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The Ring

by Jojovits1 

Posted: 08 May 2015
Word Count: 331
Summary: Version 3 accepted by TLW :-)


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The Ring - Version 3
 
 
I hunt frantically through the dusty box,
a mausoleum for once shiny things.
 
I find it in a tangle of broken glamour;
tarnished, tawdry.
In my open hand, the ring;
a whispered ghost of gold and smoky quartz.
 
Throw it away
he says.
I shake my head.
It was a present from my mother.
 
I feel the salt scrape my throat
as I remember what it cost.
 
A winter wearing open-toed shoes.
Worry over rent and arthritic bones.
Choking back pride;
selling her wedding ring
to bring me this emblem
of unconditional love.
 
I hold it to my lips.
It is priceless.


The Ring - Version 2 


I hunt frantically through the dusty box,
a mausoleum for once shiny things.
I find it there
in a tangle of broken glamour.
Tarnished, tawdry,
in my open hand lies the ring; 
a whispered ghost of gold and smoky quartz.
 
Throw it away
he says.

I shake my head.
It was a present from my mother.

I feel the salt scrape my throat
as I remember what it cost.

A winter wearing peek toed shoes.
Worry over rent and arthritic bones.
Choking back pride;
selling her wedding ring
to bring me this emblem
of unconditional love.
 
I hold it to my lips.
It is priceless.




The Ring


I hunt frantically through the rusty, dusty box,
a mausoleum for once shiny things
and I find it there
in a tangle of broken glamour.
Tarnished and tawdry,
the ring lies in my open hand. 
A trinket with
the ghost of a long lost smoky quartz.
 
Throw it away
he said.

I shook my head.
It was a present from my mother.

I feel the salt scrape my throat
as I remember what it cost.

A winter wearing peek toed shoes.
Worry over rent and arthritic bones.
Choking on pride while selling
her wedding rings
to bring me this emblem
of unconditional love.
 
I hold it to my lips.
It is priceless.






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 09:08 on 09 May 2015  Report this post
It is priceless! An this is very lovely too. Do you want pointers? I'll do some and you ignore them if you want is how we work here and others chip in BUT it's all supposed to help and there's not much I would change here.

L1 rusty, dusty -- I would go for dusty on its own. Too many adjectives tend to cloy.
L3 leave out 'and' -- just put a full stop end of line 2 intead

Tarnished and tawdry,
the ring lies in my open hand. 
A trinket with
the ghost of a long lost smoky quartz.

I'd do the most cut here:

in my open hand the ring lies;
a long lost ghost of smoky quartz.

Because that is no trinket you carry, Mrs Baggins devil

Now this is not cuts just rearrangement. Present tense always feels more immediate to the reader:

Throw it away he says.

I shake my head.
It was a present from my mother.

the next two lines are perfect then

Choking back pride;
selling her wedding ring
to bring me this emblem
of unconditional love.

(words like that and and while are just packing -- you don't need them in poetry)

I like the end very much as it is and I just adored

a mausoleum for once shiny things

in a tangle of broken glamour.

and

I feel the salt scrape my throat

and I hope I haven't overwhelmed you! This a tender memory poem. Ghost and cost are at its heart and priceless love. Nicely done!

Jojovits1 at 11:58 on 09 May 2015  Report this post
Thank you, thank you...and no, you continue to point away.  I appreciate the help.

Jo

V`yonne at 12:43 on 09 May 2015  Report this post
I am sure the others will plow in Jo and next week you can put this into the poetry forum and I am sure James and others will have ideas too! This was really a great starter laugh

Jojovits1 at 12:44 on 09 May 2015  Report this post
Thank you again!smiley  Can I fiddle away with it in here or should I save different drafts?

V`yonne at 12:48 on 09 May 2015  Report this post
Ah now the thing we tend to do -- because yopu can lose good bits too -- is put all the drafts on the same place just as VERSION 1 VERSION 2 just because it makes it easier to compare between drafts that way. Also it's a good way for you to keep older version safe.
 

Jojovits1 at 12:49 on 09 May 2015  Report this post
Aahhh...ok!smiley

Thomas Norman at 11:21 on 10 May 2015  Report this post
Jo this is a beautiful poem, full of love and deep feeling.
I really like the honest sentiment-not at all sentimental-you bring here.
Version 2 is much tighter and a big improvement. Weeding out unnessary words and getting the order right is an important part of the writing process. Oonah is brilliant at spotting such things smiley She's a wonderful help to us lesser mortals!

Thomas.

V`yonne at 11:29 on 10 May 2015  Report this post
Very funny, Thomas! angel

Jojovits1 at 11:53 on 10 May 2015  Report this post
Thanks, Thomas!

Oonah has been invaluable, not only in her very helpful critique but also in navigating me through all things "websitey".  wink

Bazz at 15:35 on 10 May 2015  Report this post
Hi Jo, love the gentle emotion of this, it rings very true. Glad to see Oonah's given you some tips, I think your second version is great. I love the "broken glamour" and "salt scrape" great phrases.

stormbox at 22:26 on 10 May 2015  Report this post
This is a lovely poem Jo, I love the line:

a whispered ghost of gold and smoky Quartz

I could happily repeat that line over and over again! It reminds me of my mum's jewellery box, full of 'priceless' artefacts and precious memories, and that is the point: what might be 'tarnished and tawdry' to some are treasured keepsakes that remind you of special people and events in your life.

I'm no expert on footwear (by any means), but aren't they peep-toe shoes rather than peek toed?

David

James Graham at 19:56 on 16 May 2015  Report this post
Little more to say on this, Jo. You've done a very effective revision. The poem is excellent: it has a very authentic story and equally genuine feeling. As I look at each line I see nothing more that needs changing - except perhaps that 'peep-toed' does seem to be the usual expression!

James.


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