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Farmhouse Evening

by ronaldanne 

Posted: 06 August 2017
Word Count: 78
Summary: First, thank you for the comments and suggestions for my previous poem. They were immensely helpful in getting the first 2 lines sorted out. This poem is a memory of my first night in a farmhouse before picking tomatoes in the morning.


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The television in the background is a game of blind man’s bluff.
The small wind beneath the tree – the fluttering of a pheasant’s wings.
The light through the window is the moon hunting.
The night sounds, your voice returning naked
or crickets folded into the wall.
The fields retreat to their dark creases in the folds of hills.
Now is the time of the good darkness
when our hands imagine the ripeness that awaits a feathery sun.






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Comments by other Members



joanie at 18:15 on 06 August 2017  Report this post
Hi Ron,

Because of your summary, I can really feel the anticipation of the final line here.  I love your images:  'the fluttering of a pheasant’s wings',  'the moon hunting',  'crickets folded into the wall',  'feathery sun'.

This does depict a mood of the darkness and stillness of the night.

Beautifully evocative pictures and feelings.

I can feel my hands itching to get going, despite the wait until dawn!

Enjoyed the read!

Joan

James Graham at 20:15 on 06 August 2017  Report this post
Apologies for not getting back to you on this:
Transfixed by the stare, the tongue, I am
frozen prey, barely touching the wet ground.

It's a very successful revision. Just right. It's dramatic and much more immediate; the reader is aware of the suddenness and drawn into the sense of close and impending danger. And it's good to have the 'wet ground' still there, as Jane said.

We have quite a deluge of new poems just now, but I'll catch up with 'Farmhouse Evening' soon.

James.

ronaldanne at 22:17 on 08 August 2017  Report this post
Thank you Joan for the comments.  I am fond of those images as well. The anticipation among us young folks in the farmhouse was palpable the night before our first foray into the tomato fields. I recall the farmer and his older son being amused and offering to give us flashlights to start picking before the sun came up. At some point we went to bed and all the night sounds including the TV became amplified. Perhaps needless to say the second night there was a bit less enthusiasm for another day in the fields under a punishing sun.

Thanks again for reading. I do appreciate it.

~Ron

Thomas Norman at 09:06 on 09 August 2017  Report this post
Hi Ron,

As the son of a farmer I can picture this scene vividly. In my time though there was no TV so the night sounds were a little different. Rather more haunting sometimes! You capture that time just before dawn so very well and the final two lines are perfect.One small thing that caught my attention in such a short poem was the twice use of "fold".
This is my favourite line, it is so very true.

The small wind beneath the tree – the fluttering of a pheasant’s wings.

Thomas



ronaldanne at 11:38 on 09 August 2017  Report this post
Thank you Thomas,

I was merely a summer visitor to the farm. I experienced something quite unique for a city boy in those days. The memories are still vivid.
Thank you for picking up the use of the word "fold" twice. I will give the problem some thought and look for a good substitute for one of them. I tend to write short poems. I generally have one or two thoughts and a hand full of images put together and call it done.
I appreciate your comments and thank you for reading my poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.

~Ron

James Graham at 16:01 on 09 August 2017  Report this post
A brilliant short poem. What I notice about it is your way of making a line come to life by the use of one word:
The light through the window is the moon hunting.

‘The light through the window is the moon’ is a plain statement of the obvious, but add that special word and the line lights up. In it, and elsewhere in the poem, you capture a mood – the poet is half alone in a very atmospheric place, he is open to every sensual impression, and fetches words seemingly out of nowhere. ‘your voice returning naked’ and ‘crickets folded into the wall’ are two other very good examples.

Just two questions. I’m not quite sure what you mean by television being ‘a game of blind man’s bluff’. I may be missing the obvious. And ‘feathery sun’ is another of those words plucked out of nowhere, but how can the sun be feathery? The poem is full of surprising words that work very well, but this one seems a little far-fetched.

James.
 

ronaldanne at 16:32 on 09 August 2017  Report this post
Hello James,
Thank you for the reading and kind comments. 

I will try to answer your questions about the two images.
With the television image I am thinking about hearing it from a distance in a different room. Sometimes the words are clear enough to know what is on the telly but when they are not you are left trying to guess what you are hearing as in the game when one is blindfolded and can't see where the others are in the room. This long explanation may be a sign the image is too obscure.
The feathery sun is what I think of when the sunlight is filtered through a field of wheat at sunrise or sunset.

Thanks so much James. I know there is quite a time crunch due to activity in the group.

~Ron

James Graham at 20:14 on 09 August 2017  Report this post
If you come back to a poem, or a line like the first one here, it’s surprising how it falls into place. Even without your explanation I could see ‘blind man’s buff’ as referring to a TV with the volume turned low, hardly audible, but anyway the poet isn’t interested in whatever’s on. The rest of his surroundings are much more fertile. If the TV’s in another room, of course that makes sense too. No problem with that.

‘Feathery sun’  - I wonder how I didn’t get it at first. I have trees in my garden, one or two quite close to the house, and often enough when there’s a breeze the nodding leaves make the sun feathery. As it would be, seen through wheat at sunset.

James.
 


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