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The Darker Half

by Chestersmummy 

Posted: 17 July 2017
Word Count: 2541
Summary: This is Chaps 1/2 of my novel. Chap 1 is told from the POV of Alec - the boy twin and Chap 2 is from the POV of Anna the girl twin. They are both about 11 at this stage.


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ONE
            He lay on his back in front of the fire.     His skin was burning but he couldn’t be bothered to move.    Slowly, his lids closed and he began to drift.  He could hear the background mumbling chant of his mother droning on and on… ’natter, natter, natter’, he thought but for a change, she wasn’t irritating him.   Nothing could stop his slow slide into sleep and even as the thought surfaced it was snuffed out as he closed his eyes.   His lips parted and his breathing deepened as gradually he was transported into a technicolour dream world of high actinic intensity and with an unconscious sigh of relief, he slipped into his favourite fantasy.   
            Mouth open, sweat streaming down his face, his muscular body pounded down the track and his tanned legs flew towards the finishing line - a narrow strip of luminous white stretching across a backdrop of brilliant green grass.   Beyond the tape, a blur of pastel coloured shapes leapt in the air.
            ‘Alec…Alec…Alec….’ As he drew nearer, the surflike roar of the crowd deepened and screwing up his eyes into a squint, he caught a glimpse of his friends pogo-ing with excitement.   As quick as a blink of an eyelid, he turned his head and saw his rival, scarlet faced and desperate, a hair’s width behind him.   ‘No chance’, Alec thought exultantly and lengthened his stride.  The tape broke against his chest and the crowd surged towards him, slapping his back and deafening him with congratulations.
            A shutter click later and he was slicing through the pool, drops of glittering water spraying from his cartwheeling arms.   ‘One lap to go, one lap to go’, one lap to go, the mantra ran through his head as he forced himself on.  Adrenaline coursed through his veins and he could almost feel the weight of the heavy gold cup as he raised it above his head in a salute to the crowd.
            Out of the blue, a heavy hand shook his shoulder and in slow motion his dream first shimmered then disappeared.
            ‘Wake up, son.  Yer too near the fire.  Yer clothes are scorching.  I can smell ‘em.’
            Alec opened his eyes to see his mother’s fleshy face looming above him.  For a moment he lay motionless, relishing a tidal surge of white-hot hate.
             Then, rolling over, he first levered himself to a kneeling position then brought his good leg up and grasped the side of a chair, straightening his body until he was on his feet.   Clumsily, feeling grotesque and ugly, he hauled himself, crablike, towards the window seat.
            He took a moment to gather himself and then his eyes flicked to the clock.   Almost four-thirty.  Anna was late.   She must have another detention.   She’d had a lot of those recently.   He smirked and wriggled with glee as his imagination flared.
            ‘Anna.’
            His sister would have looked up to see her teacher’s crooked finger beckoning her forward.   Miss Tutt’s face was expressionless but there were deep grooves running from nose to chin and her eyes were cold.
            ‘What’s happened here Anna?  How am I supposed to mark this?’  She slapped her hand against the open copybook and Anna had gasped.    The page was a ruined mess.    Anna’s essay, which she’d toiled over for hours, was almost totally illegible the ink smeared and blotched as if it’d been dunked in water and smeared dry with a towel.
            ‘Anybody can have an accident, Anna.   But you can’t turn in work like this.   Can you give me a good reason why you didn’t re-write it?’   
Moments passed and Miss Tutt’s face hardened.
            I’m waiting, Anna.’
            Alec imagined his sister’s mouth opening and closing as if she was a fish and sniggered soundlessly.  
            Anna was so careless.   Her reputation had followed her from primary school. There were all the times she was late for school because of missing plimsolls, library books, pencil cases all of which she swore she’d packed in her schoolbag the night before.    
            ‘But, I did Mum, honest.’   The sound of her whiny, tear clotted voice had always made him feel sick and even the memory turned his stomach.
            Best of all, had been the money.   His face brightened as he thought about it.   Somehow, she’d managed to lose the cash for her longed-for school trip.  Mum and Dad had saved up hard for that.   Even Dad had been angry with her that day. 
              His eyes lit on something and he held his breath, a small figure was turning the corner heading towards the house.   He watched as it drooped along, shoulders slumped, feet dragging as if regretting every step.   He glanced towards his mother, her mouth was still moving as it had been for the last hour and a half.  She hadn’t even noticed the time.   He leant forward and rapped, three times, on the window with his knuckles the sounds echoed like pistol shots, through the fug of the room.
            The hairdresser started and dropped a perm curler.   His mother slopped tea in her saucer.
            ‘Here she is, Mum.   It’s Anna.   She’s so late.  I was scared in case she’d had an accident.’
            His mother’s head, covered in marching lines of pink and blue plastic, turned towards the window and then swivelled towards the clock.   Her lips disappeared.
               ‘That young madam had better have a good explanation.’ she muttered as she levered herself out of her chair.
 
