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Yes

by Practicer 

Posted: 16 October 2019
Word Count: 100
Summary: I felt like writing a drabble or micro fiction piece, as it is more of an anecdote than a plot. However, this anecdote eventually inspired me to study my Fathers Mother tongue.


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Robert spoke no German, his Grandmother, no English.
The evening meal was  Cold meats and sauerkraut.
Robert ate nothing. 
Robert begged his dad to say,  honey roll for breakfast.
His father wanted  a lye in.

´You  ask ´, Robert´s Dad said.
´Whats  honey roll in German?´,  said Robert.
 ´Say Ja, means yes ´ , said Dad.

Next morning , Robert went to the kitchen.
 Suddenly, his Grandmother spoke .
´ Ja!´ , replied Robert. 
Tears jumped from out of Robert´s eyes, when his Grandmother
showed him a plate of cold salmon.
Robert´s Grandmother never took no for an answer.






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Comments by other Members



Practicer at 17:25 on 16 October 2019  Report this post
I got some spelling mistakes, but it was an attempt at editing.

V`yonne at 13:28 on 19 October 2019  Report this post
I got a bit confused with

Robert begged his dad to say,  honey roll for breakfast.


Do you mean Robert begged his dad to say,  'honey roll for breakfast'.
and sp
His father wanted  a lie in.

Drabbles are hard to do and this could maybe be honed a bit. You can put in more info into it, if you trim the fat, so to speak. One trick is to always use one word in place of two where you can so that 'went to' is always 'entered'. And cut out all unnecessary words such as 'suddenly'. Speech brings characters to life.
eg
Next morning Robert entered the kitchen.
His Grandmother spoke.
´ Honey rolls´, said Robert slowly, pointing to the honey. 
Robert´s eyes welled with tears, when his Grandmother produced the usual cold salmon.
'Esse, Esse.'
She never took no for an answer.

So you see that the first part of this says almost exactly the same as the latter part.

Robert begged his dad to say,  honey roll for breakfast.
His father wanted  a lye in.

´You  ask ´, Robert´s Dad said.
´Whats  honey roll in German?´,  said Robert.

 ´Say Ja, means yes ´ , said Dad.If you avoid repeating information you get more words to play with! Try:

"Daddy, Whats  honey roll in German?" asked Robert.
"Not now son."
"Would you ask Grandma, Daddy?"
"It's early!"

Play about with it. See how much you can can cut and what more you can add with the wording you claw back. Drabbles are fun to do -- but fiddly.

You can post the version in the same file here. Just EDIT and put the new version as Version 2 below the first one. Never remove the first one because them people can compare the versions and it makes commenting easier.

Oonah

Practicer at 14:38 on 19 October 2019  Report this post
Thank you for your thorough and  great feedback.
The feeback you have given, I will refer to several times.
I enjoyed writing the drabble and I will take my time with rewriting it.
I have been reading drabbles on line.
I guess,  I was bit too quick in uploading it,  but the idea came through a free write. 
When  I eventually re- draft it, I would be more confident to submit it to a drabble site, as well as this one.
Thankyou .  

Practicer at 15:29 on 19 October 2019  Report this post
When  I refered to free write, the idea to write a drabble come through. I can consciuously remember the anecdote, but  I was  not  thinking about it until I did a few  free writing exercises.  I had written the piece before and sent it to a writing contest, but then I left it alone.  The idea re emerged into a drabble.
I thought that I should explain myself  clearer, perhaps, even for my own sake.

V`yonne at 18:36 on 19 October 2019  Report this post

I was bit too quick in uploading it, 

Not at all! This is a FLASH forum and as such we all up[load precipitously and in doing so we gain a lot! It's an ideas place and we set the challenges each week but they are just jumping off places. It's fun and its a learning curve. If I can find my essay on Precis I will send you a link to it -- or the essay itself.

V`yonne at 18:40 on 19 October 2019  Report this post
Here you go. It's on my blog

https://oovj.blog/2017/03/31/the-long-and-short-of-writing-micro-fiction-essay/

Practicer at 10:59 on 30 October 2019  Report this post
Thank you for micro fantasy essay. I have just noticed it, after checking  what I have recently uploaded.


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