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Torrential bitterness ( amended )
Posted: 02 February 2004 Word Count: 90
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My mind's eye has a cruel cataract - Through it I see you suffer. You, who stood by and mocked while I was in the gutter, are now yourself undone.
As catastrophe strikes you down, I smile a smile of vengeance. Your face, once so smugly lit, is now alight with the flames of my venomous hatred.
Do you feel regret amidst the ire? That you can feel at all astounds me.
Did I hear you cry out for help? No; all I hear is the sweet crackle of fire.
Comments by other Members
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olebut at 10:38 on 02 February 2004
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Lisa I love the idea of your minds eye having a cruel cataract what an image.
i think this works well has a great deal of venom in it.. your still good friends with him then :)
take care
david x
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Fearless at 13:16 on 02 February 2004
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I like this, particularly the first and final stanzas. The second stanza is interesting in that you mention the presence of 'venemous hatred' - you must really dislike them, as you have moved beyond being a smirking observer. Not sure if 'flames' jars a tad with 'venemous hatred', but then, I got hit in the head on Saturday and may not be thinking straight.
A good observational poem (and an explanation of the waiting list times for cataract removal operations).
Fearless
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Bobo at 14:03 on 02 February 2004
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Woz - see what you maen about 'flames' - have amended to 'acid' which seems more in keeping. Hit in the head, eh?! Sounds painful...
BoBo x
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olebut at 16:47 on 02 February 2004
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oddly enough I thought flames was the logical word and worked very well, and I am not sure you can be alight form the acid but perhpas I am being a tad perdantic
take care
david
<Added>
mystery double post and one typo sorry
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olebut at 16:48 on 02 February 2004
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oddly enough I thought flames was the logical word and worked very well, and I am not sure you can be alight form the acid but perhpas I am being a tad pedantic
take care
david
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Bobo at 17:18 on 02 February 2004
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David - thanks for your comments - hmmm, I'm torn now. I was dubious re 'flames' when I wrote it, then Fearless questioned it and so I thought I was originally right. Now I've changed it, I'm not so sure - it's going to have to be one of those pieces I come back to. Watch this space...
BoBo x
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olebut at 17:27 on 02 February 2004
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Bobo
you could of course change the two lines to
is now alight from
the venom of my hatred.
.
that way you would save the repetition of fire/ alight etc.
anyway whatever you think in the end I know will work perfectly
take care
david
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Bobo at 18:30 on 03 February 2004
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David - having taken time out from it I've now changed it rather a lot - would be interested to know what you think.
BoBo x
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olebut at 17:03 on 04 February 2004
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Lisa
i think this scans better my only comment is that perhaps the needs to be a word in front of Fire in the last line
the would suffice but perhaps Hell's makes it stronger not 100% sure
take care
david xx
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