Slugs
Posted: 27 September 2014 Word Count: 296 Summary: FIrst poem in years. Go easy on me. Actually, don't. I can take it. Thought I'd start with a challenge. How on earth do you write about something like a slug? Honestly? With great difficulty.
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I asked you, 'what's the point of slugs'. We could not answer. Even wasps, you said, have a role in the balancing act of stuff, but slugs? We scratched our heads.
Take the name: like pushing purple against yellow on a wall, the two sounds do not fit; the sharp start chugging to an ugly halt with a dull 'u' sandwiched in between. At least the French gave the slug a chance by calling it une limace. But us? We offered it no such grace.
And then I thought: I'll write about the slug. After all, how often do you see them in poems? If Donne could do it with a flea, then surely slug words were out there to be used. (Mind you, Donne did have sex on his side. There was a point to his analogy.)
But the slug? To what could it serve as a metaphor for life, for our endless struggle to make sense of things etc? Could I get a woman into bed by waxing on its slimy perfection, or argue for world peace through reference to a selection of its finer points?
And then I saw it. As in its pointless ugliness we see how out of dark comes light; how from the thick slip of the slug's fat tube comes a strong and tender love of the ivy leaf it draws its slime along;
how from its grey, surrounding colours hum; how from the hoster leaves it turns to mulch comes a sense of how things change, and how a wholeness turn to loss.
So next time that I ask you 'what's the point of y or x', remind me - even the most awkward vulgar things in life assert themselves in opposition to the rest.
Comments by other Members
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Thomas Norman at 19:42 on 27 September 2014
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Hi Darren,
This is certainly an unusual subject and well tackled with some interesting thoughts. The construction is neat and it reads easily. However, for me, it is much too ordinary. I get no sense of anything catching my imagination. It reads rather like something from a text book on the mollusc! The language is beautifully crafted and grammar faultless but I find myself yearning for just a little daring!
Thomas
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James Graham at 19:35 on 29 September 2014
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Hi Darren – welcome back! I enjoyed this poem very much. For a start, it’s a telling demonstration of the idea that no subject is unfit for poetry. The notion is still with us that poets should write about ‘nice’ things. Butterflies, not slugs. ‘Daffodils’ – what a nice poem. Well, it’s a very fine poem, but there’s also room for weeds, slimy poisonous toadstools – and slugs.
Your poem is full of inventive ideas. Your dissection of the word ‘slug’ is very witty. The word is as ugly to the ear as clashing colours are to the eye. The sound of this line:
the sharp start chugging to an ugly halt
- the ‘s’ alliteration and repeated ‘ug’ is a first-rate example of the use of assonance and consonance we’ve been discussing in the group forum. Then the French word, which is so much softer, and seems somehow to give the creature more respect.
In the last three stanzas there’s a wealth of apposite reflections. First you focus on the slug itself, rather than a more human-centred philosophical thought:
how from the thick slip of the slug's fat tube
comes a strong and tender love of the
ivy leaf it draws its slime along
There is a ‘metaphor for life’ here, but the main drift of this is to look at the slug and try to see something attractive in it.
The second-last and last stanzas do draw philosophical lessons for humanity. It would be easy to make these rather trite, but your lines are anything but. There’s a simplicity and conviction, as well as conciseness of expression, that makes them very telling and ends the poem strongly.
even the most awkward vulgar things
in life assert themselves
in opposition to the rest
There’s an African insect, it seems (can’t remember the name of it) which gets itself ingested by a small animal, say a bush baby, and then starts eating it alive from the inside. We tend to make a judgement on such things, find them repellent, even evil. But it exists; it has evolved. It obeys its instincts.
I feel there are two passages in the middle of the poem that you could do without. The lines about Donne: you may disagree but I don’t think Donne’s poem is really about fleas. The flea is a conceit which he finds convenient to make a witty poem of seduction. Your poem is about slugs. Donne doesn’t seem a very apt analogy. Then, the second half of the fourth stanza, ‘Could I get...finer points?’ In this case it’s just for the sake of moving the poem on from the questions to the answers. Stanzas 3 and 4 could be collapsed into one, roughly like
And I thought: I'll write about the slug.
After all, how often do you see them
in poems? To what could it serve
as a metaphor for life, for our endless
struggle to make sense of things?
And then I saw it.
Your closing stanzas are very strong and I feel those lines in the middle are weaker by comparison.
Minutiae: 1. No ‘etc’? 2. ‘Hostas’. 3. ‘...a wholeness turns to loss’.
Hope this will be helpful.
James.
PS. This is partly addressed to Thomas. It's not 'ordinary'. It has a sort of ordinary starting point, a conversation in the garden: 'What's the point of slugs?' 'Goodness knows'. But there's much to follow that's extraordinary. And it goes without saying that scarcely a single line bears any resemblance to the language of a text book.
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Bazz at 21:22 on 30 September 2014
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Hi Darren, I really like how you explore this theme, the word slug, the feel of it, the texture, the poem unfolds very interestingly, very deliberately. I also like how you seem to challenge yourself to make a poem out of something you don't find poetic. The struggle creates some great impressions, especially -
And then I saw it. As in its pointless ugliness
we see how out of dark comes light;
how from the thick slip of the slug's fat tube
comes a strong and tender love of the
ivy leaf it draws its slime along;
So i think this is a very interesting piece. I found it a little unwieldy at first, but after a few readings I really appreciated it. I do think it might be a little over long, have you considered cutting it by a stanza? Or merging the themes of the second and third stanzas perhaps?
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DJC at 16:57 on 04 October 2014
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Thanks all! I do agree Thomas - it is rather an ordinary subject isn't it. Part of the challenge I guess. And I certainly agree with you James - it's a bit sluggish (pun intended) in the middle isn't it.
Definitely worth a bit of cutting Bazz.
Thanks all.
D
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