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Obsession

by Jojovits1 

Posted: 13 April 2015
Word Count: 348
Summary: Dark, disfunctional love


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Obsession
By J Newton

Version 4

You give me love;
you take it back.
You carry me
then let me fall.
You promise truth
but lie instead
and I adore you through it all.
 
You touch with heat
then turn so cold.
You pledge your all
but state your price.
You kiss the tears
that you create.
I am your willing sacrifice.
 
You drink my soul
then spit it back.
You call me Queen
but burn my throne.
Still, in this pool
of black desire
we drown together, not alone.

Version 3

You give me love;
you take it back.
You carry me
then let me fall.
You promise truth
but lie instead
and I adore you through it all.
 
You touch with heat
then turn so cold.
You watch me melt
while you are ice.
You kiss the tears
that you create.
I am your willing sacrifice
 
You drink my soul
then spit it back.
You call me Queen
and burn my throne.
Still, in this pool
of black desire
we drown together, not alone.

Version 2

You gave me love;
you took it back.
You carried me
then let me fall.
You promised truth
but lied instead
and I adored you through it all.
 
You taught me heat
then turned so cold.
You watched me melt
while you were ice.
You kissed the tears
you helped create.
I was your willing sacrifice
 
You drank my soul
then spat it back.
You called me Queen
then burned my throne.
Still, in this pool
Of black desire
We drown together, not alone

Version 1
You gave me love.
You took it back.
You carried me,
Then let me fall.
You promised truth
But lied instead.
And I adored you through it all.
 
You taught me heat
Then turned so cold.
You watched me melt
While you were ice.
You kissed the tears
You helped create.
I was your willing sacrifice
 
You drank my soul
Then spat it back.
You called me Queen
Then burned my throne.
Still, in this pool
Of black desire
We drowned together, not alone






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Comments by other Members



TassieDevil at 19:47 on 13 April 2015  Report this post
Hello Jo-Ann,
Welcome to Write Words. I'm not really qualified to comment on poetry  but did enjoy the images and emotions you present here. Could I suggest that you might have more feedback if you were to join a suitable group then post it there. It's the way things work best as you build up a relationship with like minded individuals, commenting on their work as well. There is a Poetry group with weekly challenges or other poetry groups as well. At the end of the day, it's up to you. Any questions you can email me from my home page.
All the best,
Alan

Jojovits1 at 20:05 on 13 April 2015  Report this post
Hi Alan

Thank you very much for commenting and yes, it's a good idea.  I only joined yesterday so I'm still trying to get to grips with how it all works.

Thank you again!

Jo

TassieDevil at 20:11 on 13 April 2015  Report this post
You're welcome Jo.
There are a lot of helpful and talented people around to help you learn the tricks here. I look forward to seeing you becoming involved. Check out the group list to see which ones would best suit you.

V`yonne at 10:55 on 19 April 2015  Report this post
This one skips along nicely and I see no sacrifice of meaning to rhyme or to rhythm and that is good. I was wondering whether in the final line you should keep to the present tense?

We drown together, not alone

The flow might further be enhanced by the removal of capital letter at the start of lines where they are not needed.

A satisfying read.

Thomas Norman at 18:29 on 19 April 2015  Report this post
Hi Jo,

I like theshort lines which give this poem drive that suits the subject, then each final line longer to eenphasize the foregoing. The repetitions also urge it along, but can get a little much if overdone. Just something to be aware of.

All in all a fine piece. Well done and good to see you on site.

Thomas
 

Jojovits1 at 19:55 on 19 April 2015  Report this post
Hi Y'vonne and Thomas and thank you so much for your comments.

I take on board your point Y'vonne about the capital letters - no point really and it almost automatically makes you start the line as a new sentence.  I also really like the idea of the last line being in the present tense.  It gives it a feeling of something not finished and still ongoing...which also validates the whole obsession thing.

Thomas, I completely agree that the repetitions could become tedious.  I hope this one is short enough that I haven't overdone it.  I wanted to convey a sense of gasping or breathlessness in the teller conveying (and admitting to herself) the facts of the situation that she can't bring herself to leave.  Have I done anything like that?  Or have I just written short, repetitive lines? Lol!

V`yonne at 23:30 on 19 April 2015  Report this post
If you want to post a revision at any stage, just add it to this as an EDIT. You'll see an edit option on your list of works. Call it VERSION 2/3/4 etc but don't delete the original. It's always best to compare. One can lose good things as well as bad you see.

It's a tip we all learn wink

Thomas Norman at 08:38 on 20 April 2015  Report this post
Hi Jo,

I didn't get the feeling of the narrator gasping as I read, it was more urgency, even frustration. Its the shortness of line that does that. I hink the flow is too regular to give a gasping effect, but I wouldn't change it to try to achieve that as I think the effect given serves the situation well.

No I don't think the repetitions are overdone in this case-but just very close to it. The shortness of the poem saves that.
The only thing I would suggest is to change 'drowned' to 'drown'.

Thomas

Bazz at 12:39 on 20 April 2015  Report this post
Hi Jo, i like the rhythm of this, the rhymes seem quite subtle, and very involving. I think any repetition in style here works well, because this piece feels like a refrain, a mantra, something going obsessively round and round in someone's mind. It has a very lyrical, but also personal quality, that works really well.


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