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The Wedding
Posted: 16 March 2004
Word Count: 70
Summary: Written after the most beautiful wedding I have ever attended
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From temporary distance,
With a loving glance
He saw her, from the altar
His perfect star.
Up close and near
He held her, his loving dear
His shining buttercup, his darling thing
Reflecting happiness under his chin.
With manly sin,
He looked upon his new kin.
His radiant bride,
Glowing with pride.
Their union is a miracle
An example we must chronicle.
For it knows no suspense.
This Marriage, simply…makes…sense!
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Comments by other Members
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 miffle at 12:23 on 16 March 2004
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Libera, Loved the last 2 lines!! Exactly it! And when that happens - yes, I think we all see it and it's an inspiration. 'chronicle' loved that word here. Sense of 'gravitas' (right word?) Miffle ;-)
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olebut at 13:17 on 16 March 2004
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libra
i like the images in this but having read it a few times parts of it don't quite work for me, it is the metre not the images, that I think jars
for instance
From temporary distance,
With a loving glance
He saw her, from the altar
His perfect star
if it were my poem I would change the last line to
From a temporary distance,
With a loving glance
He saw her, from the altar
He saw his perfect star. ( or she was his perfect star)
I find it absolutely invaluable to read out loud my poems during there birth and whilst i still need subsequently to amend and polish I think by reading them in this way helps smooth out many of the hiccups in metre and line construction.
My views may of course not be share dby others or even indeed yourself but I do believe it is worth you stepping back and looking again at this poem.
whatever keep writing
take care
david
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libera at 13:30 on 16 March 2004
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thanks david for the constructive (not destructive)criticism. i actually have a fear of hearing my poems out loud, i need to get over it!
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roovacrag at 15:54 on 16 March 2004
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Good one but i agree with David.
We have both been there and never regretted it.
From a womans point of view You have found your other half of yourself.
David will say the same as he had a great love as well.
Well done.
XX ALICE
<Added>
Was this your own?
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olebut at 16:32 on 16 March 2004
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Libra
just read them out loud to your self rather than reading them in your head.
It really does make a difference, or at least I think it does, also don't be afraid to put them to one side for a few days, weeks, months. ( never throw an idea out even the seemingly stillborn ones, save them they usualy come round again.
I keep finding pieces of paper with half started poems, or scribbled ideas on them and read them and see if they are ready to work.
The words will tell you when they are ready to come out into the open never rush them it doesn't, in my experience, work.
Don't give up, when the words won't come do something else read, walk, take photographs, listen to music, but dont force the words.
to quoute miffle keep writing
take care
david
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