490 Challenge by Novy123 - WriteWords.org.uk

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490 Challenge

by Novy123

Posted: 08 May 2020
Word Count: 227
Summary: A manager is dismissed from a position.

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GOING BROKE
Vitality away
Sloped, slopped, slinked, going, sung and gone
Curling with pain; my hands grab for sweet bread
It relieves and then there is pain again, there is silent screaming
Bus stop where the transporters and commuters smile bleakly not knowing one and other
Familiarity of a local, vocalised
Work, family, shops, families, police sirens passing me passing time
Shall I call? Shall I reach out to the one who is no good in my keeping, to my mind beastly
Feet and legs want to scramble, leg it run as if a hill could not stop me
Inside on another ledge my fist is clenched ready for the confrontation
It never comes, this agony is so drama free
Not long ago the path was easy to find, easy to reach to so very visually clear
It even used to seem to sparkle, like my new designer shoes
Now the path is grimy, covered in dust persons walking with beer cans, swear words, locked doors
Staff monitored, me the boss
Was caused caustic jolly not in foundation, was I?
Perhaps looking up at the boss required false smiles
Soda is caustic not that period of time, surely?!
Isolate revere feels!!! Feel and move it, then move it again and then pump that!
The shout from mirror reflection.
Material affirmation you just got lost without translation.

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V`yonne at 14:32 on 10 May 2020 Report this post

This maybe needs some shaping in that I think this is a stanza:

Vitality away
Sloped, slopped, slinked, going, sung and gone
Curling with pain; my hands grab for sweet bread
It relieves and then there is pain again, there is silent screaming

and it works as a good beginning. I think this next section is a stanza too:

Bus stop
where the transporters and commuters smile bleakly not knowing one and other
Familiarity of a local, vocalised
Work, family, shops, families, police sirens passing me passing time

It really helps the reader to separate out these sections and hold a thought at a time. I am not sure what: Familiarity of a local, vocalised means though.

I like the sense of fight or flight -- the sheer panis of:

Feet and legs want to scramble, leg it run as if a hill could not stop me
Inside on another ledge my fist is clenched ready for the confrontation

And the frustration and helplessness of

It never comes, this agony is so drama free

Great contrast there.

Having been bullied at work I identify with the sense of being monitored. Lied to. Watched.

I don't 'get'

'Was caused caustic jolly not in foundation, was I?'

'Soda is caustic not that period of time, surely?!
Isolate revere feels!!! Feel and move it, then move it again and then pump that!'

Might be too modern language for an oldie like me? But I do like the final two lines! It's a good take on how in one moment you can be 'out on your ear' and not recognised/not recognise yourself as the same person you were.

These poems of course can be honed and new versions posted in Poetry Group for further analysis so I will hope to see version 2 at some stage. Never rush. Plenty of time.

Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)

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V`yonne at 14:37 on 10 May 2020 Report this post

I took the liberty of posting a title for you in the 490 forum

http://www.writewords.org.uk/groups/99_472519.asp

That's what we usually do in Flash Poetry.

Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)

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crowspark at 16:03 on 10 May 2020 Report this post

Hi Aisha

Another poem full of strong impressions of internal conflict.

You start with physical symptoms of being stressed:

Vitality away
Sloped, slopped, slinked, going, sung and gone
Curling with pain; my hands grab for sweet bread
It relieves and then there is pain again, there is silent screaming

Feelings of isolation

Bus stop where the transporters and commuters smile bleakly not knowing one and other
Familiarity of a local, vocalised
Work, family, shops, families, police sirens passing me passing time

Conflicted emotions:

Shall I call? Shall I reach out to the one who is no good in my keeping, to my mind beastly

This is very good.

The emotional conflict expressed as a need for action:

Feet and legs want to scramble, leg it run as if a hill could not stop me
Inside on another ledge my fist is clenched ready for the confrontation

I liked

Not long ago the path was easy to find, easy to reach to so very visually clear
It even used to seem to sparkle, like my new designer shoes

I got a bit lost towards the end (but easily fixedI think)

Was caused caustic jolly not in foundation, was I?
Perhaps looking up at the boss required false smiles
Soda is caustic not that period of time, surely?!
Isolate revere feels!!! Feel and move it, then move it again and then pump that!

Great ending.
A strong poem well worth a little polishing.

Bill

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Jojovits1 at 17:21 on 10 May 2020 Report this post

Hey Aisha! First of all, welcome to the group

.

I agree with what has been said above (and Oonah and Bill know much more than I do) and I think if you separated and honed into stanzas it would be easier to read and understand. However, saying that I love the emotion in the poetry you have submitted so far. They make me feel and that can only be a good thing.

I also got a bit lost at the end. Sometimes something that you see clearly in your own head takes a bit more translation for others to see the meaning.

Look forward to seeing more from you and as Oonah has said, if you want to work on this more, please post to the poetry group.

Jo x

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