Man and boy
Posted: 17 January 2019
Word Count: 151
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There your small fingers lie
open on a blue bucket,
your eye fixed on me, and
then the incoming sea
glazing the silk soft sand,
your hand taps the top to
release high towers, trim
corners of a curtain
wall drying in a salt
wind, your blonde hair gently
ruffled by the voice
of the sea, tranquil as
a turning page, free as
the few clouds above this
beautiful chaos, which
we follow to a warm
sea wall where we sit and
watch our castle slowly
flood and flounder, but in
our blood we know no tide
nor wind nor voice will breach
our roots which interlock
like your hand in mine, and
looking at your dear face
I am numb with love that
cannot be shaken like
the sand between our toes
as we slowly stand, hand
in hand, and smile as we
talk all the long mile home.
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 21:16 on 18 January 2019
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Hello Nick – There may be a few small tweaks I can suggest, but this must surely be one of your best poems. It brings to life an ‘ordinary’ day, a parent and child at the beach, having fun – fun that grows into something deeper, a moment of happiness. And it’s all told without a hint of sentimentality.
As I’m sure you know, poems about happiness and love are very prone to cliché. Cliché and sentimental language give an impression that the feelings expressed are neither sincere nor special in any way; but this poem portrays that afternoon at the beach as very special indeed. I’ll use three lines to illustrate:
I am numb with love that
cannot be shaken like
the sand between our toes
‘Numb’ is surprising but perfectly appropriate. The best reason I can give is ‘I know what you mean’. It’s the word I have searched for at similar moments, but never found, and now here it is. Numb. Yes. It’s true. Then we read that this love is not like ‘the sand between our toes’ – not a dreamy sort of love, one that’s grounded in the moment and the real experience of today.
I see some remarkable verse techniques here too. The poem is one sentence from beginning to end. I asked myself if this causes it to lose its way at any point, but it doesn’t. By this means and with your use of assonance – some alliteration but mainly internal rhyme - you convey a sense of the afternoon flowing along smoothly and harmoniously. It’s almost as if there were a melody running through it – in classical music terms, affettuoso, played with tender emotion. Plus: I think every line has 6 syllables (not easy to achieve); certainly every stanza has 3 lines; this regularity helps to convey a sense of order, a sense that nothing disturbs the happiness of this day, nothing will spoil the memory of it. All this adds up to something I love to find in a poem: a use of form as well as language to convey meaning, and feeling. You’ve found ways to make the poem’s form serve the meaning and enhance it.
Now, those tweaks. The bucket surely belongs to the boy (your son, I assume). So why not ‘on your blue bucket’ in line 2? Second, if he’s ‘blonde’ he has changed his sex. ‘Blond’ for a boy. Next, something maybe a little more important:
this
beautiful chaos, which
we follow
If ‘chaos’ refers to the beach, it seems a bit exaggerated. Is it the ‘chaos’ of the billions of sand grains, loose, shifting, disordered? But looking along a beach (unless it’s a bank holiday) I think you get a sense of tranquillity, even permanence, rather than chaos. The total effect of the billions of particles isn’t chaotic. Then the idea of following this chaos seems wrong: if you follow chaos you get hopelessly lost! I don’t know what alternative word to suggest, though, and I’ll have to leave it to you. Having written this, I begin to think the criticism is too hair-splitting. It is a ‘beautiful’ chaos after all, and that word takes away the more disconcerting overtones the word might have. If you explain and justify your use of ‘chaos’ here, I will almost certainly be convinced.
This is a brilliant, moving poem. There are many other excellent lines as well as the ones I’ve quoted. One reason it appeals to me so much is familiarity: with my own children, and more recently grandchildren, I’m sure I’ve had similar experiences. Any reader who has children would feel the same, I would think, and those who don’t could easily imagine. Still, you can’t expect readers to feel such familiarity and immediacy unless it’s a well-made poem!
James.
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 nickb at 19:26 on 19 January 2019
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Hi James,
many thanks for your thoughts on this one. It was an interesting exercise in terms of its form. I had no intention of it being a single sentence at the outset, it seemed to flow that way at the start and it was then an interesting challenge to keep it going. I'm glad you think I got away with it. And the use of 6 syllables per line at first seems a rather arbitrary device but, as you say, does deliver an interesting rythm and structure.
In terms of using "chaos", I grew up by the sea side and always associate it with the bustle and hubbub of people enjoying the beach. Even on the few days when the weather is kind and the sea is gentle there are children running about shouting with enjoyment (or cold shock if they're heading in to the sea!) and seagulls crying. I guess the chaos I had in my mind relates to this rather than the beach itself in this instance, and we follow the clouds rather than the chaos to the sea wall. Hope that makes sense.
Nick
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 FelixBenson at 10:11 on 20 January 2019
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A very moving poem, Nick. Vividly expressed, it really invites us in to share this moment of togetherness on the beach.
I really like the way the poem is one sentence, a stream of consciousness linking together thoughts, feelings and impressions - like the way it opens on what feels like a close-up image.
There your small fingers lie
open on a blue bucket,
It brings us right inside the thoughts as they happen like a silent film before us - but also it feels right, as in those moments of intense introspection or epiphany, the ability to recollect of fine details is there. And small images can take on a greater significance. There is also maybe a sense of trying to capture and hold this moment in the mind's photo album, to not forget this feeling on this day. Especially as the poem moves towards these lines, which are really excellent.
I am numb with love that
cannot be shaken like
the sand between our toes
As James said, 'numb' is an inspired choice, and an absolutely right choice too.
Great poem.
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James Graham at 19:25 on 20 January 2019
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Nick, thanks for your reply clarifying that little bit about chaos. It's perfectly clear now. I hope you will send this poem to TLW or elsewhere.
James.
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 Thomas Norman at 10:22 on 21 January 2019
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Hi Nick,
Such beauty in words; how can simple words alone produce this beauty? I love this delicate, moving poem. Especially formal structure appeals to me and I found this a perfect example of one such that does not 'feel' structured but quite natural in its progression. Its lovely lines etc. have been mentioned and I can only agree. I must mention my favourite stanza is the final one.
This is so wonderful, a perfect impression.
as we slowly stand,
An intelligent and lovely poem Nick. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Thomas.
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 V`yonne at 12:18 on 21 January 2019
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Beautiful poem. I love the alliterations and the very satisfying beginning and end. Most of all I love:
your blonde hair gently
ruffled by the voice
of the sea, tranquil as
a turning page, free as
the few clouds above this
beautiful chaos,
which speaks to me of the chaos of the sea and sky and nature -- but also of the chaos that brings about life and the chaos of play and entropy of sand which you affirm so well in
watch our castle slowly
flood and flounder, but in
our blood we know no tide
nor wind nor voice will breach
our roots which interlock
like your hand in mine,
I am sure you could win a comp with this one or get paid for it, but if not then please consider sending it to me.
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nickb at 20:48 on 23 January 2019
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Hi Kirst, Thomas and Oonah, many thanks for your response to this one, it is certainly gratifying to know that you like it. It constantly surprises me how poems develop as I work through them. Whilst I wanted to do something in a structured form, I had no intention at the outset of making it a stream of consciousness, it just turned out that way. I don't know about you but I sometimes have no idea where particular phrases come from. "Numb" for example just appeared from nowhere and I was in two minds as to whether it made sense or not. Happily it seems to work.
Nick
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