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Fairy Rings and Angel Wings
Posted: 28 September 2018
Word Count: 286
Summary: I wrote this a while back (not from personal experience I might add). The only trouble I have is that I can't read it without dropping into the rhythm of the Beach Boys 'Disney Girls'
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Tea-time chimes
and Nursery Rhymes
always take me back,
to when the kids were small
and we played ball
and I dropped the catch.
All those cotton buds
and bath time suds
seem to fill my thoughts.
And the fairy rings
and angel wings
on our country walks.
But now they’ve grown
(how the years have flown!)
and we grew apart,
although memories stay
of those happier days
in my lonely heart.
The mess they made
with their lemonade
and their chocolate cake.
Not assuring you
that my love was true
was my big mistake.
We were blessed
with such happiness
that it couldn’t last.
So I’m here again
walking memory lane
thinking of the past
and those happy days
when the record played
to our favourite track
which I’ll still play,
and dream one day
you’ll be coming back.
V.2 same words, new format
Tea-time chimes and Nursery Rhymes
always take me back,
to when the kids were small and we played ball
and I dropped the catch.
All those cotton buds and bath time suds
seem to fill my thoughts.
And the fairy rings and angel wings
on our country walks.
But now they’ve grown (how the years have flown!)
and we grew apart,
although memories stay of those happier days
in my lonely heart.
The mess they made with their lemonade
and their chocolate cake.
Not assuring you that my love was true
was my big mistake.
We were blessed with such happiness
that it couldn’t last.
So I’m here again walking memory lane
thinking of the past
and those happy days when the record played
to our favourite track
which I’ll still play, and dream one day
you’ll be coming back.
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 20:51 on 28 September 2018
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I'll comment on this soon, Mike. Busy today writing a masterpiece of my own!
James.
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James Graham at 20:39 on 29 September 2018
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Another demonstration of your gift for rhyming – one of your best. There’s no sense anywhere in the poem that the meaning has been lost or a line forced just to make the rhyme. It reads very well.
I’m struck by the way the mood of the poem changes. At first it seems a nostalgic but quite happy set of memories of when the children were small. The details are vivid: dropping the catch while playing ball, and the 'fairy rings and angel wings'. But it becomes sadder in two stages. The first sign is
and we grew apart
though it occurs to me that maybe you just mean they’ve got their own lives now and they’re still in touch but the fun of childhood is gone. But it could mean they’re out of touch, even estranged – which is a lot worse, but either way it’s sad, especially as we come to the phrase ‘my lonely heart’. Then another memory – ‘The mess they made…’ – is followed by a bit of a shock.
Not adoring you
when your love was true
was my big mistake.
So it seems the poem’s speaker (I use this expression rather than ‘you’ as you say it's not from personal experience) has split up with his wife. The rest of the poem is full of regret about this.
In case you think the above is a criticism of the poem, it’s not that at all. In fact on a second or subsequent reading I feel quite glad that it’s not all about happy memories of the children. The change of mood distinguishes the poem and makes it more original.
As I say, your technique is near-perfect, but there are two lines where I thought the rhythm was a bit out. Stanza 2 line 1 sounds better to me as just ‘Those cotton buds’, and the last line of stanza 5 sounds like this:
THINKing of the PAST
with three weak stresses between the two strong stresses. It trips the reader up a little. How about
reLIVing the PAST
This runs more smoothly, I think. This is nit-picking to some extent, but we strive for perfection!
Your lighter poems can be simply funny and entertaining – nothing wrong with that – but this one runs quite a bit deeper, rather a special combination of pleasant nostalgia and real sorrow and regret. A fine poem.
James.
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 Mickey at 10:51 on 01 October 2018
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Hi James
Thank you for your kind comments on this piece. It is indeed the imagined regrets of a guy whose wife has left him (mine hasn’t!) and who is reflecting on his own shortcomings (a bit like my ‘Jalopy’ poem). I was pleased with the idea of his comparing his present sadness by remembering happier times ‘when the kids were small’ and I hoped that ‘dropping the catch’ would be a kind of subconscious prelude to his later failings that he can now see retrospectively. Although it’s a string of maudlin memories, I was nevertheless quite pleased with the images I managed about the joys of early parenthood (my son and now grandsons reminded me of those joys)
As far as the poem itself is concerned, I wrote this a while ago, but I can’t honestly remember if it was inspired by ‘Disney Girls’ (Beach Boys). I think it probably was as it shares the same AABCCA format. The trouble with it however, is that these wistful stanzas don’t lead to any conclusion. The Beach Boys song uses the same slow build up to break momentarily into a different ‘beat’ half way between lines 3 and 6 on both verses 3 and 6. When I read this I always involuntarily introduce a ‘aah’ after ‘we grew apart’ with the three following lines closing the first half of the poem and the whole thing starting again with the fourth stanza. I’m not sure if it works as a straight poem?
Thanks for reading and commenting though
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Mickey at 18:46 on 01 October 2018
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James
My other concern with this piece is the
'Not adoring you, when your love was true'
which seems a bit weak - I couldn't think of an alternative to 'adoring'
What about changing the emphasis to
'Not assuring you, that my love was true'
which doesn't sound quite so desperate and soppy and reinforces his sense of guilt?
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James Graham at 19:13 on 01 October 2018
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Mike, much as I would like to discuss the link between your poem and the Beach Boys song, I have to tell you I don’t know the song. I’m an extreme case – hardly know any pop music! I quite like those artists who nowadays are called ‘Oldies’, e.g. Tony Bennett, Peggy Lee. I’m a real fan of Johnny Cash, but he’s not really a pop singer. Jazz singers too, e.g. Sarah Vaughan, Billie Holiday. Maybe it’s my ignorance, but I don’t really know what you mean when you say ‘These wistful stanzas don’t lead to any conclusion’. It’s in the nature of this poem not to reach a conclusion, because the situation it describes, this man who’s lonely and full of regrets, is ongoing. As for the ‘different beat’, I picked up on that and thought it worked well, reflecting the change of mood that begins in stanza 3. I don’t see a problem. I can discuss this with you further – even if I can’t talk about the Beach Boys!
James.
PS. I've just seen your new comment with that new line. No need to give it a second thought - 'Not assuring you that my love was true' (no comma) is much better. 'Adoring' was a bit like a soppy love song by one of the 'Oldies'!
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Mickey at 10:40 on 04 October 2018
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About a year ago I posted an enquiry on the group forum asking members if they thought that the shape of a poem affected the reader’s perception of the piece. Here is a case in point. I found that my original format created a feeling of each verse leading up to something ‘beat’-wise, that then didn’t deliver the goods. I now prefer the new version which I think reads better as a poem rather than the alternative words to the existing song. Any thoughts?
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