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The sole survivor

by Chestersmummy 

Posted: 29 January 2019
Word Count: 1501
Summary: This is a short story I'm thinking of submitting for a competition and would like your views on it. Many thank


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THE SOLE SURVIVOR
 
                The girl turned back to face the camera, her dimples deepening.  Keiron stared mesmerised as the swirl of her hair followed the toss of her head. He was in love. She had to be the most beautiful girl on the planet.
                “So, it’s good news for all you star gazers. It’s going to be a clear night. Ideal for comet watching.”
                Keiron glanced towards his father and his faced burned as his father winked, quickly, he smothered all thoughts of the weather girl.
                “Dad, can I watch? Please.”
                His father raised his eyebrows. “Don’t know lad. There’s school tomorrow. What would Mum say?”
                “She’d let me. There won’t be another comet passing so close in the whole of my life. All my mates will be watching.”
                He was stretching the truth a bit here, well aware of what his mother would really say.
                “Certainly not, Keiron.  How can you concentrate on your lessons if you’re only half awake?”
                In a way, he was glad Mum wasn’t around.  His father was always much easier to handle. Sure enough, Dad was settling himself in his armchair with a little grunt of comfort.
                “OK. Just this once, but if there’s a problem with you in the morning…..” He looked at Keiron over the top of his glasses and Kieron shook his head until his neck hurt.
                “No trouble, I promise. Are you going to watch it with me?”
                “Wouldn’t miss it, son. Don’t have to get up for work in the morning.”
                His father had taken a couple of weeks off while Keiron’s mum was away caring for his Gran. This was despite Keiron, and his sister Becky, vowing it wasn’t necessary. But, in a way, Kieron had been glad when his parents had over-ruled them. If anything went wrong, he would get the blame and Becky could be difficult. “A right little madam,” his mother sometimes called her.
                Later that evening, cameras panned over the night sky while the professor fronting the programme pointed out each glittering constellation, his face alight with enthusiasm.
                Keiron was entranced, wondering if it was cissy to find it beautiful, like stretched black velvet sprinkled with diamonds.  Then, he erupted, his voice cracking with excitement.
                “I see it Dad. Look.…”
A faint luminous smudge had appeared on the outer reaches of the screen and as they watched, it gradually grew brighter, increasing in size until they could clearly see its tail of phosphorescence.
                The astrophysicist’s voice hushed to a reverent whisper.
                “This comet probably originated in the Oort cloud and has been travelling for thousands of light years to get here. It’s the size of a largish building and could do a lot of damage if it collided with earth.”  He chuckled, “but don’t worry, we’ve been tracking it for years and it will miss us by a country mile.”
                Keiron remembered feeling faintly disappointed. It would be well cool if he was wrong. Something to talk about at school, anyway.  At last, the comet dwindled and disappeared.
Keiron’s dad got up and stretched. “Well, that’s that. Switch off the box, there’s a good lad. I’m off to bed.”
                It had been one mad rush to get out of the house the following morning. For some reason, their alarm clocks had failed, and they’d overslept.  His Dad plugged in the electric kettle but it refused to work.  He frowned and tried the lights.
                “Probably a fuse. I’ll sort it out when I get back. Come on….”
                Outside, it was dark and oppressive, the cloud seeming to press down on them like an assassin’s blanket. All the neighbouring houses were in darkness, their shapes insubstantial in the gloom. “Must be a power cut”, his father said.
                As they neared school, groups of youths were trudging up the road. None looked happy and several were fiddling with their phones. Keiron fished for his in his pocket, but it was quite dead.
                The power cut wasn’t just local because the school was affected as well. The teachers made an effort to carry on, but they were just as bewildered as the kids.  Phones were out, power had failed, and no newspapers had arrived in the shops. Rumours began as a trickle and increased to a flood, bobbing with a mess of guesswork. A nuclear device had exploded, hackers had destroyed the internet, and maybe, just maybe, the professor had got it wrong and the comet had collided with Earth.  When Keiron heard this, he was plagued with guilt, after all, he’d more or less wished for it.
                That evening it started to rain. By morning, it was a deluge. A seemingly solid sheet of water fell from the heavens and swirled down the streets while the drains vomited up ugly yellow bubbles. Keiron’s dad made a valiant effort to drive them to school next morning, but rain had got into the engine and it wouldn’t start. He came back in soaked to the skin and streaked with dirt.
                “Bloody rain’s filthy,” he growled and went upstairs to wash in cold water.
                For the next two weeks it showed no sign of stopping , there was still no heating and no news, only conjecture.  Keiron spent the days reading and staring out of rain-washed windows. His father had started to prowl around the house. There’d been no word from Mum and his Gran’s house was near a river. His father was torn but, at last, he made up his mind.
                “I’m going to fetch them. It’s best if we’re all under one roof.”
                Just before he left, he leaned out of the car window. “Don’t leave the house. People are starting to panic and there might be gangs roaming around.” 
                Keiron put his arm around his shivering sister and watched their father drive away, neither of them realising they would never see him again.
                Time crawled.  Both were continuously on edge, waiting for the sound of their car. After many false alarms leading to bitter disappointment, they developed thick shells of stoicism.
There was a good stock of food in the freezer but it was quickly defrosting and there was no means of heating it.  Both got heartily sick of cold baked beans and once, Keiron disobeyed his father and struggled to the corner shop, only to find it closed, its shelves empty.
                Soon, the rain turned to snow. The flakes flying faster and faster until they merged into a solid wall, deadening all sight and sound of life. The temperature plummeted and the house felt like a ‘fridge.  Both piled on layers of clothing but even so, they shivered continuously. At night they crawled under a mound of blankets and lay quaking in each other’s arms. Each day grew colder than the last until it was torture getting out of bed. By then, their food was gone so they didn’t bother. Becky cried a lot so Keiron tried to cheer her up by telling stories but most of the time they slept, drifting in and out of their separate dreams.
                Once Keiron woke to find the room flooded with light and almost fell out of bed thinking it was sunshine. He crawled to the window only to be confronted by a gleaming sheet of ice. During the night, a blizzard must have swept over the house, walling them in.  Numbed, he stumbled back to bed only to find that at some unmeasured moment, Becky had left the world.  He lay down and cradled the cooling body of his sister, waiting to join her.
  