TWO
            The leather satchel cut into her shoulder and she paused for a moment to run her finger under the strap, trying to lighten her load but it was so heavy a few steps later she had to stop again.   There was extra homework that night, part of her punishment and extra homework meant extra books.  Her eyes started to fill and she blinked rapidly determined not to cry again.   If she went home looking like a pink eyed rabbit there’d be no sympathy, just more questions.   She licked a finger and rubbed it around her face trying to erase any trace of tears and took a deep and shaky breath.
In a determined effort not to think, she looked upwards, past the chimney pots with their plumes of smoke coiling into the air.   She was searching for Venus the first star of the evening and at last she saw it, a tiny speck glittering in the sky.   Hurriedly, she made a wish before any others appeared.   ‘Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight.  I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I make tonight’.   Then, closing her eyes and pursing her lips she blew her prayer heavenwards despite knowing that it wouldn’t be answered.   How could it be when the person it was aimed at died two years ago?
She took a deep and shaky breath.   To calm herself, she lowered her head and looked around but the houses with their trim front gardens shimmered as her teeth chewed at her bottom lip.  
            ‘Oh Gran…’ and then she just couldn’t help herself.   Sobbing helplessly, she slumped against a nearby wall and pressed her face against the cold brick that drained all warmth from her body.   She remembered the very last time she’d seen her gran.   She’d crept into the ward and she’d been lying in bed, her face almost as white as the starched linen, her hair spread about her head in a delicate explosion of thistledown.     Suddenly, her eyes had opened and found Anna.   The faintest hint of rose had coloured her cheeks and her lips parted in a shadow of her familiar smile.
            ‘My bird…’ was all she said and Anna had flown into her arms.
            Afterwards she’d pulled away and looked at her.   Gran’s flushed cheeks had made her eyes sparkle even, and Anna was sure she hadn’t imagined it, the one made of glass.  Long ago, her gran had told her how she’d lost her eye.  
            ‘In those days, my love, we wore leather boots in the winter.  They reached to well above our ankles and were tightly laced all the way up.   It always used to take ages to undo the laces and one day they got into a knot.  Try as I might, I couldn’t unpick the blessed thing, so I went and got a fork from the kitchen.   The next thing I knew was my mother screaming and passing out and me sitting there with a fork sticking out of my eye.   They tried to save it, but there weren’t any penicillin in those days.  It got infected so, in the end, they had to take it out…’  
            Ever since then her gran had one eye brown and the other hazel but Anna still thought she was beautiful and she’d never looked more so than on that day.
            ‘Oh Gran, you do look pretty,’ she’d said.
            Fascinated, she’d watched the wrinkles melt and caught a glimpse of Gran as a young girl.
            A week later she’d opened the front door to her mother who’d come clumping down the path, her legs moving slowly like a toy that needed winding.  
            ‘Yer Gran’s dead’.   Her face expressionless, she’d pushed past Anna, dumped her bags in the kitchen and heaved herself upstairs.
            Anna hadn’t been allowed to go to the funeral.  Instead she’d sat through a geography double period listening to the dry rasp of Mr Wilkinson’s voice as he recited something about the Continental drift.   To this day, the only thing that she remembers of that lesson is the hollow thud of soil landing on wood.
            With a determined effort Anna pushed away the wall and started to walk.   The paving slabs were a maze of cracks and she remembered happier days when she was little and Dad used to take her to the sweetie shop at the end of the road for her weekly treat.
            ‘Remember, you turn into a toad if you step on crack…’  Together, they’d hopped diagonally from square to square all the way down the road.   She blinked and a ghost of a watery smile appeared.     At least, she still had Dad.   He’d never let anything bad happen to her.   
            As she walked up the path, the front door opened and her mother appeared.  Without saying a word she folded her arms across her chest and a slab of mottled flesh formed a barrier between them.
            ‘So, what’s yer excuse this time?  No, don’t tell me.   You got kept in again, didn’t yer?’
