Dunoon Ferry
Posted: 16 July 2014
Word Count: 105
Summary: a wee reflective sonnet - trying to link anorexia with alchoholism
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Dunoon Ferry
Tonight’s ferry floats upon her ghost;
the Zavaroni chip-shop sign glowing
of the seventies. Maybe the words were white
but they’re tired now and tilted slightly.
Traces of chips and vinegar drag me
to flared trousered lunch time first year love,
radio belting out Mama he’s makin’ eyes at me
and I’m imagining Angie Maguire singing
even though her mother was dead and she
was nearly an orphan except for her dad
who found me Bay City Roller drunk
in her garden and phoned the stomach pump.
And wine’s promises are a curse like fame
Lena, thinning away like the chip shop sign.
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.jpg) RalphFSmith at 12:51 on 17 July 2014
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Des, This is a moving sonnet. I believe the connection works very well.
I have a few questions:
the Zavaroni chip-shop sign glowing
of the seventies. Maybe the words were white
but they’re tired now and tilted slightly.
This is beautiful poetic image, evoking the change and loss over time. Nevertheless, it is confusing. The "sign glowing" {in the evening] indeed recalls the seventies, when so many neon signs were used. However, it is confusing that the "words were white" if that is the case. And how would they "tilt"? Is this strictly in the mind of the persona? I looked up Zavaroni's on the Isle of Bute. The words were in red on a white background but there was no tilt that I could see.
even though her mother was dead and she
was nearly an orphan except for her dad
How does Lena become "nearly" an orphan unless her father is abusive or alienated from her (no evidence of this in the poem)? He seems quite a caring person because he phones for an ambulance to rescue Lena's boyfriend.
These are small points. Excellent work.
Ralph
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 desdillon at 13:14 on 17 July 2014
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Thanks for commenting Ralph. You're right about glowing - I want it to mean redolent - or taking me back or reminding but couldn't get the right word - changing Glowing to something else would take away the neon image which is an image I don't want. Is the sign red? Then I'll change that.
Tilted - I had "tilted like me" before - meaning tilted with the drink and the boat but took it out. Tilted referring to the narrator the boat and the sign. I think poetic license can let me have the sign tilting - I remember it being run down but I'm using thinning away in the last line so couldn't do similar in the octet.
sorry - it's Annie Maguire who is nearly an orphan except for her Dad. What I'm trying to do here is slip into the language and thought of a 13 year old boy - with that absurd logic of being nearly an orphan. It was Annie Maguire's father who called the ambulance. If that's not clear I'll have to change it.
it's a great help Ralph - thanks for the comments -really appreciated.
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 James Graham at 20:56 on 17 July 2014
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Hi Des – Counted the lines. 14! I love this sonnet, especially the tone you’ve achieved in it. It seems to make light of its subject but compassion is very much present. I wouldn’t say ‘underlying’; it’s near the surface. Poor Lena Zavaroni – a lovely child, then her short adult life was nothing but struggle.
So far I can’t see anything to criticise in this poem. Under the terms of my contract  I ought to look for a down side, so considered the question of ‘local interest’. Would readers beyond South West Scotland (in places where it says ‘Here be Monsters’ on the map) get as much out of it as locals would? No great problem. With a little more effort, perhaps, yes they would. ‘Dunoon Ferry’ – it doesn’t matter if they’re not sure where Dunoon is or where the ferry leaves from; it’s a clear picture of an evening ferry somewhere; there’s a rather run-down fish-and-chip shop on the harbourside, and the poem’s narrator is reminded of some familiar enough past experiences. They assume Angie Maguire is his former girlfriend, and they’ve at least heard of the Bay City Rollers. Nothing obscure at all.
This is a point I’ve made before in WW, not quite ad nauseam I hope. In the 21st century, if a poem (or any piece of writing) contains references we’re unsure about, we have only to google. Writers should expect their readers to spend five minutes filling in background knowledge if necessary. Since Lena Zavaroni’s career was in the 70s and early 80s, younger readers might not be au fait. But just google ‘Zavaroni’ and everything becomes clear – including the fact that the forename mentioned in the last line goes with the surname in the second line, as well as all about her anorexia etc. Again, no problem.
But enough of that. I love also the way you merge several elements – a particular setting, a tribute to Lena, the essence of the seventies:
flared trousered lunch time first year love
(The seventies in seven words! ) plus personal experience. It all comes together, most of all in the transition from joke to compassion in the last lines:
who found me Bay City Roller drunk
in her garden and phoned the stomach pump.
And wine’s promises are a curse like fame
Lena, thinning away like the chip shop sign.
Is there anything in the poem you’re not sure about, or are you happy with it? If there’a a line or word you’re not quite happy with, we could discuss it. As far as I’m concerned though, it works perfectly.
Just an aside: when you’re leaving Largs on the Millport ferry you see Nardini’s Cafe and are reminded of another very talented Scots-Italian daughter – Daniela Nardini. A much more fortunate one, though.
James.
PS. While posting this I read Ralph's comment. Yes, 'glowing' is a small problem. Makes no difference to change to red; it's maybe even a better colour to suggest better times. And poetic licence does allow you to have the sign tilting. I had no trouble with the lines about Annie Maguire.
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desdillon at 22:22 on 17 July 2014
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Hi James aye I counted the lines too. I'm chuffed that you like this sonnet. In that Irish way it makes light of the subject in a deadly serious way like the Irish wake of which I've been to quite a few in Coatbridge over the years. Lean had that big hit when my hormones were just waking up and in my town that meant buckfast. in that heady mix Lena Zavaroni was immortal. So it was a bit shock when she wasn't. And anorexia was then dismissed as a self inflicted illness.
