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Destiny Haiku
Posted: 15 March 2004
Word Count: 11
Summary: My first attempt at Haiku. Did I get it right?
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Smooth moon-silvered sea
Pathway to eternity
It calls me. I walk
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Comments by other Members
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 Skeetr at 13:45 on 15 March 2004
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Well Joanie, I'm no expert on haiku, but your poem works for me. As for what my wee little how-to-write-haiku book says (you see, I am trying to learn!), you seem to have hit all the syllabic requirements, etc.
But more importantly, it just reads well, invoking both ethereal images (eternity) and more concrete ones (pathway). And I like that there's no full-stop after "I walk" -- as if the 'walk' is to go for the 'eternity' that hangs over it in the line above. I only wonder if 'moon-silvered' would read better as 'moon-silver' without losing anything for you--? Just a thought (not trying to be picky, but with a poem constructed of few works, I guess even short suffixes like "-ed" can add or detract here and there.)
Best,
Smith
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 joanie at 14:34 on 15 March 2004
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Smith....... Thanks for your comments. I understand about the sound of moon-silver, and I agree that it sounds smoother, except that I wanted the sea to be silvered by the moon rather than just silver coloured, if you see what I mean! Perhaps I'll re-think it.
Thanks for the response.
joanie
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Skeetr at 14:40 on 15 March 2004
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Yes, I do see what you mean -- "moon-silvered" allows the moon to effect on the water actively rather than passively. Strange how the more active image is conveyed by the more passive-seeming verb, and vice versa. This English language is both inspiration and challenge!
Your decision is the right decision, of course.
Good work,
Smith
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olebut at 14:55 on 15 March 2004
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joanie
welcome
beautiful images I wish I could have got to this image in so few words but Haiku I struggle with
I do love moon silvered sea
take care
david
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roovacrag at 19:08 on 15 March 2004
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Haiku is not my thing, but the words go together, so you must have got it right.Isn't Haiku just a word or two per line?
Good lines for a poem.
well done i couldn't have done this.
Someone that is into Haiku will read it and advise better.
xx Alice
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joanie at 19:27 on 15 March 2004
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Thank you for your comments, Alice and David. I was surprised how much I enjoyed writing this - I'll try some more.
joanie
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swandale at 09:47 on 27 March 2004
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This is beautiful, it's amazing how so few words can conjure up such a strong image, and strong emotions too. Lovely.
Sam x
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