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by jocat29 

Posted: 10 May 2004
Word Count: 119
Summary: Not sure whether to call this poetry or flash fiction. A little amending can turn it into one or the other.

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Bitch! My mother is a right bitch.
I can't believe I've been saddled with such a whore for a mother.
Always shagging around with no idea who my father is.
She' at it right now, it makes me sick
She never learns

She was out shoplifting again yesterday in Victoria Wine.
I overheard her bragging to her mate on the phone about the bottle of Gin she nicked.
I gave her a right kicking for it
But she never learns

There she goes again - A long, hard draw of the cigarette.
I punch her, hard but she never learns

In a few months time I'll be out of here.

And I'm going to be a right little bastard.

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Comments by other Members

roovacrag at 21:03 on 10 May 2004  Report this post
Hi jo,
Welcome to WW.

Well i was not expecting this.
First crack at poetry and you got my attention.
Good start to grab someone to read and comment.

I liked it.
Powerful,full of emotion and blunt.
Liked the second stanza, also the last line.
Very well written,without wasting words.

Well done.
xx Alice

miffle at 22:45 on 10 May 2004  Report this post
Hello there, liked the hard-kicking voice in this - a real fighter...

Liked the surprise 'kick' of the last line! Made me go back and read the poem again i.e. enjoyed the way that phrases then took on new meanings - almost like reading a brand new poem, clever! Like
Phrases like '...it makes me sick' and 'bottle of Gin' (with its hint of the mother's irresponsibility in pregnancy' and 'i gave her a right kicking'

Like the irony in the last line i.e he's slagging her off for being a 'bitch'' and what's he going to be - well, it seems he's going to take after his mother! So, yes, I read that last line now in more than one way... Is it just his anger ? Is it just his revenge? Maybe... or could it be too a slight revelling in the realisation of who he's going to be given this Mum! i.e. is he going to embrace his fate? And this raises the question for me... What makes us who we are?

One thought... wondered if you could give the poem an even stronger sense of dialect ? I.e. felt you were adopting a dialect here and that in places perhaps the odd word betrayed your own voice (?) i.e. 'saddled'? Yes, I am assuming things here - let me know ;-)

Welcome to Write Words. Write on, Miffle ;-)

miffle at 22:47 on 10 May 2004  Report this post
Oh, and would love to see it in 'flash fiction' or 'prose poem' form too... See how it works... Perhaps the cohesiveness of the structure of prose would give it more of a sense of pent up energy / anger ? Miffle :-)

Becca at 19:24 on 11 May 2004  Report this post
Hi Jo,
Do I get it? Well I can be slow about these things but I'd say the MC was an unborn child, but no wonder the mum is drinking, smoking and stealing if she's aware she has a baby who hates her. LoL
I agree it could be turned into flash, I go with what was most comfortable to you.

The Walrus at 20:14 on 16 May 2004  Report this post
Wow, shooting from the hip! This piece speaks. Look forward to reading more.

The Walrus

Jumbo at 23:12 on 14 June 2004  Report this post
Hi jo (and welcome to WW).

I liked this - especially the clever twist at the end.

I look forward to reading more of your work

All the best


Mikesparks at 13:52 on 25 June 2004  Report this post
The title will get them all the time- and so will the twist excellent piece

scottwil at 06:49 on 02 November 2004  Report this post
Great Jo, I read it as a piece of flash. There's so much story, past and present packed into so few lines. Bravo.


joanie at 09:44 on 05 March 2005  Report this post
I can't believe that I didn't comment on this at the time, because I remember it and have quoted it many times. I'm glad it was on Random Read. Don't know if you're still out there, Jo, but I think this is excellent. It speaks volumes without overstating anything.


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