The Penrhos Branch Line
Posted: 20 October 2015 Word Count: 202 Summary: I've always like industrial history and the remains of this rail line passed close to our last house. Not sure if the format of this works though.....
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The cold facts are these: It was built for coal, for iron, from Tynycaeau Junction, North East through Rhydlafer to the Garth Mountain, for the dolomite quarry, through Pentyrch Cutting and Walnut Tree Tunnel, jutting high brick viaduct across the Taff to Penrhos, for ships at Tiger Bay and Barry Dock, for coal, for steam, for iron, for smoke, for rock, for money. It is a stretch of muscle, navvy strength in broken boots, for heat, for food, for want, effort in spades, slab sided and cold cast, rivet and rail, ballast and sleeper, for piston, for steel, for shovel, for the clatter of metal and the steam whistle’s wail. But now the nettles blow in this beautiful decay, sapling growth and brambles slow our way. For us, for tomorrow, silence breeds in great puddles in the trees’ shade. In this short pause in eternity we walk the exposed belly, follow its grain to the end, and back again to the tunnel mouth, muzzled with moss. For dark, for light, for life, for loss, we see only to the bend clotted with weeds, but hear the insects drone, thick as resin, and the sudden rattle of a woodpecker hollowing a nest.
Comments by other Members
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James Graham at 19:57 on 21 October 2015
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Hi Nick – I’ll probably follow up with a more general comment, but to start with I just want to focus on one point. There’s a pattern of ‘for...’ phrases, which is good: you begin with what the line was built for, talking about purpose, outcomes, reasons, and go on to reintroduce the same idea at each stage. But in some instances I feel the chosen word doesn’t work, or it’s hard to see the point of it.
In the first stanza all of them work, and the last one, ‘for money’, is very telling. In the second stanza there’s one that doesn’t seem right. Here, it’s what the navvies worked for. The last three lines of the stanza make perfect sense – they work to make it possible for the industry to work – the locomotives etc. They build the infrastructure on which the industrialist relies for production and to make his profits. They also work for themselves and their families, thus ‘for heat, for food’, and these are mentioned earlier in the stanza because they’re the workers’ first concerns.
Now, after all that, one word seems wrong. Why ‘for want’? Do you mean they’re driven by poverty to do this work? That’s true. Or a more convoluted meaning – they work ‘for’ want in the sense that when the work is finished they will be idle again. ‘Want’ is all they’re ultimately working for, because that’s their future. Still, it’s out of place in the line – ‘for’ heat/food means in order to be sure of having these things, but ‘for want’ means something else.
As I write this it begins to seem more and more pedantic! Much ado about very little. But I do think it would work better if everything in that line was the same sort of thing – what they get in return for their labour. I thought
for heat, for food, for a little money
would work quite well, partly because it refers back to ‘for money’ in the previous stanza, where it’s understood to be ‘big money’. It's a thread linking the two stanzas.
Taking it further, you could make the other two items more concrete:
for coal, for bread, for a little money
Here ‘for coal’ harks back to ‘for coal’ in the first stanza, but means something quite different: a little coal for their home fires.
In the third stanza, again I’m vague about what you mean by
For dark, for light, for life, for loss
What the third stanza is about is this different age we now live in, and our experience of it and response to it. So I would have thought what the disused, overgrown line is now ‘for’ is to give us pause for thought – about transience, the fulility of some human endeavours, awareness of our past, mixed feelings about our present and future. I wonder if there’s a way for those ‘for...’ phrases to reflect that? I can’t think of single words, but maybe two longer phrases like ‘for the ghosts of the past, for the uncertain future’? Those examples are cliches, but something similar?
Let me know what you think of all this, much ado about very little or worth considering. Just briefly on your Summary, if by format you mean the structure in three stanzas I think it works very well.
James.
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nickb at 13:33 on 22 October 2015
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Hi James, many thanks for your thoughts on this. As usual you have got to the crux of the issue I had with it. Having started with the "for this, for that" it seemed necessary to carry on with this in the third stanza, and this is where I struggled. I agree the meaning is more than a little vague and generic. I guess the issue is what is the line for now? Most of it has disappeared and the rest is overgrown, it has no real use for anything, except as a place to walk. I think what I was trying to convey was the contrast between the effort to build the line and what it has become. It was only operating for about 60-70 years. So maybe I should concentrate on that aspect.
Thanks again.
Nick
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James Graham at 21:03 on 22 October 2015
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Hi Nick- I think you can and should continue the 'for...' pattern in the third stanza. Without it there might be a sense that the poem has wandered off, sort of lost its way. Even if you have only one 'for...' line, the poem will make a very valid and telling point: this long narrow stretch of waste land, which seems to be useless, is still 'for' something. But what it's for now is to be a place for reflection - a place for us to gain insight into the past, and change - a place for us to become a little wiser. It no longer has a practical purpose, but if it generates insight that's something thar has value of a different kind. That's what it's for.
I haven't thought this through, but there might be another way to go in the third stanza: there must be wildlife there! Rabbits? Foxes? Badgers? Skylarks? Now it's 'for' them, for nature, including nettles and brambles which you could celebrate (not be simply annoyed by, as many people are) because they are so prolific, such good examples of the boundless energy of living things.
James.
<Added>
Some more thoughts - sorry, I'm getting quite carried away with this. Early in the third stanza: for nettles, for brambles, for rabbits. (All prolific life-forms! And incidentally not ones we want in our orderly gardens - but the old line is a free territory for them.)
Later in the stanza: for the silence of wild places/ for flowering and seeding/ for a vision - or other 'poetic' justifications for the place's existence.
Hope some ideas come out of this. These are things well worth saying.
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nickb at 22:06 on 22 October 2015
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That's an excellent idea James, it's far more relevant and effective. Time to go away and make some revisions.
Nick
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James Graham at 20:29 on 23 October 2015
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Looking forward to your revision. It may come in a flood of inspiration, but usually it takes time. Whichever, this poem is well worth it.
James.
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V`yonne at 18:59 on 26 October 2015
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I picked up[ on the 'fors' too, Nick. Kept going back over them to see if they pooled. Anyway James I think has said what needs to be said and I look forward to the revision too.
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