Login   Sign Up 


A Day In The Life

by jocat29 

Posted: 13 April 2004
Word Count: 1036
Summary: A not so typical day at the office

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.

Bryan, my boss, is such a slug.

He walks into the office this morning and as usual, casually slips off his jacket revealing his damp armpit patches to the secretarial pool and begins doing pull ups on the door frame. On his third he loses his finger grip and falls trying not to look embarrassed. He hasn’t noticed but his bottom shirt button has come undone, exposing his fat hairy belly, now swinging over his belt. The secretaries are glancing at each other grinning

Feeling slightly nauseous, I wander off into the kitchen, unable to spend another moment listening to his crappy sexist jokes.

A cup of tea later I go back to my photocopying to find him still there entertaining the girls. Oh my god. He’s doing push-ups.

“Jean…I need that file by yesterday” He winks cheekily at me and gently pats my bottom as he saunters arrogantly past.

“Oh fuck off” I mutter under my breath stifling a give-away shiver. “One of these days” I think to myself. I stare forward at the signs above the photocopier, reminding me that ‘you don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps!’

Bryan brought in a new one recently and howled hysterically as he placed it proudly on his door. ‘The beatings will continue until morale improves’. How I laughed.

“Fetch us a nice cup of coffee would you Jean, there’s a good girl” He says, walking into his office, not even looking at me.

“How about I shove a broom up my arse as well” I whisper, while obediently flicking the kettle on. I take his cup out of the cupboard and quickly spit in it before anyone sees, then mash in some sugar and instant coffee.

“Here you are Bryan, and a nice little biscuit as well” I force a smile on my face and turn on my heels back to my desk.

Bryan doesn’t know this but I have access to his emails. A few months ago, I was sitting at his desk typing an important letter. My computer was down so I was using his. In between typing I was nosily flicking through his inbox. I didn’t have much time so I went into the permissions screen and added myself in. He’s such a moron he wouldn’t have a clue. “I cant get me head round this t’internet stuff” he often joked to the pool. “Give me a pen and paper any day”

Melanie, the office gob-shite walks in half an hour late as usual and pokes her head around Bryan’s door. I strain to hear, but she’s whispering and giggling girlishly. I’ve watched him when Melanie flirts with him, his face goes all ruddy and sweaty and he strokes his belly nervously.

“Woah look at the babylons on her” I overheard him say to Sean in Sales on her first day

So, I sit at my desk and set about my work as usual. I’m a bit behind at the moment, because to be truthful, I've not done a lot lately. I find myself obsessively trawling through his emails, carefully not reading the new ones until he has in case he notices.

He’s been getting a lot of friendly emails from Barbara, the paper supplier of late. They’ve been secretly meeting up in the Royal Oak at the other side of town. It’s only been going on a couple of weeks. Prior to that it was just flirting. Apparently she and her husband are having difficulties at the moment. Barb’s husband works a night shift so she doesn’t see him often. She’s been feeling neglected and Bryan is happy to give her all the attention she needs the poor thing. She’s been coming in here a few months as a sales rep and they often sit in his office with the door closed. She’s not very attractive, a bit overweight with large googly eyes.

Even if I didn’t have access to his emails, I’d have been suspicious of him. He comes back in the afternoon smelling of booze, looking full of himself, behaving like Gods gift to women.

He walks up behind me and I quickly ALT + Tab through to a different screen. My heart pounding like mad and my hands shaking I decide to nip to the loo to prevent him seeing me like this.

Five minutes later I go and sit back down at my desk.

Another email has come in from Barbara, so I read it in the preview pane. She wants to meet up with him at lunchtime for a quick drink. It sounds quite serious and not the usual flirty tone. She tells him that they need to talk.

“Maybe she’s realised what a creep he is and she’s going to dump him” I think to myself. Serve the bastard right I say.

At lunchtime he leaves the office saying he’ll be back later in the afternoon as he has an important meeting to attend. I wander round to Cheesies sandwich bar and get myself a nice salad to eat at my desk. I’ve been on a diet recently so I browse the internet to find the carbohydrate content of everything I’m eating to make sure I don’t cross my daily limit.

I spend the next couple of hours raking my way through his emails looking for something incriminating and re-reading all his emails to and from Barbara. I can’t be bothered to do any work and the motivational signs just aren’t doing it for me.

At 3pm he comes back into the office in a bit of a foul mood.

“Bryan, I’ve typed this letter…”

“Not now, Jean” He scolds

I follow him into his office and close the door behind me

“Bryan, I….”

“Jean, for heaven's sake go and sit down, can’t you see I’m busy” He growls, raising his voice a little

“But it’s my resignation letter Bryan” The redness drains from his face and he sits down and rolls his eyes impatiently

“Jean, I really don’t need this, we’ve talked about this before…”

I sit myself down in front of him looking at the pathetic fat lump with disgust.

“Oh and Bryan” I say “I’d also like a divorce”

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

scottwil at 15:28 on 13 April 2004  Report this post
Good for you Jo, you've come back stong here. I understand your characters, and they are believable. The voice (you) is strong. I love the circularity of the piece. So what's next with these fine characters?

Sean could be one of the literary greats, but only if you call him Sion.

roger at 15:36 on 13 April 2004  Report this post
Hi, JoG, I like this. It's funny and the twist at the end is nice...I for one hadn't anticipated it! Good stuff.

Anj at 16:17 on 13 April 2004  Report this post

The minute I started reading this I knew I had to continue until the end. Such easy-reading (which I mean as a huge compliment), great characters. Absolutely fantastic ending, such a brilliantly well-judged final sentence. (Heavens, how much more hyperbole can I fit in? But it stands.)

My only criticism would be that some of the language could do with being a little tighter, perhaps some of it's a tiny bit flabby and occasionally - well confusing is the wrong word, but there are sentences that could be shorter, do with more clarity, to pack more punch. (eg "I’ve been on a diet recently so I browse the internet to find the carbohydrate content of everything I’m eating to make sure I don’t cross my daily limit." would be tighter as "I've been watching my carbs recently, so I check an internet carb-counter before eating it." I only offer an example because I'm not always clear quite what people's comments to me mean, so I'm trying to be clear.)

But that wasn't enough to stop me thoroughly enjoying this.

I want it to be a novel. I demand it be a novel.

take care


Of course, I've rewritten that example sentence in my own style, which is different to yours. It's just meant to illustrate my point.

Account Closed at 19:45 on 13 April 2004  Report this post
Hi Jocat,
Nice twist - I didn't see that coming either and then I thought "She can't be, she hates him so much..." I must admit that Bryan reminded me of David Brent at the beginning with his humour that's only funny to him, and sexist behaviour but the twist puts everything into a new perspective.

A modern tragedy.




ShayBoston at 06:38 on 14 April 2004  Report this post
Nice story with a neat twist. Could definitely develop in to something bigger. I was also thinking of The Office and David Brent. It may be better in the long run to change one or two characteristics and settings to avoid too close a link. Be nice to have as big a hit though, wouldn't it?

Good luck, Shay

Watson at 12:23 on 16 April 2004  Report this post
Hi Jocat,
This was very easy to read and get into. I like a good twist in the tale, and this certainly delivered. The character of Bryan really came alive and I loathed him by the end. I agree with Ani that it needs a bit of tweaking here and there but other than that a fine piece.
Well done,

Account Closed at 13:34 on 21 April 2004  Report this post
Hi Jo, good to read you at last.

I totally enjoyed the story. The flow of it was well paced out, and easily identified with. The boss in the story really reminds me of my old boss, the horrible slob.

The twist at the end was brilliantly realised and I didn't see it coming. It was very amusing, and gave the whole tale an ascerbic sting.

Only grammatical point I stumbled across was 'Gods gift to women' should, of course, be 'God's gift...'

Well done.

James x

Ralph at 10:33 on 23 April 2004  Report this post
Hi Jo,

This is magnificent. Three cheers for Jean... :D

You've created a whole world here that's both plausible and incredible, dark but surprisingly funny. That twist of humour really lets this take off - and the ending is superb. Kind of made me feel like I'd been colluding with Bryan... taking Jean's presence a little too much for granted. Excellent way of turning the whole thing over...

Looking forward to reading more from you

All the best



eyeball at 11:15 on 24 April 2004  Report this post
Hi Jocat
I can SEE him, sitting there stroking his belly. To me he looks like the guy in the John Smith's beer ad who does the 'running bomb' in the diving competition. Great character.

Jubbly at 11:27 on 24 April 2004  Report this post
Hi Jocat,

I really enjoyed reading this, Jean's venom filtered through the words right to the end. Their real relationship crossed my mind when she referred to being on a diet and Barbara being fat. But that's just me, I'm really annoying like that and always guess the ending of mysterys so much so that I'm banned from any discussion of films and books that are being watched and read in the home and have to write my guesses down in a sealed envelope. Great stuff, look forward to reading more.


Silverelli at 23:20 on 10 May 2004  Report this post
Awesome, Jocat.

I, as well, did not see it coming.
Hilarious. Are they're really bosses that do pull-ups and push-ups when they come into to work to impress the female staff? You have to exagerating a bit, right? If not, if so-either way, its still hilarious.


Bianca at 12:47 on 28 June 2004  Report this post

Just joined this group and thought I had better read some work that some of you have posted.

I enjoyed this and did not have any inkling of what was to come. What a nauseous character Bryan is - takes me back to my secretarial days. I'm sure there are many like him out there but you have brought him to life more by his domination of most of the piece.


eyeball at 13:37 on 29 June 2004  Report this post
Hi Shirley
Welcome to the group. I thought I'd come and say hallo as I'm not sure how often Jocat comes by at the moment. Why don't you stick a post on the group forum and tell us about yourself? I just went to read your Formula 1 piece and thought it was beautifully imagined. How come you know all that!?

Corybantes at 16:38 on 04 August 2004  Report this post
Hi Jocat,

I enjoyed every minute of this piece. Brilliant.


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .


Other work by jocat29:      ...view all work by jocat29