            Anna felt her face stiffen as she locked eyes with her mother.  With the slightest movement of her head, she nodded.
            ‘Well, it’s just not good enough my girl.   What was it this time….gabbing in class was yer?’
            ‘No.’
            ‘Then what?  
            Anna shrugged.  
            ‘Don’t look at me like that, you sulky little madam.   You, my girl, are going to have to pull yer socks up.   I don’t know what yer Dad is going to say.’
            Her mother sighed heavily obviously already losing interest.  She put her hand up and patted her curlers.
            ‘Well, I can’t waste any more time now.  This neutraliser needs to come off otherwise me perm’ll be ruined.   But, don’t think you’ve heard the last of this.  I’ll ‘ave a word with yer Dad later.  Now come on, get inside and be nice to your brother.  E’s been worried sick about yer.’
            Anna doubted that but obediently followed her mother’s broad bulk into the house.
As Anna walked into the living room the smell of ammonia made her eyes water.  She blinked and rubbed them thinking if anyone noticed they were bloodshot, at least she’d have a good excuse.   She shot a quick look at her brother who sat with the coiled stillness of something venomous about to strike.   His eyes smouldered as they met hers.   No, he didn’t look worried, she thought.   Not one bit.  He looked wired.  His skin, always sallow, had a dusky quality as if blood was storming through his veins and his body was tense.   She thought that if she dared reach out and touch him she’d get an electric shock.    
            Suddenly she felt sick as she realised why he was so agitated.   He’d been listening to the story again.   She gritted her teeth until her jaw ached, then opened her eyes and looked around the room.  The dull beige wallpaper with its vertical pattern of identical roses, the veneered teak coffee table, the maroon uncut moquet sofa, all reminded her of other afternoons just like this.  The only thing that was new was the hairdresser, testing the curl in her mother’s hair by bouncing it on her palm.   Anna had never seen her before.  Usually it was Mavis, a stocky, no-nonsense Brummie, who Anna quite liked, chiefly because her flat, adenoidal voice steamrollered over her mother’s.   Ever since she was little, Mavis had done her mother’s hair.   She remembered crayoning on the kitchen table when her feet couldn’t reach the floor, listening to Mavis in full flow, her flat vowels as familiar as the wallpaper.  She was a part of her childhood.   That was a long time ago though.  Perhaps she had retired.   This girl was much younger with pale china blue eyes, slightly milky as if covered by an invisible filter and Anna realised that she’d switched off and the monotonous chant of her mother’s voice was falling on deaf ears.   As the hairdresser’s slim fingers deftly unclipped another roller and tossed it into a container to join the others, plastic meeting plastic with a dull clatter. Anna wondered at what point the hairdresser’s sleepy eyes had sharpened as her mother, not wanting to waste the opportunity of a new audience, started on the story.
            ‘Course,’ she would have said, ‘my Alec over there is a twin.   His sister’s still at school.   She’ll be home soon.’
‘Oh!  You’ve got twins.  How lovely.   That’s what I always say to my boyfriend.   If we’re gonna have kids, I want twins.   Get it all over and done with in one go.’
            ‘Yeah.  Well, be careful what you wish for.    I had no idea.  Everyone just assumed I was just having the one, even the doctors.   It was a shock to everyone when ‘e appeared.’   Anna imagined the sideways gesture of the head towards Alec.      
            ‘Just as I was about to have a cup of tea and the midwife was packing up, I felt a God Almighty pain down there and the next minute another brat had popped out.    Mind you, nobody thought e’d survive.   As thin and shrivelled as a skinned rabbit ‘e was.   Turns out me girl had been taking all the nourishment, she’d grown big and he was left with ‘ardly anything.   Somehow, he’d got squashed underneath her.  That’s why they didn’t notice ‘im and that’s why ‘e is like ‘e is.   Poor little bugger.’
            It would have been then that Alex would have been caught under the spotlight of the hairdresser’s stare and despite everything, Anna felt a twinge of compassion for him as she imagined the girl taking in his withered leg and hunched body.  
            Anna didn’t dare look at her brother.   She knew what he was thinking.    ‘But it wasn’t my fault’ she pleaded soundlessly, well knowing that no one could hear her.  ‘ It really wasn’t.’
 






