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Best Action Movie Ever

by bjlangley 

Posted: 30 March 2004
Word Count: 1211
Summary: At the weekend I was lucky enough to see the movie masterpiece that is ‘xXx’. As I am sure that all of you know (well, those of you that have seen it) this movie is the Best Action Movie Ever™. That movie, that very, very special movie, has inspired me. It has inspired to me write my own adventures featuring the World’s Best Action Hero™ Xander Cage.

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Xander Cage is driving along a cliff-side road, in his shiny sports car. It is the best car in the world. His stereo is turned up To The Max and he is listening to Nu-Metal. As he goes around a corner an ethnic minority (a clear sign of evil) pops out of a bush wielding a big massive machine gun. He sprays bullets at Xander’s car. Whilst dodging the bullets Xander loses control of the car, and it swerves off of the cliff, and begins to plummet into the deep ravine.

But of course Xander is prepared for this – in fact he was hoping for it – he is already prepared to jump from the car, because in the back seat is his fold-away hand-glider. Xander rides the air, and picks up a current, taking him back to the level of the evil gunman. He flies towards him, and the gunman dodges to the side. But just when you think that Xander Cage has missed his chance, no, his legs are as dangerous a weapon as anything else, and he grabs the gunman between his powerful thighs. In one swift movement he twists to snap the bad man’s neck, and lands the hand-glider. Realising that he is now stuck without a vehicle, and his phone is in the wreck of a car below, he moves the dead body towards the edge of the cliff, pushes it off, then rides it down to the bottom.

Once they reach the bottom, Xander looks in the clothes of the body of the nasty man. He finds a card inside that reveals him to be a Terrorist. Xander goes into the flaming wreck of his car and pulls out his phone. There is blackness on the screen which he wipes away before calling up Agent Augustus Gibbons to send someone to pick him up.

(If this was a movie rather than just my great ‘xXx’ story that is so good it should be the next ‘xXx’ movie, this is where I would have the credits. They would be a bit like James Bond credits, but with better Nu-Metal music, and more shots of Xander Cage.)

Now Xander is in an office talking to Gibbons. They mention a previous case which Xander solved and saved the world and did it in a cool way. Even though he is a respected agent now, he still has Attitude. Agent Gibbons tells Xander that Terrorists are bad, and they want to do bad things. This makes Xander angry, and he punches the desk. Because he is so strong, some of the objects on the desk fly up in the air. Xander storms off in an angry mood because Gibbons wants to send someone else to investigate the Terrorists, but because they shot at Xander this time it is personal so he goes it alone to get the Terrorists without Gibbons permission.

Xander is on a speedboat, heading towards Terrorist Isle. This is where he thinks the Terrorists are. He is driving the speedboat himself, and the water is splashing all around. Some droplets remain on his furrowed brow. He is concentrating hard. He looks into the water and sees some mines. It is too late to steer the speedboat clear because he is running it so fast, so he jumps forwards to the front of the boat, pulling it underwater, and beneath the mine. When it returns to surface he sees more mines, which he does have time to steer around, and whilst doing this he is shooting at ones even further away to clear his path.

He arrives at the island and approaches the nearest abandoned warehouse. Rather than sneaking in – that’s not his style – he just walks straight in and punches a man in the face. There are a number of men sitting in a circle talking in a foreign language, another clear sign of evil. Xander jumps at them, through a number of large boxes which get knocked out of the way. The men run in all different directions, but Xander manages to beat them all up except for one. This one has a gun and points it at Xander. He puts his hands up to surrender, but manages to kick a bit of wood at the bad man that knocks the gun from his hand. The bad man runs away, and Xander cannot see him. Whilst looking he finds a pretty lady who is not an ethnic minority. He has lots of sex with her and she likes it.

Xander goes back to the office and asks for more weapons from a man who he calls a geek, because he’s not cool like Xander. He looks at some big guns, but because he is so cool, he just takes an ordinary baseball bat, and a special pen.

Now Xander is on a plane. He looks cool when he is one the plane as the door is open and his clothes are blowing around. If he had hair it would blow too, but he is too cool to have hair and looks cool anyway.

He jumps out of the plane and some way down he pulls on his parachute. But the one bad nasty Terrorist who got away earlier is waiting for him in a helicopter. Missiles are coming at Xander, but he uses the baseball bat to swat them away. He dodges the last one and lands on top of the helicopter. He is able to stand in the middle and avoid the blades. He hangs on one of them and drops into the helicopter. The Terrorist jumps out, and locks the door behind him. Xander is trapped in the helicopter, and it is going to crash!

Xander gets out his special pen, and it is actually a laser! He cuts a shape out of the bottom of the helicopter, and falls out of it. The shape he cut out is a surfboard, and he lands on a really big wave and rides it loads, really good. He looks around for the Terrorist, and he sees him inside a big metal shark. The shark tries to bite Xander with it’s big metal teeth, but he surfs so good he gets away, then turns around to jump on the shark. The shark takes him far under the water, but Xander rams his baseball bat through one of the fins at the back. Now the Terrorist can’t steer the shark, and it goes right into a big underwater rock and blows up with a massive explosion in the water. This blows Xander right out of the water and into the air. It looks like he’s going to crash into a rock sticking out of the water, but using his laser pen again in the nick of time he blows the top to pieces, and they break his fall. He waits on the rock until Gibbons comes to pick him up and tell him how cool he is.

