Login   Sign Up 



 

A love poem - revision

by nickb 

Posted: 15 September 2017
Word Count: 159
Summary: Thanks for al the really useful feedback. Have tried to listen to it as much as possible.


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


Let us stand stock still, as we are,
the warp of my arm on the weft of your waist,
watch the sun sing across the garden
to the vale beyond, and face
the estuary on its turning tide.
 
Our shadows merge like a great standing stone.
In their slow drift East to West
they weave in whispers, shade on shade,
the story of our lives, our love.
This moment with you is a home coming.
 
I have few words; I’ll let the blackbirds’ chatter
tell you what I am, your heart’s echo. 
I would pull your fabric close to mine.
This tapestry will show the night we met,
and, oh that kiss, that kiss we built a life on.
 
I would stand here until the leaves fall,
all these long days on the hill
and in the moonlight as it dresses our shadow again.
Stay with me and hold me still
so that the rest of me unfurls.
 






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



joanie at 14:48 on 15 September 2017  Report this post
Hi Nick.  I think that this is a good revision; I love the closing lines now that you have changed things around.  'I have few words' conveys so much more, I feel, than 'inarticulate'.

Beautiful.

Joan

Cliff Hanger at 16:52 on 15 September 2017  Report this post
Hi Nick,

Sorry I've come late to this one. What a moving poem of complete integrity and feeling. All of the positives that have already been raised are justified and then some. I particularly like how you interlace yourself, your wife and your feelings for each other around your obvious love of nature and the place where you live. In fact, if I were to suggest a different title it might be something like Interlaced. Similarly I really liked the original part about the blackbird and the crow so I offer up

Let crow call and blackbird
chatter tell you what I am,
your traced (or tracery) heart.
 

Because traced is an identical copy and makes me think of those graphs they do of your heart's echo or tracery because it is an interlaced ornament. I think that picks up on all of the interwoven imagery. 

Feel free to ignore both suggestions as your revision probably doesn't need anything more.

Jane



 



James Graham at 21:26 on 15 September 2017  Report this post
This is an excellent revision. Yes, swapping the last two stanzas does work. ‘I have few words’ – it’s surprising how often a simple expression like that is so much more effective that a polysyllabic word. I don’t think you really need the crow’s call – haunting in its own way but harsh, not so much in tune with what you want to say.
 
Still one point maybe worth considering. ‘Echo’ – the idea you’re expressing here is that ‘what I am’ is a likeness, or echo, or image, some form of reflection of you. What do you think of ‘your heart’s likeness’? I suggest that because ‘echo’ is obviously to do with sound, but something more visual might accord better with the key imagery of tapestry. It’s fifty-fifty though, as there is already something aural in the ‘blackbirds’ chatter’. On reflection I think ‘echo’ is as good a word as any.
 
Jane’s comment brings out something I didn’t see before, but it’s there all right:
 

I particularly like how you interlace yourself, your wife and your feelings for each other around your obvious love of nature and the place where you live.

 
You can be well satisfied with this poem. It really does have, as Jane says, ‘complete integrity’ and it’s very real and very moving.
 
James.

nickb at 21:26 on 15 September 2017  Report this post
Many thanks Joan and Jane.  Interesting idea about the tracery Jane, might explore that further.

Nick

nickb at 14:04 on 16 September 2017  Report this post
Thanks James, just hope my wife likes it now!

Nick

V`yonne at 18:23 on 18 September 2017  Report this post
She likes it, doesn't she Nick! yes


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .