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All Aboard

by rmol1950 

Posted: 23 April 2016
Word Count: 122
Summary: Here is my entry for this weeks challenge. Sorry it is not quite 800 words. I have started writing again after a long time away and look forward to contributing to Flash Fiction again. Richard


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‘Please phone when you arrive. You can reverse the charges.’ My mother tried hard to smile.

‘And don’t forget, you have to change at Crewe. I’ve written it all down for you.’ Dad was repeating himself and I nodded, confidently tapping the breast pocket that contained my travel directions.

Steam and pungent coal smoke from the locomotive swirled around them where they stood, so clean against the grimy platform. The guard’s whistle pierced the clamour of the station, and carriage doors rhythmically slammed shut as he moved along the train.

‘All aboaaaard.’ The harsh voice distorted the words, and in that moment I felt the first flutter of apprehension, and recognised the pain in my mother’s eyes. And began to grow up.






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Comments by other Members



euclid at 12:14 on 23 April 2016  Report this post
Interesting!

The coal smoke from the locomotive sets it in the past, but other than that, it's quite enigmatic.
Is this a he or a she? Where s/he off to?
It's probably a permanent move, not a short trip.

Hmmm

Interesting!

JJ

 

Bazz at 21:53 on 23 April 2016  Report this post
Great piece of flash here, and two journeys for the price of one, physical and emotional. A lot of emotion and feeling captured in a very tight word count. And don't worry about that, any number is fine, so long at it's under the word count.

As JJ says, an enigmatic piece full of emotion and questions, evocative and full of smoke and sound, like a photograph, and a moment that feels personal and real. Love the sudden apprehension and realisation at the end, a well observed piece.

FelixBenson at 11:19 on 24 April 2016  Report this post
Perfect flash - concise and yet with lovely detail in there at that first flutter of apprehension. Very visual - you packed a lot into a short piece.

rmol1950 at 19:00 on 24 April 2016  Report this post
Thank you for all the nice comments. The piece is autobiographical about the day I left home at age16 to join the merchant navy. A very long time ago but I remember it vividly. So do my parents who are both 90 next month.
Richard

Desormais at 19:54 on 24 April 2016  Report this post
I almost wondered whether it might have been the Blitz evacuation.  Very evocative.
Sandra


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