Siren
Posted: 01 February 2019
Word Count: 399
Summary: Back to the seaside again sorry. Not sure about the ending.
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Revised Version 2
I can see in the crags a soft waft of weed and anemone
shifting like drowned hair surging in the wallows.
The pool is deep here, the sea rolls in and out
to a lazy metronome, rhythmic, heavy.
I crouch, cockle shelled, limpet stuck,
beguiled by the heft of the pool
and the rippling reflection of myself
a cinematic dream sequence.
My face, deep in the water where the crabs moil,
is backlit by clouds. Small fish flash in the deep
little shooting stars, barely seen, and a seagull
darts through my head keening on a West wind.
I am called to its belly, where the stones shine
and secrets hide in dark nooks. It summons elemental things
that use the sea’s resonance to hold my gaze,
to invite me to look deeper, draw me into its fine fathom
as a more than willing victim. It is dangerous
and comforting, the solemn wash,
water on rock
pulls me closer,
closes my eyes
hear its pulse
But a shout from the promenade ties me to a mast,
and the wind belches up the stench of chips
stripped by gulls from overflowing bins.
I can see in the crags a soft waft of weed and anemone
shifting like drowned hair, it surges in the wallows.
The pool is deep here, the sea rolls in and out
to a lazy metronome, rhythmic, heavy.
I crouch, cockle shelled, limpet stuck,
beguiled by the heft of the pool in which
my reflection is a dream sequence,
jagged lines dance up the sides of a screen;
my face, deep in the water where the crabs moil,
is backlit by clouds. Small fish flash in the deep
little shooting stars, barely seen, and a seagull
darts through my head keening on a West wind.
I am called to its belly, where the stones shine
and secrets hide in dark nooks. It summons elemental things
that use the sea’s resonance to hold my gaze,
to invite me to look deeper, draw me into its fine fathom
as a more than willing victim. It is dangerous
and comforting, the solemn wash
of water on rock
pulls me closer,
closes my eyes
to hear its pulse.
But a shout from the promenade ties me to a mast,
and the wind rouses me, as it lances the stench of chips
stripped by gulls from overflowing bins.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 15:13 on 01 February 2019
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I love that, Nick. I'll try to add a bit more later but my favourite lines
I am called to its belly, where the stones shine
and secrets hide in dark nooks. It summons elemental things
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V`yonne at 13:27 on 03 February 2019
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I think
I crouch, cockle shelled, limpet stuck,
beguiled by the heft of the pool
are as good a 2 lines of poetry as I have ever read. I'd leave the conjuctions (in which) out though and keep to the melifluous language you started with. I didn't think jagged lines worked but this next couplet kind of jarred and maybe I'd cut it altogether because
my face, deep in the water where the crabs moil,
is backlit by clouds.
follows on so well?
Did you mean to put a comma here?
and a seagull
darts through my head, keening on a West wind.
I love the way you formed the line break here
It is dangerous
and comforting, the solemn wash
If you want a kind of forgetfulness I'd go for
water on rock
pulls me closer,
closes my eyes
hear it pulse.
More of a mantra.
I am not sure about the ending either so I am going to hold back on that for now. I like the alertness of 'ties me to the mast' but it took a few reads to get it as I thought you were in the sea and not on a boat so was confused. And
the stench of chips
and
overflowing bins.
certainly startle! But in a good way? Not sure. It al;l seemed to be going one way and then went off on a totally other direction in the last 3 lines. Not that that's a bad thing -- depending on your intent, Nick.
I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for a return to the sea.
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 James Graham at 20:41 on 03 February 2019
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This will be just a preliminary comment, Nick, until I have time to dig deeper. But I was so struck by the title and its relation to the poem that I felt I had to say something. This is one of the best titles I've seen. Titles can just be added by the poet as something appropriate, because it’s better to have a title than not, but this is different.
The narrator is drawn almost irresistibly to the rock-pool and the ‘sea’s resonance’, which is like the call of the sirens in The Odyssey (one of my top ten favourite poems of all time). It’s an inspired idea. The title colours the whole poem; every detail of description gains power from it.
Then of course we find that the idea in the title frames the poem, as we read of how the spell is broken by the banality of ‘the stench of chips’ and the overflowing waste bins. It’s an intrusion of humanity at its most petty and least sensitive – and it ‘ties me to a mast’. Presumably the narrator is struggling to free himself and return to the rock-pool, so much so that his bonds (metaphorically) lacerate his body. Perhaps, not metaphorically but literally, his mind is ‘lacerated’, made very uncomfortable to say the least, by this disgusting sight, the chips, the waste, the litter and the attitude that produces them. (It’s not the gulls’ fault!).
As you can see, your title and its ramifications have given me much to think about. But it’s as I say, titles are so often little more than labels, hopefully relevant to the poem’s content but not nearly as integral to the poem as this.
I will look closely at the rather exciting language and imagery and see if I think anything needs revision. I may after all have reservations about the last stanza (you say you're not sure about it), though I think in essence it’s OK and wouldn’t suggest a total reworking.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
James.
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James Graham at 20:24 on 04 February 2019
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Hello again Nick – This is a poem that you tend to read quite slowly, because you pause to savour individual words and phrases. For example:
I crouch, cockle shelled, limpet stuck
This is very good sealife imagery to convey the narrator’s sense of being held like a prisoner by the motion of the sea, almost as if he can’t escape. A sense of how compelling it is. ‘Cockle shelled’ is a very apt,expressive phrase. Another:
Small fish flash in the deep
little shooting stars
It’s just that this is visually very true to life – certainly to my experience, having paid at least some attention to what was going on in pools on rocky beaches. The assonance of the ‘s’ and ‘sh’ assists the effect here – a sort of muted ‘whizz’ of the darting little fish.