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Comments by other Members



judie at 06:58 on 22 July 2017  Report this post
 
Hi Janet,
Well, this certainly seems to be living up to its title! I’m left feeling it is all very dark indeed. It’s intriguing as the hatred between the twins feels so palpable, and I’m keen to know why it has evolved. The birth story is clearly the start, but the fact that it has lasted is unsettling.
The characters are drawn very well. I feel I can begin to know the two MCs , but I wonder if the mother is just too negative. She seems to hate them both. Her language is very critical and nasty.
You have woven in backstory really well, and given the reader several scenarios to explain the main characters – Alec’s dreams, the grandmother etc.
You have some wonderful phrases and imagery in this piece, and as in your prologue you make great use of all the senses. I especially liked the following phrases:

Her lips disappeared

Without saying a word she folded her arms across her chest and a slab of mottled flesh formed a barrier between them.

I did also felt, however, that some of your imagery etc was kind of a bit clichéd, such as:

Out of the blue, a heavy hand shook his shoulder and in slow motion his dream first shimmered then disappeared.

Alec imagined his sister’s mouth opening and closing as if she was a fish and sniggered soundlessly.  

As thin and shrivelled as a skinned rabbit ‘e was.  

Some nitpicking:
I don’t really like having to look up the meaning of a word in a novel, I don’t want to break the flow, and I have no idea what actinic means. This sentence also feels a bit clichéd.

His lips parted and his breathing deepened as gradually he was transported into a technicolour dream world of high actinic intensity and with an unconscious sigh of relief, he slipped into his favourite fantasy.   

If she wasn’t at the funeral how would she remember the following?

   To this day, the only thing that she remembers of that lesson is the hollow thud of soil landing on wood.

The next bit seems tautologous.

  ‘But it wasn’t my fault’ she pleaded soundlessly, well knowing that no one could hear her. 

Overall you have painted an intriguing scene, leaving the reader keen to know more. I must admit though, that I am disturbed by the level of hatred between the characters and the despair experienced by Anna. I suppose it is central to your plot, and it seems the father must be a more pleasant character than the mother. I guess it is believable that Alec would blame and resent his twin sister for his condition to some extent, but it seems just too strong.
I’m wondering when the story is set. The wallpaper and the hair curlers suggest maybe the sixties?  It might be good to have some more hints in there about that. I suppose that might explain why Alec didn’t attend school, although even then I would have thought he would be able to attend somewhere, if his disability is only physical.
As I have already said, you are posing lots of questions to keep the reader guessing, and reading on! Look forward to reading more.
Maybe I should plead, like Dickens’ readers did when they begged him to not let Little Nell die, to give the mother and Alec some redeeming qualities.
Cheers Judie
 

Chestersmummy at 17:09 on 22 July 2017  Report this post
Hi Judie,

Many, many thanks for taking the time to read this excerpt.  I have noted your comments and taken them on board.  I suppose Alec is a very black character and I'm afraid he gets blacker!   I think I had in mind that he was one of those children who are just born bad - I think there are some in real life, just think of some child murderers for instance.  

