Login   Sign Up 



 

The Space Between

by Mickey 

Posted: 07 August 2017
Word Count: 148
Summary: Hereís another romantic offering as the last one seemed to go down well


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


The hardest thing to give you is the space you need between us.
I want to see and be with you each minute of the day.
I know you need to be alone to think about what’s happening –
the possible tomorrows and the pain of yesterday.
I cannot promise happiness as nothing has a guarantee,
but I love you with conviction that I’ve never known before.
I did my very best to show how very much you mean to me,
and to demonstrate there’s no one in the world could love you more.
I know you have a life to live and I’ve encroached upon your space,
and now you need to be alone to think your future through.
You know exactly how I feel, so the hardest thing for me to give
is the space you need between us, when all I want is you. xxx






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



joanie at 21:30 on 07 August 2017  Report this post
I love this one, Mike, especially the rhymes and the repetition at the beginning and end.  The idea that the hardest gift to give is space, is wonderful, but so true.
Beautiful!

Now....  wait for it....  as you are so good at rhyme and metre, I really do think that you should set yourself the challenge of writing a poem in a particular form like a sonnet or villanelle.  It is interesting to look into different forms, I think!

Excellent read, thank you.

Joan
 

Mickey at 21:38 on 07 August 2017  Report this post
Thanks for your kind comment Joanie. Sonnet?, Villanelle? You're 'avin a larf in't yer?  I've heard the terms but don't know what they are!!
 

joanie at 21:46 on 07 August 2017  Report this post
Look them up!  Honestly, it's a challenge, but it's good fun.  (Well, I think so!).  Have a look at my 'Making up the rules'.  Your poem reminded me of it.

Joan

Mickey at 08:17 on 08 August 2017  Report this post
Oooh-er, Joanie. I've just read your villanelle and am in awe!  I also looked up what constitutes a villanelle and could only just about understand the description!  Your 'Making up the Rules' is fantastic. I don't think I could manage anything like that - but I may have a go. Incidentally, I was not talking about a poem's technical form in my forum question (which I think Jane might be referring to) but to the actual shape that it forms on the page. Thanks for the challenge, although I don't honestly think I'm up to it!

joanie at 08:42 on 08 August 2017  Report this post
Go for it! 

As for shape on the page, I think that it can be really important too, as long as it isn't a 'performance' piece, obviously, because the audience wouldn't be able to see it!  Unless it has now changed, you never used to be able to post poems on WW which have the shape you want without a lot of fiddling about, which was rarely successful.  Anyway, I'm digressing.

Thanks for reading the poem and your comments.

Joan

 

Cliff Hanger at 08:54 on 08 August 2017  Report this post
Hi Mike,

Anyone can write a Villanelle or any form for that matter. Whether you can do it well is a separate issue (as witnessed by Paul - A Not Very Villanelle in my archive). I just followed what it said to do on Wikihow but it was published in Football Poets and went a bit viral. Insane. But it just shows you that sometimes you speak to the moment.

To begin with, when people in my writing group asked me 'what are you working on at the moment' I'd say 'oh, I seem to be writing a lot of poetry - but I'm not really a poet'. (They're all fiction heads and think poetry is a bit dumb). Until I realised that, if I'm writing a lot of poetry, that's exactly what I am. So now I own it.

Now I'm taking a break!!

Jane

Mickey at 09:01 on 08 August 2017  Report this post
Not too long a break I hope Jane?

Thomas Norman at 19:12 on 08 August 2017  Report this post
Hi Mike,

This is lovely, a true romantic you are! I get the distinct impression that this is taken from personal experience.

As ever with your poems the rhythm and rhyme are impressive and the sentiment subtly expressed.

A pleasure to read. Diversity is the spice of life, your contribution to this site is invaluable.

Thomas.

James Graham at 15:31 on 09 August 2017  Report this post
Another delightful love poem. The first line grabs us right away, and I think it’s because ‘space’ comes as a surprise but that’s immediately followed by recognition. ‘Space?...Ah yes, I know what you mean.’ Couples need space – both of them – so they can still be autonomous individuals as well as part of a close companionship, though they’re very happy with the latter too. I very much like the repetition (with a little variation) at the end.

I think it would be better to change the seventh line to
I’ve done my very best to show how much you mean to me

Two things there. ‘I did my best’ seems to imply ‘and now it’s all over’. It’s an uncompromising past tense. I don’t think it’s all over, even though there’s a hint in this line
and now you need to be alone to think your future through

that she needs more than just a temporary space, because she has a lot of thinking to do. All the same, I’ve a feeling that she will be back. ‘I’ve done my best’ says ‘up to the present, and in the future too’.

Also in the seventh line, leave out the second ‘very’.

Would the last two lines make better sense if you put ‘that’ instead of ‘so’?
You know exactly how I feel, that the hardest thing for me to give

Now it’s an explanation of ‘how I feel’ and also what ‘You know’. I feel that the hardest thing…’ and ‘You know that the hardest thing…’

Just a few tweaks. I’ll just use the same word again – delightful poem. It’s the word that best describes it.

James.


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .