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catalyst of a man
Posted: 28 February 2004
Word Count: 94
Summary: Another man poem
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You charm fishes from the sea
and moonbeams from the sky.
Animals and children
see you with trusting eye.
Press your buttons
see you fly
who is the one
sees you blue?
You are the catalyst in life.
No one can explain why,
you enter into their lives
when most needed.
People feel they have known you for years,
you seem to banish all their fears.
Your destiny is controlled by the gods,
for you are the thirteenth spirit of Ra.
Fearless by nature,
you're still a man,
unstoppable
in your quest for life.
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Comments by other Members
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 miffle at 10:15 on 29 February 2004
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Alice, "Who is the one/ sees you cry?" seemed to me to be the key lines in this poem - someone seeing a different side, someone picking up the pieces others do not see - motherly image. 'Dogs I know submit to you/ to your own desire' - well I know the history to this comment...It does sound a tad comical ;-) perhaps it would work better if you changed 'submit' and 'desire' ? I.e. to suggest again a man charming the fierceness out of a beast, unusual and rare in the case of Molly...(unless of course you wanted the line to be comical!?) write on, nikki ;-) Oh, and women too have their charm do they not!?
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olebut at 18:49 on 29 February 2004
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Alice
I see much potential in this a couple of minor suggestions if I may
try taking the word can out of the first line,
make animal plural in line 3
but form here I am not sure how or if I can make any specific suggestions other than
I think that because you have changed the rhyme pattern in almost every verse it takes something from the emotion that the poem obviously has and perhaps if you try my old trick of reading the poem out loud to yourself a few times you will see what I mean.
If this is your worst poem as you claim I dont think you have much to worry about but surely the whole point of teh site is to help the writer tune and polish their work.
I am convinced the poem has an excellant base just needs that bit of polish that nearly every poem of mine always does.
take care
david x
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miffle at 12:28 on 01 March 2004
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Alice, this has polished up a treat! It really fuses together now - and the punctuation (dare I say it ;-) !? ) is perfect too. Yes, a questing dude...Ist two lines make me think of the Pied Piper - but obviously more pleasant a job charming fish and moonbeams than rats!! Write on, nikki ;-)
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igbit33 at 18:15 on 01 March 2004
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Hi Alice,
I read your poem through and was quite surprised after to see how negatively you viewed it. That given, I wonder if I may be so presumptuous as to make a few suggestions.
In the third verse I'm wondering if it might help to remove the 'the' from the first line, or change to 'a' - as the sounds run on more easily. Change 'No one' to 'none' and take out 'their'.
In the fourth, possibly - change 'they have' to 'they've' and remove 'for', in the first line.
And in the fifth, change 'you're' to 'you are' in the second.
Having said that, I worry sometimes that I rather impose my own rhythms onto other peoples work. So if I have, and in doing so, have missed the rhythm you wrote into it, I do apologise. Just ignore me.
I hope I don't cause offence making suggestions, they are only personal opinions after all.
This poem has a great feel to it and I think you do it an injustice to dislike it so. Again, only personal opinion!
It's a bastard (excuse me) when you hurry one and end up dissatisfied, isn't it?! certainly not unknown to me. But for all that you write, I guess once in a blue moon's not so bad!
Iggy. xx
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