The mother is rather a stupid and lazy character but she does show some affection towards Alec - he is her favourite and later in the novel she shows it quite clearly.   I think this is due partly to guilt that he was born disabled.  The father is basically a good man who, at some level, realises how spiteful Alec is towards Anna and does his best to protect her.  However, he leaves most of the running of the house to his wife.  Anna is very fond of him and regards him as her 'safe haven'.

High actinic intensity relates to the extreme clarity of light that you sometimes get, most often in the evenings.  I actually like coming across new words in novels - I think it's one of the way one learns but, of course, it's not to everyone's taste. 

Anna was not allowed to attend the funeral but in her imagination she was there.

I will change some of the phrases that were a bit cliched.  However, in dialogue I think cliches are allowed because it's the way people talk.

I had in mind the late fifties/early sixties as the setting in the first part of the novel so I hope I can make it sound true.

Again, many thanks for your take on the novel.  I was a bit nervous about it because I think these two chapters were the most difficult.

Best wishes

michwo at 22:39 on 22 July 2017  Report this post
Janet,
Picking up on what Judie has to say, I think you could miss this sentence out:
To this day, the only thing that she remembers of that lesson is the hollow thud of soil landing on wood.
Was Starlight, Starbright a hit for Linda Scott in the 1960s?  I've just looked her up on Wikipedia and she was American unlike Susan Maugham and Helen Shapiro who were also round about that time.
On a personal note my membership of WW will expire on 7 August and, without a word of a lie, the high spot as far as the handful of stories I managed to submit, was your comment on "The Owl" on 10 March:  I've never heard of Friedrich Glauser, but he certainly knew how to write...  All in all, I thought this was a perfect short story.  You're good at storytelling, Janet.  I'm reliant on other people telling them.  But if you want to read some more Glauser stories in English, I could certainly send you some - either to you directly or to someone who could receive them on your behalf and pass them on to you.  What do you think?  Am I being cheeky?  It's just that I've been in the habit for a number of years now of making ringbound files of my various translations and sticking a picture on the front in keeping with the written contents.  So for Glauser's tales of the Foreign Legion I could stick a picture of a mountain in Algeria or Morocco on the front cover with North African horsemen to give you a flavour of what to expect..  Actually these "Legionary Tales" are quite short in comparison to "The Owl" and every bit  as readable.  Are you interested?  If you are perhaps you could send me an email prior to August 7th.  I'll be visiting someone down in Southampton next week, from 24 to 28 July., and won't have access to the internet till I come back on Friday, 28/7/2017.  (I haven't actually translated these stories yet, but still feel capable of doing so!)

Chestersmummy at 11:58 on 23 July 2017  Report this post
Hi Michwo

Thanks for reading  my piece.  Really don't know the origin of 'Starlight Starbright'.  I suppose I should research it, if I am going to use it in the novel.   I am a bit wary though because somebody in my last writing group said that I could be sued if I did (because of something to do with copyright).  Hope they were talking nonsense!
 
Do hope you will renew your membership - will miss your pieces if you don't and certainly the poetry section will!  Would love to receive the translations and will willingly send you my email address.

It is janetbaldey44@gmail.com.

Hope you enjoy your holiday.  I am myself going to Jersey from the 25th July to 1st August so hope to hear something from you after then.

Best wishes

 

JacquiM at 16:56 on 29 July 2017  Report this post
Hi, I really like your writing. I found it very easy to read and am keen to know how the plot will progress. The characters are very believable. The reader can easily empathise with Anna and the brother's malice is quite despicable. I'd like to know the mother's back story. Why is she unfeeling towards her daughter? Is the Gran who died her mother's mother in which case if she's so nice why is her mother not more loving? I haven't read chapter one so it would be good to know a bit more about the storyline in the summary.

My nit picking:-

Alec imagined his sister’s mouth opening and closing as if she was a fish and sniggered soundlessly.

I'm not sure how you snigger soundlessly? If you can, then I think it would read better if you said -  Alec sniggered soundlessly as he imagined...

she took a deep and shaky breath. 

You have this twice in close succession. Perhaps the first instance could be just 'a deep breath.'

How could it be when the person it was aimed at died two years ago?

I was thinking she was wishing to her Grandmother in heaven so I found it confusing when she said it couldn't come true. Perhaps a little more clarity on her wish?

Anna wondered at what point the hairdresser’s sleepy eyes had sharpened as her mother, not wanting to waste the opportunity of a new audience, started on the story.

I found this a bit clumsy. Perhaps simplify slightly -  Anna could imagine the hairdresser's eyes sharpening as her mother, not wanting to waste the opportunity of a new audience, would have told her the story...

I also agree with Judie's nit picking above re - actinic, soil thudding and pleading soundlessly. Otherwise there's some great description in there which really makes the reader feel close to the action. Looking forward to Chapter 3.

Jacqui

Chestersmummy at 13:46 on 02 August 2017  Report this post
Dear Jacqui

Many thanks for reading my work and I am glad that, on the whole you enjoyed it.   On reading both yours and Judie's comments, it seems that I've got too many 'soundlessly's' in the novel and will have to watch that.   Thank you.   Also 'the deep and shaky breaths' - had not realised I'd used them twice so will cut one out.

Anna didn't say what she'd wished.  I sort of hoped the reader would realise what it was (she wished her Gran had not died) and I maybe will have to clarify it.   Also, I will work on the sentence you found clumsy.

This story is told from the POV of three characters, Anna Alec and a retired detective.   I hope I have managed to differentiate them but to make things a bit clearer I have decided to give the chapters their characters names.

Best wishes

Janet

NGwriter at 09:29 on 16 August 2017  Report this post
 
Hi Janet,
This is a very well-written story, and I am intrigued to see where it will lead. Who is the target audience?

I have a few nit-picking points which I have listed below, but please feel free to ignore them. Some are just personal taste.

ONE:
para 1 – repetition of the word ‘thought’
Para 3 – hyphen missing between scarlet and faced
Para 5 – I don’t think you need to tell the reader he is ‘feeling grotesque and ugly.’ I picked this up from the fact his fantasy was about being athletic and attractive. Perhaps you could mention the withered leg here though, as this is something I didn’t know he had until the end.
Para 6 (I think) – (the imagined detention scene) You change tenses as you write this scene. I’m going to get this wrong (I can never remember what each are called) but I think you use the perfect continuous past (as in ‘would have’) at times and immediate past tense at others (‘Miss Tutt’s face hardened’)
Para 7 – missing hyphen in ‘tear-clotted’

TWO:
‘Plumes of smoke’ – what year is this set? If it’s set nowadays, do you still see chimneys with smoke coming out in winter these days, when everyone has central heating…
What’s a ‘delicate explosion’? Bit of an oxymoron
Presumably ‘my bird’ is a nickname, but it is confusing when followed with ‘Anna had flown into her arms’ as it makes Anna actually sound like a bird.
Overall, I really enjoyed it and will definitely read the next installments.
Natalia

Chestersmummy at 13:38 on 16 August 2017  Report this post
Hi Natalia

Many thanks for reading this excerpt.  Will definitely have a good look at my grammar and especially the tense as this is not a strong point of mine.  It is especially difficult as I am attempting to write the novel from the point of view of three people. - Anna, Alec and a detective.  The timeframe skips between the 1960's and the present time and the past is written in the past tense and the present tense is written in the present tense so I am bound to get it wrong from time to time!

I quite like 'delicate explosion' it reminds me of thistledown but maybe I will change 'Anna had flown  into her arms' and will try and make Alec's condition less obvious but the trouble is many people are not so quick at picking things up as you appear to be.  

My target audience, I suppose, is anyone who likes a good read and is interested in family relationships.

Best wishes and thanks again,

Janet

Catkin at 14:26 on 01 September 2017  Report this post
You have done a very good job of setting out the situation and introducing the characters quickly and effectively. 