I could quote quite a few more, but take my word for it, there are several more highlights to savour.
Now, one or two points you may want to consider. This couplet seems not quite right:
my reflection is a dream sequence,
jagged lines dance up the sides of a screen
I know what you mean – it’s the way film or TV shimmers to announce a dream sequence. Your reflection in the shimmering pool is like that. Nothing wrong with the idea, but I feel it should be so arranged that the wavy screen comes before the dream sequence is mentioned. Also, I don’t see ‘jagged lines’, I see something softer – ripples or waves, and not ‘up the sides’ but across the whole screen. Ripples and waves are more sea- related anyway. So, something like
the pool in which
waves ripple across, dissolving the scene,
as my reflection becomes a dream sequence
I say ‘Something like…’ As always, this example is just to make sure you see what I mean, and your own version will be more to your own satisfaction.
On the last three lines – after all I find only one word that seems a bit iffy. It’s ‘lances’. One non-metaphorical meaning, the one that first came to mind, is to break the skin of, say, a boil, and let the pus out. Well, maybe. I can just about see the ‘stench of chips’ as a kind of poison stuff released by the wind, but it strikes me as a little far-fetched. You may disagree. Literally, the wind is blowing the smell of chips in your direction, but you want something more arresting. How about ‘The wind offends me with the stench of chips’? I’m sure there are other ways of avoiding ‘lances’ if you wish to do so.
I’d like to mention (not by way of criticism) your four short lines towards the end. These are an excellent example of form reflecting meaning. I take from them an impression that as you are drawn more and more to the pool and to the ‘pulse’ of the water, it’s becoming less necessary to think about it. At this stage you seem to be about to make the mind a blank, to simply hear and feel and not articulate anything. It’s quite powerful. Of course, the ‘shout from the promenade’ comes as even more of a shock!
Brilliant work. Let me know what you think of those suggestions.
James.
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V`yonne at 23:53 on 04 February 2019
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and yet I thought it was the wind lancing. I read it wrong!
and the wind rouses me as it lances
and that made sense.
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 nickb at 08:41 on 05 February 2019
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Hi Oonah & James,
many thanks for your very useful thoughts on this one, some really good suggestions that I will incorporate in to a second version. I agree that the "dream sequence" bit doesn't work as it stands, and maybe doesn't work at all, although it seemed like a nice image at the time and the aim was to highlight the dream like state the observer is in (it also ties back to the hypnotic effect of the Sirens in the Odyssey). I also agree that "lances" may not be the best word here. Lot's to think about, will try and re-draft something over the next few days.
Nick
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James Graham at 20:59 on 05 February 2019
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Don't drop the 'dream sequence' idea if you can help it. One of the best things in the poem. Looking forward to your revision.
James.
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James Graham at 21:02 on 05 February 2019
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Now I see you have dropped it! Well, I'll think it over - maybe the poem will survive!
James.
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nickb at 15:12 on 06 February 2019
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Added it back in James.....I was struggling how to word it effectively. Would be interested to know if you think this works.
Nick
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V`yonne at 16:02 on 06 February 2019
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the peculiar reflection of myself
like a dream rippling the surface.
Yes that works for me, Nick :) and now the ending seems to work as well -- maybe becuase of the change of rhythm engendered by the indeted lines. That prepares us for the change to come. We sink and then are called back by the sounds and smells of the real world.
I think this is a wonderful revision.
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James Graham at 16:45 on 06 February 2019
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Often the best way to approach a revision is to read it by itself, ignoring the original version. On that principle, this poem reads very well. Its highly inventive imagery brings the pool to life, as well as its mesmeric effect on you.
Whether or not to include the dream sequence? Before you put it back in I was going to say that if you feel you can’t get two satisfactory lines, leave it out. Or even if you feel that the dream sequence is too fanciful, perhaps in the way it suggests an imaginary TV screen in this natural setting – in short, if it doesn’t seem true to the experience, leave it out. Your new version doesn’t have a TV in it at all, so if you’re happy with it, keep it. Maybe a more descriptive word than ‘peculiar’? Is there something alien about your reflection, something remote, or something reassuring as it gives you a sense of being more a part of the scene?
Now, your closing lines. I objected to ‘lancing’ and now I’m saying ‘carries’ is too neutral! The line needs a word that evokes some kind of unpleasantness, something offensive. Maybe the word ‘rouses’ is unnecessary as your being roused is strongly implied by the shout. So you might consider
and the wind (does something unpleasant with) the stench of chips
or
and the (adjective) wind carries the stench of chips
– the adjective would personify the wind by attributing a human attitude to it, such as peevishness or churlishness. There are lots of adjectives to choose from.
Just some small items, just a matter of tidying up:
1. In line 2, change ‘it surges’ to ‘surging’. This keeps the sentence grammatically correct. (The rest of the poem is in grammatical sentences.)
2. Comma after ‘comforting’ – ‘It is dangerous /and comforting, the solemn wash,’
3. For me the indented lines are a little distracting. The spacing works, though. So straight down the left, double spaced. And no dots after ‘pulse’. No punctuation at all!
I hope this will be helpful and lead to a final draft. This is a poem that draws readers into an experience, allowing them imaginatively to share it. A ‘close encounter’ with Nature at its most compelling – as well as a very modern touch at the end, one that would have been foreign to the Romantics but not to us.
James.
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nickb at 10:14 on 08 February 2019
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Thanks for all those suggestions James, I've incorporated them in the second revision. The dream sequence bit has been revised as well, although I think the jury is still out on this bit.
Nick
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