Because he done his mission so coolly and has stopped all Terrorists he is allowed to go on a holiday to a nice warm place, but he won’t relax, oh no, he’ll do lots of dangerous extreme sport activities, because that’s how cool he is!!!1


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Comments by other Members

Account Closed at 08:13 on 31 March 2004  Report this post
Hilarious. I laughed out loud at the sex bit.

This didn't work for me though: " He cuts a shape out of the bottom of the helicopter, and falls out of the bottom"
Fell out of "it", would probably look better, rather than repeating the word "bottom".

bjlangley at 08:38 on 31 March 2004  Report this post
Thanks IB, I've changed that now.

All the best,


Grinder at 10:16 on 31 March 2004  Report this post
“He has lots of sex with her and she likes it.”

I nearly wet myself when I read this line, its so good it should be more widely used in literature.

Very amusing.


Davy Skyflyer at 10:33 on 31 March 2004  Report this post
Frickin' brilliant. I can see the Xander Cage franchise really taking off. Surfing down the mountain on the body was good, but you beat that even with the stunning speedboat manouver. That would indeed be classic cinema. What about the title? A bond-esque "Only Diamonds never die" type thing or something more Hollywood, like "Triple Action Velocity Strike". Perhaps...

Anyway, well funny. I look forward to seeing the screenplay though. Could be a seriously good spoof.


Dr X

Account Closed at 12:31 on 31 March 2004  Report this post
Definately one that appeals to the boys... oh sorry MEN out there! Very funny, Ben.

So, the screenplay next?


ps Maybe you could change the powerful thighs to ankles - less conventional...

bjlangley at 19:25 on 01 April 2004  Report this post
Thanks for the comments, but could I turn this into a screenplay?

I think it would turn my brain to mush trying to create dialogue to fit around these characters as 'great' as the action scenes!

Account Closed at 19:31 on 01 April 2004  Report this post
Yes, but it would be an action film, so minimum dialogue, just the odd grunt now and again.

Noodles at 14:52 on 04 April 2004  Report this post
E-e-excellent...but maybe some nakedness, a curmudgeonly irascible Hopkins-type boss, or even Connery - a great in-joke, dy'see? (Maybe you could even put some of that stuff in your piece, too). And 'he has lots of sex with her and she likes it'? No, a tectonic plate shifts while calendar pages flip up into the air, the sun goes down, the sun comes up, a Richter scale goes into the red, funny looking British ex-comedy actors dressed as scientists do hammy double-takes...

Nah, great stuff,bj(cool j).

Best, Pete

tinyclanger at 16:14 on 04 April 2004  Report this post
bj, such a clever piece, and consistently very, very funny. The sex line is a classic, as others have identified, but I especially liked:
Now Xander is on a plane. He looks cool when he is one the plane as the door is open and his clothes are blowing around. If he had hair it would blow too, but he is too cool to have hair and looks cool anyway

Got me wondering if you're as cool as Xander?


bjlangley at 12:08 on 06 April 2004  Report this post
Sorry, tc, I'm not as cool as Xander. He's the coolimost cool hero of all time.

mothball at 11:05 on 15 April 2004  Report this post
Veeery funny!

I think the line about his legs being a dangerous weapon is great. It sure does seem this way in many action movies - the hero's body never bruises sufficiently to slow him down.

Not that it matters to the humourous aspects of the story, but I think Vin Diesel is mixed race, although he never comments on it because he doesn't want to be typecast. (Sounds like something you could easily incorporate into your great spoof!)

The few pieces I have read by you have this really cheeky/ ironic tone to them, which I really like, and I think that this piece is very visual. I'd be interested to know if you've had work published or have had luck with teleplays/ screenplays.

I don't think pieces like this one are for guys only. I found it pretty hilarious and I'm not a guy. I think lots of spoofs have a popular appeal that stretches across social divisions providing that your audience understands/ connects with what you're spoofing. Lots of women like action films and therefore might appreciate this.

Oh yeah, you must do something with Billy Ocean Finance too - it is terrific!

Best of luck.

bjlangley at 10:04 on 19 April 2004  Report this post
Thanks mothball, I'm glad that you like my work.

As for whether I've had any success, I have recently had a sketch accepted into "Shoot The Writers" a new show on ITV.

I did send them Billy Ocean Finance too, but they didn't like that one!

All the best,


TeeFoley at 14:17 on 25 November 2004  Report this post
Ha-Ha. It is sick & dry. I love it!!!

Well done

Tee Foley x


But the one bad nasty Terrorist who got away earlier is waiting for him in a helicopter.

ha-ha... wicked !!!!

PhilR at 13:59 on 18 January 2005  Report this post

Checking out your work for the first time.

Funny, very funny. Keep it up.


Iain MacLeod at 19:32 on 13 May 2006  Report this post
Came across this on the random read, and it cracked me up. Consistently funny, and very well realised. I like how it can be interpreted in two ways - either in a very matter-of-fact, monotone way in which it's written, or in the hyperventilating style of a 15 year old.

Terrific stuff - it roXXXor1111! (as the kids say, apparently)

all the best,


healy77 at 10:37 on 26 July 2008  Report this post
Hi Ben random read your writing, had me in stitches mate! Keep it up,hilarious!


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