There are some pleasing descriptions, and I think you have chosen the right things to focus on in order to create a sense of place and atmosphere. I particularly liked the sight of the evening star. You could add a few more details like the plastic curlers and the wallpaper if you wished. It’s very good that you have involved all the senses, with the heat of the fire and the smell of the chemicals.

Actually, I think you have done almost too well with getting into the story speedily, and you could afford to take it a little more slowly. The information about Gran, and Anna’s grief at her death is all fine, but I wonder if it’s in the right place? Coming here, directly following Alec’s extreme and disturbing hatred, it does give a rather melodramatic feel: it’s almost too much misery all at once. It might work better just to have her unhappy that things have gone wrong at school through no fault of her own yet again, and to introduce Gran a little later in the story. I didn’t really buy her collapsing against a wall on the walk home from school a whole two years after the death. She could cry like this about her gran, but I think after all that time it would take some trigger to make that happen in public, out of doors. It would seem more natural if she cried when she was truly alone, in bed or something.

I’m not sure about “burning” for his skin. I think you need a less extreme word.

actinic ... personally, I love coming across new words in fiction, but this particular one seems to have a primary meaning which is very technical, so I’m not convinced that it’s appropriate here - I think it’s too specialist.

You say Alec can’t stop himself from falling asleep, but then he slips into a “fantasy”. Is he dreaming, or is it in fact a fantasy?

     

For a moment he lay motionless, relishing a tidal surge of white-hot hate.

- I would have liked to know why he feels this hatred. Is it because he just habitually hates him mother sometimes, or is it because she has pulled him out of his fantasy?

           

She slapped her hand against the open copybook and Anna had gasped.

- I think you need to keep with “would have” for a little bit longer, as this is Alec’s imagined version of the scene. It’s too much of jolt to go into simple past tense so quickly.
 

 Anna’s essay, which she’d toiled over for hours, was almost totally illegible the ink smeared and blotched as if it’d been dunked in water and smeared dry with a towel.

- so Alec has deliberately ruined his sister’s work? I think you should make that explicit. Reading it all twice it’s pretty obvious that he does all these awful things, but it wasn’t immediately clear on a first reading. Make this first one explicit, and there won’t be any doubt about the others.

          

Alec imagined his sister’s mouth opening and closing as if she was a fish and sniggered soundlessly /she pleaded soundlessly

- you need ‘were’, not ‘was (because it is impossible that she is a fish, and strictly you need ‘were’ for everything that’s impossible), and I agree that you can’t really have a soundless snigger. I think you could get away with sniggering and pleading ‘mentally’, though.

 

The hairdresser started and dropped a perm curler.   His mother slopped tea in her saucer.

- I think it would help to introduce the hairdresser earlier, as she seems to pop up out of nowhere and it’s rather disconcerting. Have her there as soon as the scene starts, because at the moment it reads as if Alec is alone in the room, and then his mother comes in and finds him smouldering.
 


The leather satchel cut into her shoulder

- it’s the strap that’s cutting in, not the satchel itself
 

but it was so heavy a few steps later

- but it was so heavy that a few steps later



There was extra homework that night, part of her punishment and extra homework meant extra books

- I’d add a comma after “punishment”. Also, I think it would sound better as: There was extra homework that night; it was part of her punishment, and extra ...
 

Her eyes started to fill and she blinked rapidly determined

- and I’d add a comma after “rapidly”

You might not want to say at this stage in the story, but I really wanted to know if Anna realises that it is Alec doing all these dreadful things to her. Does she fully realise that all her disasters are not her fault, or has he succeeded in gaslighting her, so she believes that she is clumsy and always losing things? It’s clear that she does at least realise that he dislikes her.

like a pink eyed rabbit

- I’d put a hyphen in there: pink-eyed
 

‘Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight.  I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I make tonight’

- I looked this up, and it seems to be an old rhyme that’s out of copyright, so my guess is that you would be OK to use it.

I like the delicate explosion. I’d keep it! I like the “my bird/flown” too - can’t see a problem with it. It’s totally obvious that Anna isn’t a bird, and it’s rather nice that the “flown” mirrors the endearment.

