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Untitled

by DeeAnna1980 

Posted: 24 February 2004
Word Count: 96
Summary: A poem about my frustrations, this is not suitable material for anyone that is under age.


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Chocolate,
Trickles down my spine.
Slowly
I want to make him mine

Fingers,
Dipped in ice
Tracing patterns,
Feels so nice.

Forbidden thoughts
Whispered pleasures
The games begun
Teasing feathers

Pull him close
Bound in flesh
Chained in place
Like a silky mesh

He starts to move
My head pounds
Full of him
His arms surround

Hot wax burning
Caught in his chains
Pleasure exquisite
I feel no pain

The night stretches out
I enjoy this game
This wild nature
He cannot tame

Forever
We will play
In darkness we dabble
Iíll show him the way






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Comments by other Members



bjlangley at 13:19 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
Interesting stuff DeeAnna.

I felt there was one place where the rhythm didn't quite work, in this line:

Like a silky mesh

I think dropping the 'a' would do it.

All the best,

Ben

DeeAnna1980 at 13:21 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
Thank you Ben, that really works

Will go and edit it now.

Anyone else??

<Added>

Or i would edit it if i was a full member. :)

PeterOC at 13:43 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
Hi DeeAnna,

I saw the note that says, "The author requests the following type of comments: 'Go on! I can take it!'" but I don't think you're going to get many negative comments about this.

I thought the stocatto sentences gave it an urgency and a breathlessness entirely fitting. Very evocative. I also liked the hint of commitment in the last stanza.

I'm only dabble in poetry but I thought this was a lot of fun and a well written piece.

There's loads of great poets on this site. No doubt they'll be able to give lots of advice.

All the best,

Peter

DeeAnna1980 at 13:51 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
Thank you so much Peter for the kind words.

Out of the many pieces i have, i felt this was a fun and interesting piece but wasn't too sure whether to upload it because i don't view it as one that portrays me.

But after the comments you have made it instills me with happiness and confidence that i can put up here even a piece that was written in jest.

Thank you again Peter and i hope that i will be able to talk to the various other poets that are on this site.

Donna

word`s worth at 14:03 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
Donna,

I thought this flowed really well. Very sexual (befitting the subject matter!) but not dark as some bondage and S&M subjects can be. I agree with Ben about that line - it jarred with me too but I see that you'll be editing that when you get the chance.

Look forward to seeing more of your work. Welcome to WW and hope you become you join us on a full time basis. I'm fairly new myself and I think it's great!

Nahed

DeeAnna1980 at 14:35 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
Thank you Nahed


I thought this flowed really well. Very sexual (befitting the subject matter!) but not dark as some bondage and S&M subjects can be.


I didn't want it to be dark, but i rarely have control as to how my pieces come out and i hardly have to edit them because they seem to be just there.

Thank you again for all the kind words, not just to you but everyone else that commented too.

Please keep them coming

Donna


roovacrag at 16:31 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
Beautiful,not sexual at all but very sensuous. Not sex but making love.Its the best kind there is.
Well donexxAlice
welcome to WW.Hope you join,then we can read more.
alice

igbit33 at 16:53 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
DeeAnna,

I like this. It says what it means, but quite delicately. Not too subtle, not too strong. It seems to me, a tender, affectionate piece.

I know what you mean about the way writing just comes of it's own accord sometimes, and the feeling of not having much control over it. So you're not alone there.

Welcome to WW

<Added>

igbit.
(the forgetful)

miffle at 17:37 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
DeeAnna - Ha! Requesting "Go on! I can take it!" comments - apt for this poem ! I liked the thread of desire, expectation, liberation, consummation running through the poem.

Verse 2: I thought the rhyme worked successfully, overall, but thought that it limited you here a bit - 'feels so nice' sounded a little bit lame to me (?). Perhaps if you can't change 'nice' try and perk up 'feels', perhaps even use a noun instead!? 'Oh, so nice?'

Verse 3: 'The game's begun' ? Perhaps you need an apostrophe here OR what about the present tense. I think I would go for 'the games begin' here; this would give poem more immediacy (if that if what you are after?) and, also, link in with your use of the present continous in 'Teasing' - perfectly placed here I think suggestive of the games going on and on...Also adding a lightness of touch, playfulness.

Verse 4: I think perhaps 'A silky mesh' would fit better ? I.e. maybe cut like to make a metaphor - creates a stronger image and also you lose a syllable which I think makes it read better.

Verse 5: liked the contrast of 'in darkness we dabble'. How could I read that without thinking of ducks! I.e. suggested again a lightness of tone and playfulness to me.

Look forward to reading more. Welcome to WriteWords. Write on, miffle ;-)

<Added>

NB Curious as to why you chose to post it under 'Experimental'? Did you consider posting it under 'Erotic'?

NBi Just read your blurb - I understand what you mean but it certainly didn't read 'frustrated' ;-)

<Added>

Whoops! meant 'Oh, so nice!' (?)/ 'if that is what you're after?' / maybe cut 'like'

miffle at 17:46 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
DeeAnna, just read comments re. 'like a silky mesh'; I would change this too 'a silky mesh' because of the reasons I've already mentioned and, also, because I like the run of the 'a' sounds from 'place' to 'a'. Write on, nikki ;-)

poemsgalore at 18:22 on 24 February 2004  Report this post
This sent shivers down my spine, I liked the reference to chocolate at the beginning. Sex and chocolate, mmm give me the chocs any time.


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