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Brave New World?

by Jojovits1 

Posted: 18 February 2019
Word Count: 74
Summary: For Flash. Posting to poetry group as it needs a tidy! X

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Kid the people
once too often.
Tramp your mantra
of a new dawn
in the minds
of the broken.
Change their perception
with repeated calls
to arms.
Our NHS needs saving.
Our country,
from addicts
and immigrants.
Overhaul the welfare
with a wink.
Kiss blown to
silent stakeholders
comforted by
2974% ARP
In an alleyway
in a shinier part of town,
landing on their feet
the fat cats survive
yet another life.

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Comments by other Members

V`yonne at 12:41 on 19 February 2019  Report this post
Oh they do indeed!!! 

I love the mantra in the minds of the broken. Break people and you have them!
And the calls to arms. I feel very much like that in FB some days (well most days).
That eye watering percentage rate -- is that right?
I think you paint our dystopia rather well, Jo, in our speed of light poetry group laugh

Jojovits1 at 13:36 on 19 February 2019  Report this post
Disgustingly Oonah, that APR percentage is correct.  They should be bloody jailed just for that.  Talk about taking advantage of an already desperate situation!

crowspark at 11:51 on 24 February 2019  Report this post
Spot on Jo.Young people on low wages with most housing beyond their slender pay packets and obscene interests rates for loans (advertised on prime time tv with the apr flashed at the bottom of the screen) from the people who cashed in on it all and bought up all the housing.

Great word choices and sentiments,

Thomas Norman at 21:23 on 24 February 2019  Report this post
No mincing of words here Jo and rightly so. And those words are used to good effect.

It's amazing how we have all ended with more or less the same message.

Great use of the diverse words given.


FelixBenson at 23:28 on 25 February 2019  Report this post
Oh yes, those fat cats have more than the 9 lives! How it keeps repeating. 

Kid the people
once too often.

Honestly we are in dire straits just now, and your poem captures it well. I love the tone, Jo. Really hits home and speaks to us all.

James Graham at 20:05 on 08 April 2019  Report this post
Hi Jo – It wuld be good to see this poem, or another one that you feel needs working on, in the Poetry Group. I know I’m always prodding people to come over to the P.G. but it keeps the group going and (more often than not) the poet gets something out of it. Drop in anytime!

Jojovits1 at 19:29 on 13 April 2019  Report this post
Hi James!  Been over occupied with work recently and will try to get a bit more active soon 😁.

James Graham at 20:20 on 16 April 2019  Report this post
Jo-Ann, I'm really sorry but I'll have to ask you to wait a bit longer for a comment. My PC is playing up and I have to post just a few words otherwise it might not get through to you at all. One way or another I will post a proper comment soon.


Jojovits1 at 20:26 on 16 April 2019  Report this post
No problem James.  Take your time :-).

James Graham at 15:36 on 17 April 2019  Report this post
Hello Jo-Ann – Here I am on a computer in the local library, with a time limit so I’ll keep it short. Political poems can often be too prosaic, but this is just the opposite:
Tramp your mantra
of a new dawn
in the minds
of the broken.

What you’re doing here, I think, is using political clichés and putting them in a context which blows them out of the water. ‘New dawn’ in this case, which you juxtapose with a word that shocks: ‘the broken’. Reading this at first I thought, is that not too strong a word? Then: No, it is not. This is a single mother with two or three children, and no money left three days before benefits day.

I could quote just about anything else as a highlight, but this is outstanding:
In an alleyway
in a shinier part of town,
landing on their feet
the fat cats survive
yet another life.

This is the galvanised cliché again, slightly different this time. ‘Fat cats’ is mainly a cliché used by critics of the system rather than politicians, though I wouldn’t be surprised to hear it from Corbyn. Anyway, you turn it into a knockout blow. There’s something very telling about a metaphor that’s literally accurate as well as figuratively. Actual cats, even fat ones, invariably land on their feet; the billionaires survive crises and crashes perfectly well. And as the last line implies, they may have even more than nine lives! Brilliant.

The only lines I’ve second thoughts about are (1) ‘Change their perception’ and (2) ‘silent stakeholders’. (1) You need a more figurative way of saying what they try to do to the minds of the poor. Since ‘the broken’ includes people who experience hunger, maybe use the idea of feeding them ‘calls to arms’ – ‘food’ which they don’t need, and which may even make them ‘sick’ in a metaphorical sense. (2) Why ‘silent’? Aren’t they more like ‘covert’? Hiding their wealth away like thieves?

I hope you will find something here to get you to a revision, but I can discuss these points further with you if necessary. ‘So I’ll keep it short’! I can’t do short!

Jojovits1 at 20:46 on 19 April 2019  Report this post
Hi James!

Thank you so much for your comments.  As you know, this was written for flash and it really was "flash" (I was trying to beat Oonah's 40 second record wink), so I am extremely pleased by your comments.

I like your suggestion of "feeding" them.  I will see what I can do with that.  I meant "silent stakeholders" in the business sense as in anyone or thing that is affected by decisions but have no voice of their own or a chance to influence those decisions.  It may be a bit woolley so I can look at that too.

Thanks again, James.  As always, really appreciated.


James Graham at 21:11 on 19 April 2019  Report this post
'Silent stakeholders' - I'm not au fait enough with the language  of business! I found the phrase on an ethical business site, where it says 'everyone is a stakeholder at some level' - including consumers, and the planet. 'Silent stakeholders' who 'are not at the table' count as much as any others. You may want to just leave the phrase as it is.


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