Bryan, my boss, is such a slug.

He walks into the office this morning and as usual, casually slips off his jacket revealing his damp armpit patches to the secretarial pool and begins doing pull ups on the door frame. On his third he loses his finger grip and falls trying not to look embarrassed. He hasn’t noticed but his bottom shirt button has come undone, exposing his fat hairy belly, now swinging over his belt. The secretaries are glancing at each other grinning

Feeling slightly nauseous, I wander off into the kitchen, unable to spend another moment listening to his crappy sexist jokes.

A cup of tea later I go back to my photocopying to find him still there entertaining the girls. Oh my god. He’s doing push-ups.

“Jean…I need that file by yesterday” He winks cheekily at me and gently pats my bottom as he saunters arrogantly past.

“Oh fuck off” I mutter under my breath stifling a give-away shiver. “One of these days” I think to myself. I stare forward at the signs above the photocopier, reminding me that ‘you don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps!’

Bryan brought in a new one recently and howled hysterically as he placed it proudly on his door. ‘The beatings will continue until morale improves’. How I laughed.

“Fetch us a nice cup of coffee would you Jean, there’s a good girl” He says, walking into his office, not even looking at me.

“How about I shove a broom up my arse as well” I whisper, while obediently flicking the kettle on. I take his cup out of the cupboard and quickly spit in it before anyone sees, then mash in some sugar and instant coffee.

“Here you are Bryan, and a nice little biscuit as well” I force a smile on my face and turn on my heels back to my desk.

Bryan doesn’t know this but I have access to his emails. A few months ago, I was sitting at his desk typing an important letter. My computer was down so I was using his. In between typing I was nosily flicking through his inbox. I didn’t have much time so I went into the permissions screen and added myself in. He’s such a moron he wouldn’t have a clue. “I cant get me head round this t’internet stuff” he often joked to the pool. “Give me a pen and paper any day”

Melanie, the office gob-shite walks in half an hour late as usual and pokes her head around Bryan’s door. I strain to hear, but she’s whispering and giggling girlishly. I’ve watched him when Melanie flirts with him, his face goes all ruddy and sweaty and he strokes his belly nervously.

“Woah look at the babylons on her” I overheard him say to Sean in Sales on her first day

So, I sit at my desk and set about my work as usual. I’m a bit behind at the moment, because to be truthful, I've not done a lot lately. I find myself obsessively trawling through his emails, carefully not reading the new ones until he has in case he notices.

He’s been getting a lot of friendly emails from Barbara, the paper supplier of late. They’ve been secretly meeting up in the Royal Oak at the other side of town. It’s only been going on a couple of weeks. Prior to that it was just flirting. Apparently she and her husband are having difficulties at the moment. Barb’s husband works a night shift so she doesn’t see him often. She’s been feeling neglected and Bryan is happy to give her all the attention she needs the poor thing. She’s been coming in here a few months as a sales rep and they often sit in his office with the door closed. She’s not very attractive, a bit overweight with large googly eyes.

Even if I didn’t have access to his emails, I’d have been suspicious of him. He comes back in the afternoon smelling of booze, looking full of himself, behaving like Gods gift to women.

He walks up behind me and I quickly ALT + Tab through to a different screen. My heart pounding like mad and my hands shaking I decide to nip to the loo to prevent him seeing me like this.

Five minutes later I go and sit back down at my desk.

Another email has come in from Barbara, so I read it in the preview pane. She wants to meet up with him at lunchtime for a quick drink. It sounds quite serious and not the usual flirty tone. She tells him that they need to talk.

“Maybe she’s realised what a creep he is and she’s going to dump him” I think to myself. Serve the bastard right I say.


At lunchtime he leaves the office saying he’ll be back later in the afternoon as he has an important meeting to attend. I wander round to Cheesies sandwich bar and get myself a nice salad to eat at my desk. I’ve been on a diet recently so I browse the internet to find the carbohydrate content of everything I’m eating to make sure I don’t cross my daily limit.

I spend the next couple of hours raking my way through his emails looking for something incriminating and re-reading all his emails to and from Barbara. I can’t be bothered to do any work and the motivational signs just aren’t doing it for me.

At 3pm he comes back into the office in a bit of a foul mood.

“Bryan, I’ve typed this letter…”

“Not now, Jean” He scolds

I follow him into his office and close the door behind me

“Bryan, I….”

“Jean, for heaven's sake go and sit down, can’t you see I’m busy” He growls, raising his voice a little

“But it’s my resignation letter Bryan” The redness drains from his face and he sits down and rolls his eyes impatiently

“Jean, I really don’t need this, we’ve talked about this before…”

I sit myself down in front of him looking at the pathetic fat lump with disgust.

“Oh and Bryan” I say “I’d also like a divorce”