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by penname 

Posted: 07 May 2003
Word Count: 113
Summary: Perhaps it's more descriptive prose than poetry -- I wasn't concerned w/ structure, which was something of an afterthought. I'm looking for criticism and/or reactions. It doesn't quite qualify as a love poem either. Perhaps superficial enfatuation, but real nonetheless. Mostly it's a description of the hazy memory I had from the previous night out. Maybe I'll work on it and keep it with me, in case I find her again.

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Awakening, you are in the tall shadows of morning,
in the smell of cigarettes that still lingers in my clothing
like early morning dreams that have not yet been erased by sunlight,
and knowing this the unnamed birds repeat their songs of warning to me.

Perhaps I am foolish, or worse, as some have said,
for I listen too earnestly to admonishments
from those who learn regret with age and fear,
and my lips are still drunk with the softness of your skin.

But I still recall how you set the birds to flight,
with your subtle white laughter,
their silhouettes revealed against the sky,
each concealed in the anonymity of swirling, amorphous clouds.

I had forgotten, foolishly, in dreams that it was so.

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Comments by other Members

Anna Reynolds at 23:17 on 27 May 2003  Report this post
There's some lovely imagery in this- the smell of cigarettes, the subtle white laughter. The second verse/part (I think you're right to leave structural worries for now) doesn't quite sit as easily for me as the other parts- maybe it seems more laboured in its language. 'I listen too earnestly to admonishments' is the line that feels odd to me, in contrast to the rest which really feels natural and instinctive and universal. I can imagine it working as prose though, if you were to have a go at opening it out a bit and see where it takes you. I like the idea that you might find her again- why not pursue that? (In writing I mean!)

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