 
                The old man put down his pencil and drew his furs closer. A born writer, he’d never known Keiron and Becky.  But although they were purely figments of his imagination, he was sure they’d existed somewhere in the world. Billions had perished, and a couple of youngsters left alone, would have stood no chance.
Sealed in their house, the youngsters would never have known the truth. Earth had suffered a massive hammer blow from a rogue asteroid lurking in the shadow of the comet, unnoticed by the scientists. Nearing earth it had veered away on its own unstable trajectory and smashed into Northern China sending a huge column of dust and interstellar waste into the atmosphere where it lay like a dirty shroud, blocking every vestige of heat from the sun.  And that was all it took. 
The man supposed he’d been lucky, if lucky was the word. His father, who people had called as survivalist freak, had built a house with a huge basement capable of withstanding any nuclear attack, fully equipped with enough oil, water and food to last a decade.  Somehow, they’d managed to subsist.  But his parents were now dead.  He was on his own and time was running out.
Pulling on all the clothes he possessed, he went outside. Blinking continuously to stop frost forming on his eyelashes, he scanned the bleak wasteland stretching interminably into the distance and wondered if he really was the sole survivor.
 
1500 words.
 
 
 
               
 
  
 






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Comments by other Members



Mickey at 13:24 on 29 January 2019  Report this post
This is creepy.  I have just been reading Zecharia Sitchin,  Ooh-er!  Like the story. BTW there's a typo in the fifth from last line 'as' should be 'a'

Chestersmummy at 18:34 on 29 January 2019  Report this post
Got it Mickey, thanks. Don't know Zecharia Sitchin - will have to explore.