I don’t understand how Gran managed to stick a fork into her own eye. I’m not convinced!
 


To this day, the only thing that she remembers of that lesson is the hollow thud of soil landing on wood

- “the imagined sound of soil ...” ? I know exactly what you mean, but I think you do need to say that it is in her imagination.
 


With a determined effort Anna pushed away the wall

- this makes it sound as if the wall moves. It’s really that she pushes herself away from the wall.
 

He looked wired

- was “wired” used in this sense in the 50s/60s? I don’t know; I’m just asking. It sounds possibly too modern to me.
 

He’d been listening to the story again

- I had no idea what this meant until the second reading. I think you ought to show the mother saying something first, and then have Anna realise why he’s agitated. Also, how about calling it The Story, with capitals? That would make it immediately clear that it is highly significant.
 

moquet sofa

- moquette
 

That was a long time ago though


- so if it was a long time ago, how had her mother been getting her hair done since she left?


The mother seems really brutal, but I don’t at this stage see her as necessarily a bad person, just someone who has no idea of the emotional damage she’s doing with her ‘story’ and her total lack of sympathy for Anna. She reminded me very much of the neglectful, unsympathetic mother in A Kestrel for Knave (Kes).

Alec is a very disturbing character - which is a good thing, of course. I think he’s going to turn out to be a monster - a murderer, perhaps. I certainly want to know where the story will go, and I get a strong sense that it will indeed be somewhere very dark.

Chestersmummy at 16:49 on 02 September 2017  Report this post
Hi Catkin,

Many thanks for your in-depth critique.  I think I have said before that I wished I had your gift.  I will go through my piece again and certainly take on board your comments.  Isn't it funny though, when you introduce something that is true into your writing you get called out for it?   It happened to me when I commented on a story a friend had written when a duck had purportedly landed on a car that was being driven along a country lane.  Afterwards, the author came back to me and said it had actually happened to her.  In the same way, my Gran only had one  eye - the other being glass - and she had lost it in exactly the same way that I described!  Truly, truth is stranger than fiction.

Again, many thanks for taking the time and trouble to critique my piece.

Janet

 

JacquiM at 09:59 on 03 September 2017  Report this post
I think when something unusual happens, like sticking a fork in your own eye, then it probably needs more explanation. In some ways it's a story in itself and leaves the reader wondering how it happened. So then you have to ask - do I want my reader being sidetracked at this point by this storyline? Does it add to the story I'm telling? I stuck a needle in my eye when I was little by the way so I believe you.

Jacqui

Catkin at 11:16 on 03 September 2017  Report this post
You're welcome, Janet.

When I came back here this just now, I had another thought about your chapter. I realised why it is that I really like the bird/flown combination: it's because the use of "flown" proves the grandmother's love for Anna. She calls Anna a bird as an endearment, and Anna then flies, in a way confirming that she is a bird. Because it is "true" in a physical sense, it is also true in an emotional sense. It's moving, and I would definitely keep it.

Yes, truth is certainly stranger than fiction. This comes up again and again. If you are using an unlikely incident from real life, you just need to explain it fully, so it becomes believable. I think the problem sometimes arises because the writer knows that the incident is from real life, and so doesn't explain as fully as he or she would do when writing a fictional incident.

 

Catkin at 11:17 on 03 September 2017  Report this post
here ... this - oh, I wish the edit worked!

Chestersmummy at 12:36 on 03 September 2017  Report this post
Hi Jacqui and Catkin,
Yes - on thinking about it, I definitely agree with your points about true-life incidents needing to be fully explained.  Will have to try and change it somewhat because I think I want to keep this section in as I think it underlines Anna's love for her Gran.  (Hope your eye wasn't damaged too badly Jacqui - your accident sounds terrible!)

Best wishes

Janet
 

JacquiM at 12:44 on 03 September 2017  Report this post
No I was only little and don't remember it at all. It gave my mother a fright though! Someone commented on my work that I was trying to make the opening scenes work too hard and I think they were right. You could probably write a whole scene about her relationship with her gran.


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