Climax
Posted: 30 January 2017
Word Count: 97
Summary: And now for something completely different!
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In that fractured second of ecstacy
when worlds collide and souls combine,
everything you have, and are,
you gave to me
while totally consuming all that is,
and was, and will be mine.
A Holy Trinity of pleasure
no longer two but forged as one.
You and me and us together
our bodies joined in union,
in heights of love we both had climbed
both animal and cerebral,
with flesh exquisitely entwined
and minds joined metaphysical.
In living, loving, poetry
where passion overrides the will
and we had known eternity
that moment when the Earth stood still.
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 19:52 on 31 January 2017
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Mike, in your WW profile you say, ‘I’m not a poet’ and ‘I don’t understand real poetry’. Time to rethink those statements!
This is a very commendable love poem, a lot better than the old-fashioned outpourings that used to praise the beloved’s silken hair, mouth like a rose, and neck more beauteous than a swan’s. This is about sex – not sex without love (a common enough occurrence) but sex with love. In other words (your words), love ‘both animal and cerebral’. It’s what love’s really about. The poem strikes me as very genuine – the kind of thing a sensitive, reflective man would want to say to his wife or partner.
I notice you use rhyme – and half-rhyme – and it works just as well in a serious poem as a comic one. Another item from the poet’s toolkit that you use well is making your last line echo the first. This gives it a sense of finality, a sense that you’re expressing not doubt but conviction.
This is not to say it doesn’t need improvement here and there! When it comes to ideas for revision, sometimes I feel I need to let a poem sink in, read it several times more. So I’ll do that and get back to you. Shouldn’t be anything drastic.
James.
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 Mickey at 11:45 on 01 February 2017
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Hi James
Thank you for your very generous comments. This piece is a conscious effort to write some real ‘grown-up’ stuff and I am really pleased with the result. However, my problem is that I find this kind of soul baring unsettling. I am not a particularly emotional person and therefore marvel at your and other members’ work in which you/they can describe sensory perception of, say, waves breaking, or the natural beauty of a landscape. In this respect, I suppose my work is usually more defensive or cynical.
As you may have noticed, my inspiration comes in short bursts every few months and, having knocked out something, I am always anxious to post it on WW only to find that there are other recent works of far more profound import.
This particular piece, whilst not having been written for my partner, is nevertheless wholly inspired by my relationship with her (I have given her a copy). I am anticipating your criticism of the ‘Earth stood still’ cliché but would pre-empt any such comment by explaining that this poem is intended to be an ‘expansion’ and ‘leading-up’ to that well-worn phrase. It is an eighteen-line attempted description of that split (‘fractured’) second of the big ‘O’ when time is completely overtaken by joy and contentment.
I have said many times before that I consider myself a fraud, and your admiration of my using the last line to echo the first is precisely what I mean. Your praise of my ability is somewhat misplaced as I am completely unaware of such sophistication. I just write what sounds right to me without any pre-planning.
I’m also intrigued, as ever, that you say you ‘notice’ I use rhyme and half rhyme. I think you realise by now that I can’t write anything that doesn’t rhyme. I don’t consider non-rhyme as poetry although I greatly admire the phonetically balanced prose that others can produce. If I try to write blank verse, I find that my mind automatically searches for a rhyming word to finish a line.
Having said all that, my apparent lack of poetic confidence is in no way a display of false modesty as I think that much of my usual comic verse is on a par with many well-known published poets.
Thank you again for your ever welcome and constructive advise.
Mike
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 stormbox at 16:22 on 01 February 2017
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Hi Mike,
I agree with James this is a really good poem and it has a lot more depth and meaning than a run of the mill love poem. It has an honesty and intimacy that sounds very loving and convincing.
From a formal, rhyming poetry point of view, maybe you could consider combining lines 3 to 5 into one (rhyming with ecstacy)? This would reduce the poem to 16 lines with a consistent rhyming pattern: abab cdcd efef ghgh
In that fractured second of ecstacy
when worlds collide and souls combine,
everything you have, and are,
you gave to me
while totally consuming all that is,
and was, and will be mine.
Becomes:
In that fractured second of ecstacy
when worlds collide and souls combine,
everything you have, and are, you gave to me,
consuming all that is, and was, and will be mine.
It's only really losing a couple of words but in my mind it tidies it up a bit and gives the poem a better structure.
Regards,
David
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Mickey at 17:14 on 01 February 2017
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Thank you Dave. I think I agree with your suggested revision. my only reservation is that, when reduced to the sixteen lines as you suggest, the first four look overly long compared to the following twelve - just a purely visual thing you understand. I've tried typing it out in your new format and breaking it up into four separate stanzas but it seems then to lose someting of the intimacy. Not quite sure .....