Janet

Sam_H at 20:08 on 29 January 2019  Report this post
Very creepy! I enjoyed reading this. The first section, with Keiron and his dad, is very nicely written; I felt like I was there with them, watching the comet. I felt like the part after the first day of power outage moved a bit too fast - I wanted to see the children's gradual realisation that their father wasn't coming back, and maybe see a bit more detail of the time afterwards. I love the twist at the end of it being a story within a story. Hopefully not a feasible disaster but it sounds realistic.

Sam

Catkin at 11:19 on 30 January 2019  Report this post
As this is for a competition, Janet, I'll look at it soon - today if I can.

When is the closing date? Telling us that may give people more of a sense of urgency!

Chestersmummy at 11:21 on 30 January 2019  Report this post
Hi Sam

Thanks for this. I think the reason the middle bit wasn't fleshed out more was because I was restricted to 1,500 words but I agree it would have been good.  I'm glad that you found the ending feasible.

BW Janet

Chestersmummy at 11:32 on 30 January 2019  Report this post
Hi Catkin

It is just for a small local competition run by a writers group I go to - no money will be changing hands!  The closing date is end of February,

BW
Janet

michwo at 22:33 on 30 January 2019  Report this post
Like you, Janet, I'd never heard of Zecharia Sitchin either.  All I've been able to find out about him is that he wrote a book called "The Twelfth Planet" and called it Nibiru.  I think he believed that extra-terrestrials from there came to earth and had something to do with the Nephilim mentioned in the Old Testament.  To be honest, my eyes glazed over after that.  My knowledge of extra-terrestrials stopped with Eric von Däniken's "Chariots of the Gods" in 1968 when Nazca lines (what???) in Peru were mentioned as "landing strips" for alien spacecraft.  What's the 'Oort cloud' by the way?  There might be a 12th planet called Nibiru in the Kuiper Belt according to a 2016 article in a scientific periodical, but I don't know what the 'Kuiper Belt' is either!  I think I'll stick to H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulu Mythos - it's more literary.
Your story seemed OK to me and, if it's exactly 1500 words in length, you've done well to condense it to a nice round figure like that.

Sam_H at 09:55 on 31 January 2019  Report this post
Ah, that makes sense, Janet. I'd love to see the middle part fleshed out if you ever feel like coming back to it after the competition - I think it could make a really powerful longer story.

Sam

Mickey at 12:47 on 31 January 2019  Report this post
Hello Janet

I’m going to be really cheeky now and actually critique your story.  Feel free to completely ignore anything I say because I couldn’t write a piece of fiction to save my life!

First of all, I recognise and share Keiron’s appreciation of television weather girls (!), and thought it a clever introduction to the story.  However, what is the point of her advising potential star gazers that it’s going to be an ideal night for comet watching, if Keiron and his Dad are going to watch it on the telly?  He could have watched the breakfast time news the following morning.

Just another minor point here which I noticed.  My reading was jarred by the close repetition of ‘in the morning’ (Keiron’s school and Dad’s work).  Bloody pedant!!

Secondly, if the children’s grandmother lives so far away that Dad has to take time off work, it’s not very likely that he’d leave the two kids alone, or that they would be as philosophical when he didn’t return.  In this respect, I think that an extension of this basic idea would make an incredible longer story but, as you have said, you are limited to 1500 words.  Nevertheless, I think anyone reading this would immediately realise that both Keiron’s and Becky’s first instinct would be utter panic at the absence of their parents.  As a result, your story (or rather, that of the sole survivor), takes on an air of futuristic SciFy where familial dependencies no longer apply.

Sorry, you must be thinking ‘bloody interloper’ by now!  Another point I noticed was that Dad ‘made a valiant effort to drive them to school’ – but he didn’t!  His car wouldn’t start (although after two more weeks of rain, it was apparently able to take him to Gran’s)

I agree with Sam about fleshing this out.  The explanation in the final shortish paragraphs after the longer build up is brilliant.

