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by Bee 

Posted: 11 May 2004
Word Count: 71

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The night was slurred, the footsteps round
I remember giggling,
Flirtatious the sound

The single mattress, the bare legs,
The coy motion, I remember
Your breath

Against my ear, so warm, so warm
I remember the alcohol the careless

The tangled shirt, the up and down leg
The hands that were uncertain, I remember
Your stare

I remember you, the lips the tongue
The heavy breathing
Your sound your sound

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Comments by other Members

miffle at 10:14 on 12 May 2004  Report this post
Bee, an intimate feel to this poem in rhythm and sound. Interesting choice of title ? Sex no complications? Although the speaker seems for sure emotionally wrapped-up in the other person.

re. rhythm in the poem, I wondered:

'Flirtatious sound' - could you lose 'the' ?

'the bare legs' - wasn't sure 'bare' worked, would 3 beats/ four quick beats work better here?

'coy' - wondering how two beats would work here?

also wondered whether you could make use of dashes '-' anywhere i.e perhaps in between 'alcohol' and 'the careless' ? Just seems perhaps to be an intake of breath there... Also between 'uncertain' and 'I remember' it seems to me that perhaps you a longer pause than a comma might work better ?

I do think that the feel / rhythm of this poem is what really draws the reader in and I think that the repetitions work well. Just one last thought (!) perhaps revisit some of the little words 'the' 'your' i.e. 'you, the lips, the tongue' or 'your'? Think you could turn this poem around in meaning in many different ways simply by carefully choosing 'your' 'my' 'the' 'our' ? Perhaps you have already experimented with this ?!

Enjoyed it. Write on, Miffle :-)


also perhaps 'his' 'her' etc...

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