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Tiny Little World

by Jojovits1 

Posted: 11 May 2020
Word Count: 115
Summary: Lockdown with me working from home in a one bed flat and hubby having to breathe the same air - with no escape. Help please. I feel it's either too long or too condensed, missing the point and need to fix!


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Version one - the one for Flash with no amendments

Your world
disrupted,
making room
for mine
in our tiny space.
 
Work, home.
My routine
unchanged
though work
and home
are now the same.
 
The difference
is deafening.
There is no telling
when routine
will return
for you.
 
Yet you take
my hand
on our daily walks.
Fresh air
and laughter
our vaccine
 
Life goes on
and in our
tiny, little space
our world
is a universe.

Version two

Your life
disrupted,
making room
for mine
on this 
small island.
 
Yet, on
daily walks
fresh air
and laughter
is our
vaccine.
 
Life goes on.
 
In our tiny,
little space
our world
is a universe.

 






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 18:13 on 12 May 2020  Report this post
I like the strip down except I think you need to reinstate:

you take
my hand

somehow. I missed that 'note'

Jojovits1 at 21:27 on 12 May 2020  Report this post
Thanks Oonah 😁

skyfly2 at 08:16 on 24 May 2020  Report this post
I like it a lot.
lots of depth and feeling.
The words take care of them selves.
 

nickb at 20:33 on 02 June 2020  Report this post
I agree with Oonah the second version is stronger.  You've summed up lockdown for many very succinctly, I'm sure many people will recognise what you're describing as many people are forced to share living space for long periods like never before.  You hint at the need to readjust relationships and the practicalities of life, but the poem has a very positive feel about it.

Nick

Jojovits1 at 23:24 on 02 June 2020  Report this post
Thanks Nick and Edward 😁. I’ve enjoyed my lockdown bubble to be honest.  I’m more worried about how the world is going to look in the aftermath.

JeremyShapcott at 14:40 on 14 August 2020  Report this post
yes


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