|
|
 |
Night Ends Too Fast
Posted: 05 August 2017
Word Count: 160
Summary: In response to Jane’s observation that I should write ‘moody’ and ‘serious’ more often, here is an oldie written several years ago before cynicism set in!
|
Font Size
|
|
Let me lie with you, and please let me stay
in the warmth of your arms, till the break of the day.
Let us spin dreams till the sun melts the dark -
fantasies shared in the depths of our hearts.
Dawn comes too quickly and night ends too fast,
the pleasures of twilight were not meant to last.
So, let me lie with you and give while I can -
let me try to express what I don’t understand.
We’re two individuals joined at the soul,
though my knowing of you makes my being seem whole.
That’s why when I’m with you I hope that I show
that I’d happily give all that’s mine to bestow.
So, let me lie with you, and please let me stay
in the warmth of your arms till the breaking of day.
The pleasures of twilight were not meant to last -
the dawn comes too quick and the night ends too fast.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 ronaldanne at 14:48 on 05 August 2017
 Report this post
|
Hello Mickey,
Well sir, I believe moody and serious fit you quite nicely. Although as a fellow traveler I believe cynicism has its place also.
Your poem puts me in mind of a song by the Dixie Chicks, Lullaby. It too is moody and serious and really quite sensuous. I am fond of repetition in poems and I like what you have done with it in Night Ends Too Fast. The repetition of the first two lines works nicely in the final stanza,
Let me lie with you, and please let me stay
in the warmth of your arms, till the break of the day.
though I notice you change the word "break" to "breaking". I like the change and that you have done so without sacrificing the rhythm. It looks like you do the same thing with the 5th and last lines as well. I don't have a clear explanation for why I like this but perhaps it is just a feeling that you, the poet, has done something subtle and I, the reader, am able to recognize and in a way share it with you, share the delight in playing with words.
I am incapable of writing love poems and decent rhymes so I admire your skills in those areas. I enjoyed reading Night Ends Too Fast and look forward to reading more of your work.
~Ron
| |
 Cliff Hanger at 16:52 on 05 August 2017
Report this post
|
Hi Mike
This is very open and honest. I like it when you write vulnerable. I don't mean soft but maybe the true you? As for cynicism, I have plenty of reason for that but as I'm lazy find it takes less energy to be optimistic.  Most of the time.
Another lovely piece that sounds like it could almost be song lyrics.
Jane
| |
 Mickey at 19:53 on 05 August 2017
Report this post
|
Hi Ron
Thank you for reading my piece and for your kind comments. The repetition was of course intentional and the slight re-arrangement and transposition of lines 5 and 6 made to avoid a straight re-statement.
Jane
Thank you too for your assessment. I couldn't wish for a nicer comment than 'another lovely piece'. Most of my love poems are written from the position of vulnerability!
| |
 joanie at 22:40 on 05 August 2017
Report this post
|
Hi Mike. I do think that poetry works in so many different ways: rhyming, fun verses which amuse and delight, strict form in which the technical skill of the writer impresses, 'intellectual' (for want of a better word!) poetry, which serves to tax the brain of the reader, beautiful poetry, which is just gorgeous to read aloud, poetry which strikes a chord for whatever reason and often reduces us to tears.......
This poem is one which would win the heart of a prospective lover! Just imagine learning the words of this poem and reciting it with feeling to a loved one! Better than roses or champagne!
For or the last line, I think 'the dawn comes too quickly - the night ends too fast.' would be better.
..... and I always think that you can get away with much more if it rhymes!!
Keep at it! I love rhyme!
Joan
| |
|
|
Mickey at 11:00 on 06 August 2017
Report this post
|
Thanks for reading Joanie. I've been considering your suggested change to the last line, but I stll prefer 'quick' to 'quickly' because I feel it has more of an abruptness to it. Certainly cheaper than roses or champagne - what a bunch of cheapskates we romantics are!
| |
 James Graham at 15:29 on 06 August 2017
Report this post
|
Mike, I've been reading some of your comments elsewhere and I think it's high time you stopped telling us you're not much of a poet, that you're 'shallow' etc.  This poem is much more than just versifying. I'll expand on this as soon as you get to the head of the queue!
James.
|
|
| |
James Graham at 19:32 on 07 August 2017
Report this post
|
Hi Mike – I can only echo the compliments you’ve already been paid. This is a very accomplished, and very appealing, love poem. I enjoy the rhythm and smooth flow of the verse – they say the course of true love never runs smooth, but a love poem should, because it captures that magic time when love is blossoming and all seems well with the world.
I wouldn’t say there are any weak lines in the poem, and there are some that are quite profound. I like ‘Till the sun melts the dark’, and even better:
let me try to express what I don’t understand.
It’s just so true! Love is irrational, we can’t understand it on that level – but we certainly can express it. You come close to a universal truth in this line.
I won’t spoil this one by trying to analyse it, but just say it’s a true description of the feeling one can have, very deep down:
We’re two individuals joined at the soul
The only two-bit suggestion I have is that in the last line you could have ‘the dawn comes too soon…’ To me that sounds more natural, and it fits with your intention of near-repetition with variation, similar to ‘break of the day’/ ‘breaking of day’.
Delightful poem.
James.
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
Comments by other Members