What made the hairs on my neck stand on end, however, was that the Earth had been hit by a rogue asteroid rather than the monitored comet.  This is exactly the situation proposed by Sitchin who, from an interpretation of ancient Sumerian texts, postulated that another planet on a huge elliptical orbit passes through the inner solar system every 3,600 years.  During one of its passes, one of its comets struck a pre-existing planet splitting it in two, one half becoming the asteroid belt and the other Planet Earth.

Such an, as yet, unidentified extra planet has now been identified within the Kuiper Belt which contains Pluto – and it’s heading our way.  Sorry Sam, but this is a feasible disaster !!!

Anyway, Janet, sorry again for the negative nature of my comments on your story which I will say again, would make a terrific longer piece – and even a compelling plot for the big screen.  How are you on screen writing?

Mike

Mickey at 13:34 on 31 January 2019  Report this post
Actually, the more I think about it, this is just MEANT to be a film - the deluge, the panic, the isolation, the post-apocalyptic outside world.  I'd be approaching a screenwriter and production company if I were you!

Thomas Norman at 16:14 on 31 January 2019  Report this post
Hello Janet,
Your story was a pleasure to read and I liked the idea of it. You got the feelings of the characters across well and I could really empathise with them. All in all a fine piece of writing.

I noticed a couple of anomalies that you could perhaps clear up for me. Firstly we are told when the father wanted to take the children in the car it wouldn’t start and he got soaked in trying to fix it. Shortly after we find him driving off to fetch his wife. Did he manage to fix the car even though he had failed earlier. He could not have got a mechanic to it as all communication was out and everywhere closed.
The second point was regarding the asteroid. We can assume that the story is recent so it is unlikely, with the sophisticated tracking of  these objects, that it would not have been noticed. I don’t think it could hide behind a comet with the size needed to cause such devastation. All objects travel through space in a straight line unless they encounter another object large enough to deflect them. It is not likely other wise that the asteroid would veer from its course. Perhaps you have researched the point and could explain how it might be possible. I am very interested in space but don’t have a great knowledge of it. I think before you submit this to a competition you might like to add a few lines to make the above points clear.

Let me assure you I thought the writing excellent and enjoyed the atmosphere you created.

Thomas.

Thomas Norman at 16:19 on 31 January 2019  Report this post
PS.
Having read and commented before reading others comments I now se that Mike has pointed out about the car, and a couple of things I missed. I was in no way trying to belittle his excellent critique.

Thomas.

Mickey at 17:13 on 31 January 2019  Report this post
But wouldn’t this make a great film Thomas!  I can see the scenes in my mind’s eye now. Of course, the children would have to be those annoyingly capable American teenagers that you get in that genre of suspense movies, but I really do think such a film would be absolutely terrific!!

Chestersmummy at 12:03 on 01 February 2019  Report this post
Hi Michwo/Sam/Thomas/Mickey

Completely chuffed to see my story is receiving so much attention. Will try my best to answer some of your questions/comments.

Michwo: I know practically nothing about the solar system but apparently the Oort cloud is a spherical cloud of icy space debris situated in the outer reaches of the solar system. Every so often these particles jostle about and may form comets which break away and head towards our sun (I think). If I'm wrong then I am sure someone will let me know!

 Mike: Thanks for your critique and be assured I never ignore any comments as so often I learn from them!

First of all the weather - I really wrote this story meaning it to be a 'spiffing yarn' and in my original story the presenter was based on Prof Brian Cox and I wanted the weather to be clear so that telly viewers could see it as well as the astronomers. Watching it on the telly the next morning is not the same! I also included a bit about Keiron's dad agonising as to whether to leave the kids on their own but at that point it was just rain and he did not realise the seriousness of the situation.

Will watch the repetition of 'in the morning' and thanks for pointing this out. 

Thomas:
In my longer story I did include a bit about the car being left out in the rain, Keiron & his dad had to push it into the garage to dry out. 
The bit about the asteroid breaking away from the comet and being unnoticed was clearly just imagination and I fully accept this would never really happen - I just thought it made a good yarn!

Thanks all of you for taking the time to read and comment on this story. In view of your positive (mostly) comments, I am thinking of developing this into an even longer story than my original!

Best wishes, Janet



 

Max Drayton at 14:14 on 01 February 2019  Report this post
Hello Janet

An enjoyable apocalyptic read. 
Nice phrasing:    
  the cloud seeming to press down on them like an assassin’s blanket.  
A tense build-up of the planet’s escalating problems.
 
Good concept. Could be developed to a lengthier piece (as others have said), further building tension. Perhaps a roving gang did try to break in and were repulsed (or is that too ‘Home Alone’?). Perhaps the father went to get Mum on a motorbike - further hazard. Sorry - over-thinking it.

         Very good ending.
      
You have many positive comments, most agreeing with each other. That should spur you on to enter the piece in that competition, but also work on making it longer,

Excellent work.

MAX
              
        
        
  
 
        

 

Catkin at 02:23 on 06 February 2019  Report this post
I enjoyed it, Janet - if “enjoyed” is the right word. I appreciated it, anyway. I liked the fact that it’s a story within a story, and although that actual story isn’t true, there must be millions of true stories of that sort. There’s a nice sense of “This isn’t true … it’s far, far worse than that …”

I don’t have any nitpicks about the actual writing, but I do have a few about credibility and practical matters.

I would have liked to have known how old Keiron and his sister are.

Keiron and his father watch the comet on TV, but I think they would also want to go outside and see if they could see it with their own eyes.

I agree that it seems odd that the car is waterlogged, and then later it is working again.    
          

It had been one mad rush to get out of the house

- why “it had been” rather than “it was”?
 

His Dad plugged in the electric kettle but it refused to work.  He frowned and tried the lights.
                “Probably a fuse. I’ll sort it out when I get back.

- when a fuse blows, just one circuit will go dead, not everything in the whole house. His dad would know straight away that they had a power cut (and you need a small d on dad here).
 

A nuclear device had exploded, hackers had destroyed the internet, and maybe, just maybe, the professor had got it wrong and the comet had collided with Earth.  When Keiron heard this, he was plagued with guilt, after all, he’d more or less wished for it.

- I think you need a greater sense of disaster and panic. Keiron would be more than just guilty.
 

                For the next two weeks it showed no sign of stopping , there was still no heating and no news, only conjecture.  Keiron spent the days reading and staring out of rain-washed windows. His father had started to prowl around the house. There’d been no word from Mum and his Gran’s house was near a river. His father was torn but, at last, he made up his mind.
                “I’m going to fetch them. It’s best if we’re all under one roof.”

- he leaves it far too long, in my opinion. Without any news, they would all be desperately worried within a day. I think he would be off to try to find them on day two.
 

There was a good stock of food in the freezer but it was quickly defrosting and there was no means of heating it.

- it’s been over two weeks, so yes, it would have unfrozen some time since.

  

           Becky had left the world.  He lay down and cradled the cooling body of his sister, waiting to join her.

 
- what caused her death? Was it starvation, or the cold, or both? Her death comes without any prior warning, and I think it would help to give some indication that it may be coming.

That’s all I can think of. I hope those points help. The best of luck with it - I think this one would have a good chance in  a competition.               

Chestersmummy at 16:56 on 06 February 2019  Report this post
Thanks Catkin for all your help. I think this story really needs a re-write, a longer version that will cover all the points mentioned by you all. Have decided not to enter it into this comp. as the word-count prescribed is too short.

Am not very practical, so didn't realise about the fuse!  Again, many thanks for your help and I'm glad you enjoyed it. 

Janet

 


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