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Another Packet
Posted: 09 March 2004
Word Count: 137
Summary: i'm interested to see how people read into this..
so i'm not going to say anything,
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Goodnight sweetheart
Its not too late to change your mind.
Goodnight darling
You can come with me
If you like.
Goodbye forever
I’m going for good
You sure you don’t wana join me for the ride?
I’m
Off now now sweetheart
Swallowed every one
There’s another packet waiting
We can rid this life for fun
We can find out bout heaven
And learn how to fly
There’s another packet waiting
You can join in with my goodbye.
Gone now sweetheart
Its been a while
You never took that packet
Instead you learnt how to smile
Well I’m flying sweetheart
Drowning in goodbyes
Everyone wishes they could go back and smile.
Well now sweetheart,
I’ve been gone for a long time
Its time you joined me
Joined me.
Well its time you left them
Joined me
Joined me.
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Comments by other Members
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 miffle at 22:15 on 09 March 2004
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Gal, this reminded me of Tinyclanger's 'Happiness x 84' - a different approach to a tough theme.
I think that the 'Goodnight' phrases are very effective and also the 'Goodbye' and 'Gone'...I do think that these phrases hold the structure of the poem together, as do your repetitions.
Your repetition of 'sweetheart' made me think...It reminded me of the Glaswegian film - 'Morvern Callar'....
It's Christmas. Morvern wakes up (from a drug-induced sleep?) to find her boyfriend dead and a suicide note on the computer. It says (in part) 'I love you' 'Be brave'. Morvern lingers over 'I love you' - so does the cinematography...i.e. made me think - 'does someone really love you if they are set on leaving you this way!?
Re. things technical - did you mean 'Packet' ?
Line 8 could you lose 'you'?
Line 10 could you lose 'now'?
Line 14 'bout ?
Line 17 lose 'with' ?
Line 2, 19, 27 - It's, I think
i.e. I think losing a beat in places would strengthen the poem (?)
Re. Lines 23 and 24 - I found these the most curious of the poem. It seemed to me that there was a regret here in having passed over (?). 'come back' or 'go back' (?).
Just my thoughts, of course ;-)
Write on, miffle x
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engldolph at 18:54 on 18 March 2004
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Hi Borderbound
Really Interesting. Captures the one-sided pleading of suicide...
Technical things..from my persective..
- I would shorten some lines..drop a few words..like the You reference in vers 1/line 4
try...
Goodnight sweetheart
Not too late to change your mind.
Goodnight darling
Come with me
If you like.
or....
Gone now sweetheart
Its been a while
Never took that packet
Instead, learnt how to smile
but that's just me..I'm an editor by nature!
Mike
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BorderBound at 17:00 on 19 March 2004
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miff - yes i did mean packet - changed that now...
i appreciate all the comments on the poetry :D (as always!)
but its actually i song i wrote to music (piano - that my friend wrote)so i cant really change it or it wont work in time,
the 'you' comes on the beat so its half-silent,
also.. i wanted to emphasise they 'you' as another person, and another state of mind?
dont know, sometimes i go to far in the under-elemnts of my writing,
also, miff, - the now in last ten isnt supposed to be there :S im just not that good at spelling OR typing :)
and mike! its great that people look through my work,
its like free editing!
cheers for the comments, :)
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engldolph at 14:20 on 20 March 2004
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Hi again
About your comment about you writing this as a song lyric... my experience is that it is very difficult to make song lyrics work completely as poetry... seems to work better the other way around: poetry into songs...
I imagine it words well as a song!
just a thought
Mike
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