|
|
 |
Haiku 2-3-2
Posted: 28 March 2004
Word Count: 54
Summary: Following the recent postings re. Haiku, I am experimenting with 2-3-2!
|
Font Size
|
|
dawn's light -
let me sleep
longer...............
Bird's eye
sees insects.
Boat Race
Trumpet
daffodils.
Sing out!
Early
morning dew -
new day.
These two aren't exactly Haiku, as they don't really capture a moment in nature, but, anyway...............
I love -
The whole world
knows it.
Forget me,
lest you love
me not.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 joanie at 17:53 on 28 March 2004
 Report this post
|
Oops! just realised that the last one is 3-3-2! Never mind, eh?
joanie
| |
 Nell at 18:10 on 28 March 2004
Report this post
|
Joanie, I think they work really well - there are clever touches - the long line of dots in the first one; the vivid way of seeing in the second, the insect like a tiny boat with its legs as oars; the trumpet singing out; the echo of dew and new, all tiny precious things. The last two feel almost like sayings - I love and the whole world knows it reminds me of laugh and the world laughs with you...
Nell.
| |
|
|
 swandale at 11:19 on 29 March 2004
Report this post
|
These are great, Joanie. I especially like the first one - I know that feeling so well!
They have a very different feel to the 5-7-5 haiku, don't they? Much more impact, somehow. The daffodils especially, it's a very bright seven syllables! I wonder if this is closer to how haiku 'feel' in Japanese?
Sam x
| |
igbit33 at 17:26 on 29 March 2004
Report this post
|
And oh, how I can relate to the first one here and loved the '.......'. I particularly liked the trumpeting daffodils.
I also very much liked the last two - whether haiku or not. A minor, and very personal suggestion, had you tried the last one as
Forget me,
lest you love me
not.
Slightly more rhythmical to me, and of course there is the rhyme - though maybe you wanted to avoid both. As I say, just a personal thought.
Iggy. xx
| |
joanie at 18:16 on 29 March 2004
Report this post
|
Thanks Iggy. Yes, I see what you mean about the last one. I was trying to do 3-2-3, but I messed it up anyway, so why not 3-4-1?! Who are we to say?
joanie
| |
igbit33 at 18:53 on 29 March 2004
Report this post
|
Hey, if it makes a good poem it's not messed up - and these are all good!
Snoop Iggy Ig. xx
(no, I didn't mean to)
| |
|
|
joanie at 20:32 on 29 March 2004
Report this post
|
oh, dear! I meant to say that I was trying to do
2-3-2..........this is getting silly! What's in a syllable? ..or two?
joanie
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