Nothing to criticise...lulling me into a false sense of security here. It went down easily this one from notes I took a few years back when it was a shock to see the Zavaroni name on the chippy and wonder if they ever got over it. Cos in a way neither did I.
I totally agree re the Google search. I like the parochial becoming universal like in Huckleberry Finn. I like writers to assume I'm familiar with their world and so drawing me in.
That transition from joke to compassion is also an element in the irish wake. I love melancholy poetry like stopping by woods... Donald Og translation. ..chunks of Yates
I still need to fix that word glowing. .. need it to mean took me back... redolent of the 70s.... reminded me. ...transposed me....etc. Any ideas?
Daniela Nardini is a brilliant actor. And it's strange that those two signs are connect to famous scots so close cos the Dunoon ferry leaves from Wemyss bay.
Hope you are enjoying the sun
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James Graham at 21:00 on 18 July 2014
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To replace ‘glowing’ you perhaps need to broaden the range of concepts, not limiting yourself to something meaning ‘reminding me of’. And it doesn’t have to be a present participle verb; it could be a noun.
I’m just making this up as I go along, but maybe a word indicating a historical relic, something left over from a past age. ‘A relic of the seventies’. ‘Remains of the seventies’. Something to do with runes - a rune-stave is a runic letter or symbol – or some other kind of ancient writing.
Maybe think in terms of visual symbols – emblem, token, totem, hallmark. The chip-shop sign is symbolic or representative of the seventies.
Alternative verbs are a bit thin on the ground. There’s ‘summoning’. The sign could be said to re-awaken memories, so ‘waking’, ‘rousing’, ‘stirring’. When I think about it, 'rousing' isn't bad - the escapade in the sestet is a memory 'roused' rather than gently 'stirred'.
Even if none of these is to your liking, maybe they will ‘summon up’ something better.
James.
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desdillon at 10:11 on 19 July 2014
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Hi James aye I counted the lines too. I'm chuffed that you like this sonnet. In that Irish way it makes light of the subject in a deadly serious way like the Irish wake of which I've been to quite a few in Coatbridge over the years. Lean had that big hit when my hormones were just waking up and in my town that meant buckfast. in that heady mix Lena Zavaroni was immortal. So it was a bit shock when she wasn't. And anorexia was then dismissed as a self inflicted illness.
Nothing to criticise...lulling me into a false sense of security here. It went down easily this one from notes I took a few years back when it was a shock to see the Zavaroni name on the chippy and wonder if they ever got over it. Cos in a way neither did I.
I totally agree re the Google search. I like the parochial becoming universal like in Huckleberry Finn. I like writers to assume I'm familiar with their world and so drawing me in.
That transition from joke to compassion is also an element in the irish wake. I love melancholy poetry like stopping by woods... Donald Og translation. ..chunks of Yates
I still need to fix that word glowing. .. need it to mean took me back... redolent of the 70s.... reminded me. ...transposed me....etc. Any ideas?
Daniela Nardini is a brilliant actor. And it's strange that those two signs are connect to famous scots so close cos the Dunoon ferry leaves from Wemyss bay.
Hope you are enjoying the sun
<Added>
Hi James
i reposted the same post so ignore that above - posting form my phone is hit and miss. I've decided to go with summons up cos it forts rhythmically and also reads well with the sibilance from chip shop to seventies is like a whisper which helps the atmosphere of the past being drawn up.
here it is below. As always James - you are spot on.
Dunoon Ferry
Tonight’s ferry floats upon her ghost;
the Zavaroni chip-shop sign summons
up the seventies. Maybe the words were red
but they’re tired now and tilted slightly.
Traces of chips and vinegar drag me
to flared trousered lunch time first year love,
radio belting out Mama he’s makin’ eyes at me
and I’m imagining Angie Maguire singing
even though her mother was dead and she
was nearly an orphan except for her dad
who found me Bay City Roller drunk
in her garden and phoned the stomach pump.
And wine’s promises are a curse like fame
Lena, thinning away like the chip shop sign.
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James Graham at 20:10 on 19 July 2014
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Often you don't know if a word is right until you see it in context, i.e. put it in and read the whole poem again. Well, 'summons' is right.
Something I hadn't noticed: should there be punctuation after 'fame'? A colon would say 'wine’s promises are a curse like fame': for example, Lena. Not too happy with that, actually. A full stop would be better - the last two lines would then be two thoughts that occur to the poem's narrator, one immediately after the other, with no conscious connective. Our thoughts aren't always linked X therefore Y, or X for example Y. They just come one after another.
Another - slightly fanciful - reason for the full stop. The speaker is still on the ferry. He thinks, 'And wine’s promises are a curse like fame'. There's a pause while he ponders this and gazes at the choppy Clyde waters. Then his thoughts return to Lena. 'Lena, thinning away like the chip shop sign.'
Are you submitting to editors at present? New Writing Scotland would be worth a try with this poem - and others maybe. Subs by 30 Sept.
James.
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desdillon at 20:42 on 19 July 2014
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I see what you're saying re the fame punctuation James. I want the narrator to be speaking to Lena. And my alcoholism has been the same kind of curse like fame Lena cos the promises it made me have faded year by year.
Can it still mean this by a full stop after fame? To cover all bases maybe a comma.
Just published a few of these sonnets on everyday poets recently. ..perhaps that's why it shut down! You said in your ww interview James to stay away from editors who don't get you. I feel I've not been got in Scotland although I have elsewhere and made a decision a few years ago to break through in other countries.
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 Thomas Norman at 10:34 on 16 August 2014
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Hi Ralph,
I love sonnets and have written quite a few in the modern style. I've followed the comments above and agree with what has emerged. Thw atmosphere is wonderfully brought out and although not a Scot I had no problem with understanding the context. A truly great sonnet.
Thomas.
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