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stormbox at 18:45 on 01 February 2017
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Hi Mike,
Yes I did notice that but wanted to keep it as close to the original as possible to make the point.
If you split the poem into 16 lines of 4 quatrains (or verses) the last 3 all have 8 feet (or syllables) to them. "A Holy Trinity of pleasure" has 9 but that's just quibbling and it doesn't get in the way of the rhythm. All the other lines have 8 feet - so if you weren't keeping count then it shows that this just comes naturally to you!
If you want to keep the metre the same throughout (and make it rhyme) then you are right, you will need to lose a few syllables here and there, but it might be possible if you can find shorter ways of saying "fractured second" etc. e.g.
In that heartbeat of ecstacy
when worlds collide and souls combine,
all you have, and are, you gave to me,
I counted words and made things rhyme.
That last line might need a bit more work!
You are right though: the rhyme and metre aren't the be all and end all of any poem. There are probably more bad poems that rhyme than good ones! This one already stands out as a good poem without any alterations to it at all. I think it is more important to make it say what you want it to say, and sometimes a rigid structure can get in the way of that. However, if you are going to make three quarters of it fit the structure then it seems a shame if a bit of rejiggling can't make it that bit better.
David
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James Graham at 20:05 on 02 February 2017
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Mike, I’m glad you’re pleased with this poem. It’s one to be proud of. At the same time I can understand what you mean when you say writing serious poems is distressing. I think for most poets the act of writing is generally cathartic – to write a poem on a disturbing subject is a way of bringing clarity and order to it – but I can tell you from experience it doesn’t always work. There are poems you never want to see again because they’re about emotionally bad stuff and reading them again just brings it all back.
As for your use of rhyme and half-rhyme, as I’m sure you know a natural tendency to rhyme – even a compulsion – is no bad thing. I admire anyone who has the gift, because I’m not very good at it. Rhymes don’t come naturally; I need to use a rhyming dictionary all the time. What I noted about this poem is that you put your rhyming instinct to use in a serious poem, and it works. I wonder if all writers of comic verse can do that?
I said I would get back to you on technical stuff. Now I don’t really think it’s necessary. In any case you've had a discussion with David. ‘Earth stood still’ is perfectly fine. (‘The Earth moved’ is the well-worn cliché.) But here’s one point: ‘When worlds collide’ or ‘worlds collide’ is well on its way to being a cliché, if it’s not already qualified as one. It’s a novel, a film, a comic, a Ninja Turtles story, a rock album. There’s nothing wrong with ‘worlds’ – a neat replacement for ‘collide’ would fix it.
With that, I look forward to your next poem – comic or serious.
James.
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Mickey at 11:41 on 03 February 2017
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James/David
Thank you for your further comments James. Just to clarify, I don’t find writing serious poems ‘distressing’. What I meant was, that I find opening up to my ‘feminine side’ (ooh-er!) and expressing deeper feelings a little threatening. I feel a bit self-conscious and embarrassed when I try to capture that side of my personality.
Dave, I’ve been considering your suggested revisions, but have decided that they would change the intended message just for the sake of technical purity (and I’ve already given the original version to its source of inspiration!) Thank you for your ideas though as I can appreciate the technical benefits of the suggested amendments.
Now that I have been emboldened by both your opinions I would just add, James, that (probably completely subconsciously) I think that ‘collide’ is the right word to use in the second line because it is then echoed by ‘combine’. In a strange way, I think that this poem and your responses to it have made me realise that, if there is any technical merit in my pieces, then I perhaps shouldn’t deny it just because it was not planned or realised in advance?
I would have been interested to see an opinion from one of the group’s lady members.
Thank you both again for reading and commenting
Mike
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 Cliff Hanger at 15:36 on 03 February 2017
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Mickey
I wouldn't really describe myself as a 'lady' but I am a woman so I hope my opinion is relevant.  Before I give my reaction to the poem itself, I'd like to pick up on some of the comments in the discussion.
I'm not a particularly emotional person
Hm. Well your poem completely contradicts that. I think you're confusing emotion with slushiness which is false emotion. Your poem is very real and intimate. Interesting also that you attribute emotion to femaleness. I for one would find it difficult to put my most initmate feelings on the page and share it publicly in the way you have done here. After all, some of the most emotional and intimate poetry in our language was written by Shakespeare (maybe its no coincidence that his sexuality is regularly put under scrutiny for it).
I don't consider non-rhyme as poetry
To my mind that's like saying fiction isn't fiction unless it's written in the first person.
David and James have made some great observations about this piece. The only thing that jolts with me is the word
fractured
in the first line. David's suggestions for structural amendment would enhance it, although you seem happy with it how it is so that's fine.
I'm sure your partner was delighted to receive this attestation of real, complex emotion. It is a piece of grown up poetry and admirable for it.
Jane
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