Shores by Jojovits1 - WriteWords.org.uk

WriteWords

Shores

by Jojovits1

Posted: 17 April 2015
Word Count: 272
Summary: Remembering walking along the beach in the early hours with a good friend years ago and dreaming about the future.
Related Works: Obsession •

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

Shores

By J Newton

Version 4 (there could be even more...sorry!)

I remember dusk-blanketed shores.
Sand, shingle;
freedom beneath our feet.
Laughter, tears at 3am;
Untarnished by life.

I still see
the smile in your eyes.
Cloud droplets of magic
lighting the night.
Friendship, secrets shared;
buried in sand.

We believed
the future shone brightly
in this poisonous filth.
Immortal.
Beautifully innocent
in the moon's benediction.

Version 3

I remember dusk-blanketed shores.
Sand and shingle,
freedom beneath our feet.
Laughter and tears at 3am.
Untarnished by life.

I remember the smile in your eyes.
Cloud droplets of magic
lighting up the night.
Friendship and secrets shared;
buried in the sand.

I remember the future shone so brightly
Nothing would keep us from
sparkling

But this poisonous filth
Reality.

Version 2

I remember dusk-blanketed shores.
Sand and shingle like freedom beneath our feet.
Laughter and tears at 3am.
Untarnished by life.

I remember the smile in your eyes.
Cloud droplets of magic
lighting up the night.
Friendship, secrets shared
and buried in the sand.

I remember the future shone
so brightly.
Nothing would keep us
from sparkling
but this poisonous filth,
reality.

Shores

By J Newton

I remember dusk-blanketed shores.
Sand and shingle like freedom beneath our feet.
Laughter and tears at 3am,
When we were untarnished by life.

I remember the smile in your eyes.
Cloud droplets of magic
Lighting up the night.
Friendship and secrets shared in the dark
And buried down deep in the sand.

I remember when the future shone
So brightly in the dark.
Nothing would keep us
From sparkling in this poisonous filth.
Nothing but reality.

Favourite this work

Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

James Graham at 18:37 on 18 April 2015 Report this post

Welcome to the group, Jo-Ann. I'll post a comment soon.

James.

Read the WriteWords interview with James Graham

Like (0) Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

V`yonne at 11:04 on 19 April 2015 Report this post

This is nice too. I think that you could dispose of a few words here and there:

When we were untarnished by life.

When we were could go leaving:
untarnished by life.

And because you have 'in the dark' twice, maybe:

Friendship and secrets shared;
buried down deep in the sand.

I would be inclined to make a change in that last stanza so the the break with the past stands out more;

The future shone so brightly
Nothing would keep us
From sparkling
Nothing but this poisonous filth.
reality.

But there are lots of other ways you could rearrange that in your own style and please know that everything suggested by us oldbies is just that -- suggestions -- and that we often have different opinions and that there is no 'right way'.

I do hope you enjoy the groups here.

Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)

Like (1) Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

James Graham at 19:45 on 19 April 2015 Report this post

Hi Jo-Ann – First of all I second what Oonah says about our suggestions being only suggestions and there being no ‘right way’. In the end the poem is ‘right’ when you look at it yourself and feel reasonably satisfied – at best, a feeling that you have written something really excellent, but often just ‘It’s ok. It’ll do.’

This is a well-made poem which captures the way we sometimes recall a special time in the past, with more sorrow than pleasure. You introduce the sense of regret at the end of each stanza – ‘friendship and secrets’ being ‘buried down deep’ conveys it too – then the closing lines of the poem make the strongest statement of it. This gives the poem a structure.

As for critique, it seems to be mainly a matter of ‘tightening’ – leaving words out here and there or expressing something more concisely for better effect. I agree with Oonah on:

Laughter and tears at 3am,
untarnished by life.

I would leave out ‘down’:

Friendship and secrets shared in the dark,
buried deep in the sand.

The last stanza I would arrange like this:

The future shone so brightly
Nothing would keep us from sparkling

But this poisonous filth
Reality

The future shone so brightly
Nothing would keep us from
sparkling

But this poisonous filth
Reality

In this latter version the word ‘sparkling’ is given emphasis, and contrasted with ‘Reality’, by each word having a line to itself. It’s part of the technique of free verse: you can ‘display’ a key word by means of a line-break. In general, you can start a new line at any point where you feel it will be effective. You can also ‘display’ by double-spacing one or more lines, which is what I’ve done with your last two lines. I feel it strengthens them.

‘Poisonous filth’ is a good strong phrase. It shocks a little, and would make the reader reflect on his or her own life and how much of that nasty stuff there has been in it. Again, just a suggestion: had you thought of ‘poisonous jetsam’? The memory is of a beach, and ‘jetsam’ would express the ugliness of ‘reality’ in terms of a polluted beach. Or 'filthy jetsam'? Just a thought.

I certainly like this poem, and look forward to more. I hope you will find the group enjoyable and helpful.

James.

Read the WriteWords interview with James Graham

Like (1) Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

Jojovits1 at 20:04 on 19 April 2015 Report this post

Thank you again Y'vonne and James.

The trouble with this one is that it was written years ago after the night it talks about. I lost a lot of work through moves and never thinking I would want to pick it up again. Consequently, this was re written recently (from memory) using the first verse as is and a feeling for the rest of it.

Being so old, the rhythm (rightly or wrongly) is firmly stuck in my head, so it's a massive help for someone to look at it from an outside perspective and give me different angles to work on.

I shall treat as a work in progress and post again later. I have a feeling it may change completely! :-)

Jo

Like (0) Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

V`yonne at 23:34 on 19 April 2015 Report this post

it was written years ago

is not a problem -- it's a BONUS

Do you know it took 20 years for me to get some poems finished?? Well -- are they EVER finished?

But if you remembered it it was important -- and it stuck and so it has that advantage already.

Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)

Like (1) Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

Thomas Norman at 08:56 on 20 April 2015 Report this post

Hi Jo,

I agree with what has been said above. This is a good poem that only needs tightening up a bit. The feelings are well coveyed and imaginative.

I note you again use repetition (as in Obsession) Here it works to best effect because it doesn't sound like repetition but gives a sense of bringing together..

I like this poem for its strength of character and use of language.

I look forward to reading the revised version.

Thomas.

Like (0) Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

Bazz at 17:21 on 07 May 2015 Report this post

Hi Jo, lovely bittersweet sentiment to this piece. I like James's comments about tightening it up, to make some of the conclusions the more blunt and direct. It's interesting to read how you've picked this poem up years after writing it. It would be interesting if you rewrote it from memory every few years or so, just to see what bitterness or nostalgia is added or taken away over time... A very thoughtful piece, that tries to walk once more on that shore.

Like (1) Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .

Other work by Jojovits1:

...view all work by Jojovits1