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Hope
Posted: 11 May 2004
Word Count: 37
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Tell me a tale of wonderment,
of liquid gold lakes
and life-giving sunshine.
Make the promise breathe.
Its form given wings
by the hope of a dream,
there is no magic or majesty
beyond its full grasp.
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Comments by other Members
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 miffle at 10:00 on 12 May 2004
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Bobo, I like the simplicity of this - 'tale' 'sunshine' 'promise' 'hope' 'dream': all seem words that could relate to a Fairytale. A kind of 'Tell Me An Adult Fairytale!' - if there ever could be such a thing!! Like especially the last 3 lines. Miffle :-)
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Anj at 12:03 on 12 May 2004
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Bobo,
I loved this - the first three lines are exquisite. Oddly enough, it's the last 2 lines that don't work as well for me, seem less vivid, a slightly missed opportunity?
But those first 4 lines, just wonderful.
Take care
Andrea
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miffle at 12:44 on 12 May 2004
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Bobo, wondering how it might work if you lost the last 2 lines? 'Breathe' is a very strong word and if it were the last word I could really hear its strength which embodies promise, perhaps ? Miffle
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Anj at 14:09 on 12 May 2004
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Can I just second what Miffle suggests? Ending at "breathe" would be so powerful.
Andrea
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Bobo at 17:15 on 12 May 2004
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Thanks guys for your feedback. I've made some amendments, but not exactly what you had in mind methinks. See what you think.
Cheers, BoBo x
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miffle at 16:27 on 14 May 2004
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Bobo, I think ending the last line of the first verse on 'breathe' is great - it becomes the physical inhale/ exhale it describes. I do think the first verse is stronger than the second - perhaps it's to do with lots of 'abstracts' in the second... (?). Just my thoughts though! regards, Miffle :-)
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