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A ONE-NESS
Posted: 25 March 2004
Word Count: 52
Summary: For all in love.
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Waterfall cascades to blue lagoon
two lovers washed by spray
Brown on brown,touching slightly
skin on skin touching tightly
Un-aware of the world around
too absorbed to hear a sound
Doe to Stag looking shyly
holding closer.
One-ness
They swim
They glide
They move
They slide
One-ness.
Holding tightly
happiness unfolds.
ONENESS.
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Comments by other Members
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 swandale at 19:11 on 25 March 2004
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This is beautiful, I wish I'd seen it a year ago so that it could have been a reading at my wedding (with your permission, of course!). It's perfect. It's just made me smile so much, thank you.
Sam x
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roovacrag at 20:09 on 25 March 2004
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Sam,
Would have made me proud if you had used this.
I had the grand passion in my life,so i want it for all young people.
Love comes out in poetry.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx aLICE
<Added>
Could always write on for you for your first anniversary.xx
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engldolph at 20:32 on 25 March 2004
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HI Alice :-)
First, thanks for reading Upstreaming..glad you seemed to get it! :-)
I liked the direct simplicity of A One-Ness..particularly
Brown on brown,touching slightly
skin on skin touching tightly
and Doe to Stag
For some reason, last verse did not add to it for me..not sure why..seemed to end perfectly while retaining its open feeling on the previous verse.. the kind of feeling that I didn't want to see nailed down too much (which I felt in final verse)..
But I really enjoyed the feeling
best wishes
Mike
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swandale at 20:33 on 25 March 2004
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Alice, you've nearly made me cry now! That's such a lovely thing to say. I might put this in a card on our anniversary, if that's okay with you?
Sam x
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Fearless at 08:15 on 26 March 2004
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Stan Stan the Whisky Woman;
A very touching poem, with scenes moving from the sensuous (waterfall) to the surreal (doe and stag). The final reminds me of the title of an old Al Green song, 'Love and Happiness'. Write on,
Fearless x
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Lawrenco at 14:30 on 26 March 2004
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The natural setting of the the lagoon and waterfall,as simple as love itself .The two lovers embrace as beautiful as Rubens the kiss.
Lawrenco.
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roovacrag at 20:14 on 26 March 2004
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Awwww.....I think you got it.
Rubens kiss.
Says it all.
Love is not dead.
Hope not, young should have the love we had.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Alice
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roovacrag at 20:14 on 26 March 2004
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Awwww.....I think you got it.
Rubens kiss.
Says it all.
Love is not dead.
Hope not, young should have the love we had.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Alice
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miffle at 11:34 on 28 March 2004
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Alice, I loved the contrasts you paint here...
* the lovers early tentativeness 'touching slightly' 'looking shyly'
* the lover's hungry boldness 'touching tighly' 'holding closer'
and * the energy, chemistry of their strident union -
| The swim/ They glide/ They move/ They slide |
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dynamic, athletic - I see the lovers flowing with health, grace, freedom...
First 3 verses intense to me - they build up to the crescendo of 'one-ness' in the last line of the 3rd verse. Then in 'Peels of laughter... unfolds' I feel the poem relax... They take a breath. The feel lightens.
And is, this - This waterfall living possible in the UK do you think!!? ;-) Wish that is were all year round!
Write on, Nikki x
A couple of technical thoughts:
How would it sound to you if you lifted out 'the' of 'the spray' in the second line?
How would is sound with 2 extra beats after 'Two people' (?).
<Added>
meant 'the lover's early tentativeness'
'How would it sound...?'
<Added>
'touching tightly'
'Wish that it were all year round!'
whoops - still dozy!
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roovacrag at 12:04 on 28 March 2004
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Thank you Nikki
took the out and added holding tightly.
Thank you. should have used the words swim,glide etc. I was trying to picture two people in love and abandon all thoughts.
Still remember the blue lagoon years ago. giving my age away.
xxx Alice
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olebut at 14:05 on 28 March 2004
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Alice
most of what can be said has been so I will just add my I liked this very much too, to the list.
I am inclined to agree that I think if you left the last verse out it would work better, it is almost as if the laughter etc cheapens the beuaty of what has preceeded it ( but not in a tacky way) it is I think unneccesary
take care
david x
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miffle at 14:25 on 28 March 2004
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Alice, whoops! I think there are too many beats now -
How about (?)
Peels of laughter
giggles untold
Holding tightly
happiness unfolds
(?)
i.e. we know there are two people so how about this (?)...
The Blue Lagoon - the film? I do know the film.
Write on, Nikki ;-)
<Added>
OR keep 'Two people holding tightly' and it will be a very speedy to say line! ;-)
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roovacrag at 17:55 on 28 March 2004
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Thank you Nikki.
Trust me to get it wrong.
Much appreciated.
xx Alice
<Added>
changed it yours is better. xx
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