Flock...Imagined
Posted: 18 April 2004
Word Count: 156
Summary: From the readers group.Poem inspired by June Jordans
"October Snowpea poem".
|
Font Size
|
|
I lie in a Green-bowled valley .
Land-locked by surburbia.
I stretch out,as if for an outward embrace of an ideal.
Casting my eyes up the hill,a bike ride away,
City-scape,poses.Pause for aprovement,smilling eminence?
Not atained from me!
The effulgent effusion,of the sunset,colours.
Mellow, memories, for me to reflect.
People Pass,assume inheritance.
Glancing at shops sensations.
Grooming life for tommorow`s definition`s.
Me on lunch,reading away,builder`s overall atire.
Sometimes moved on by men in suits.
The outer seats ,do tolerate us.
That day by the lower ground escalator,reading away.
I looked up to domed glass skylight .
Then suddenly a flock of imagined birds desended,like warm snow and filled me with wonder.
Then a real, Latin/Indian Woman ,Came and smiled at me.
For no good reason.
Will we ever meet again?
From afar we stay.
The day stars the wonderwall dividers?
will we oversee and overcome?
I feel your petulant thighs,our souls,ravenous
for each others care, forever.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 miffle at 13:56 on 18 April 2004
 Report this post
|
Lawrenco - I enjoyed this - especially:
That day by the lower ground escalator reading away.
A flock of imagined birds, like warm snow, filled me with wonder |
|
I like all the contrasts too - 'suburbia' 'green bowled valley' 'city scape' 'sunset' 'shops' 'builders overall attire' 'escalator' 'birds' 'warm snow' 'Indian woman' - it's a colourful colourful piece indeed!
'Sometimes moved on by men in suits' - made me laugh ;-) ! Ah! And you're 'on lunch' again !! (i.e. re. watching those pesky squirrels in Squirrel poem...)
Yes, it does echo June Jordan's poem quite closely - i.e. in your cityscapes, sunset, the one Indian woman (subject matter) ... and in form... And actually I'm wondering how it felt to write in her way for you (?) because it seems to me that your own voice / way of expressing yourself is trying to push through here (?)...
Also, felt that if this were to stay close to June Jordan's 'Snowpeas' then wondered if it would work better without the last stanza/ alternative last stanza? i.e. this then leaves the poem more mysterious (?)
Do like the way that you have transposed the landscape to Britain - yes, this has a very British feel...
Just a few thoughts... As I've pointed out before I do admire you all having a go at something new... Write on, Miffle ;-)
<Added>
NB That quote - almost enough for me actually ;-) 'flock of imagined birds' 'warm snow' leant it a bit of a Haiku feel for me...
| |
 Nell at 16:39 on 18 April 2004
Report this post
|
Hi Patrick,
It's fascinating to see how we each create our own Jordan-inspired poem - the individual voice always asserts itself and comes through. This is beautifully mysterious and evoked half-tangible images in the same way as the poem that inspired it. Loved the flock of imaginary birds - such a heavenly idea - and wondered if it was the woman who smiled at him who he's speaking of in the last stanza, or whether it was somebody else. I thought too that it was good not to know but to wonder.
Thanks for posting this, I'm so enjoying reading all the work our studies are inspiring.
Nell.
| |
Lawrenco at 21:27 on 18 April 2004
Report this post
|
Miffle: I am really happy that you liked it.Yes lunch time again!(I havent forgotten those squirrels!)
The scene is set in canary wharf when I was working as a Plumber on the HSBC tower.
The green-bowl area is Epping forest ,Lippets Hill .
Alternative stanza, now your just getting complecated!!!
Interesting about my own voice comming throgh .What with all the comentary and dedication from Smith and Nell,primarily on the semminar,you felt that June was a long lost Sister!-Also I am daberling yes.
Nell, I was at the time reading a "Carlos Cantanera" novel called, "The Road To Axion".
These imagined visions filled my head and the mysterious woman did appear!Which of course was wonderful.I only had to transcribe it;so came about the imagined flock of Birds..etc..
It was great to be able to mix JJ Poem with my own experiance, but not necessarily the same.
Thanks for Positive comments.Patrick.
| |
The Walrus at 20:29 on 19 April 2004
Report this post
|
Patrick,
This is a stunning piece. I find your work very dense, but once I manage to get my head round your references, I find it a very rewarding experience.
'petulant thighs', 'ravenous souls' - could pick many more lines but then I would be quoting your poem back to you.
Write more, I beg you.
The Walrus
| |
Lawrenco at 22:45 on 19 April 2004
Report this post
|
Thanks Walrus, If my poetry ,has a simmilar affect on you as yours has on me.It will be on that plimsoll line, I will sail my ship of thought.
| |
Fearless at 07:36 on 20 April 2004
Report this post
|
Little Bro,
I can only echo somewhat pathetically what Miffle, Nell & The Walrus have already said eloquently. It has a song-like vibe to it, but the imagery painted is of a cityscape panorama, with paradise hidden away quietly, awaiting the narrator's timely discovery. Voices such as these are unique and strong, so write on,
fearless
| |
gard at 01:40 on 21 April 2004
Report this post
|
Well, I love the last part/stanzas!
from the "real latin/Indian women until the end
it suddenly bursts into life
as if you were in a dream then you wake into a sudden reality ( often the case I think when someone striking takes you attention suddenly).
yes echoes of JJ but your definately your own and in an english setting makes it so familier to me
G
| |
roovacrag at 15:40 on 21 April 2004
Report this post
|
One great piece.
Think everyone said it all.
Well written as always.
I felt you was talking about the bole hills where i live and look across at the moorland in front.
I never tire of looking and i never will.
xx Alice
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
