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SQUARE IS MY HEAD
Posted: 25 January 2004
Word Count: 78
Summary: JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING I HAVENT THOUGHT ABOUT, BUT I HAVENT EXACTLY SORTED OUT WHAT I FEEL IS VERY BAD TIMING, JUST NEED TO GET SOMETHING DOWN,
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SQUARE
IS MY HEAD
SHOOTING BLANKS
SPAGHETTI SYSTEMS
THEY DRAG AND PULL THOSE
BULLETS OF WHITE
AND ON THE WALL
NEXT TO MY HEAD
ARE THE HOLES
FROM THE BULLETS
PENETRATE KITSCH YELLOW WALLS
WITH CIRCLES OF BLACK
THE WALLS
THEY ARE SPRAYED
WITH SOLDIERS LAUGHING CORPSES
BUT I AM DEADLY GRIM
WITH TEETH DRIED OUT, GRIMACED
STILL ILL EMBRACE THE DEAD SOLDIERS
WHO SHOOT AT MY HEAD
AND SPORN THEIR DEAD CHILDREN
FROM A SODDEN BROWN BED
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Comments by other Members
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 roovacrag at 16:29 on 25 January 2004
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Take off the caps sounds as though your shouting.
sounds as though your trying to say what is happening in wars,it's like a dream. read it through again and rewrite it.A poem that could be great. Try again.xxxxxxxAlice
<Added>
Hope you become a full member then you will learn a lot more. take care.xxAl
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 Anna Reynolds at 19:23 on 25 January 2004
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Rosie, yes, I echo Alice's plea to see this without caps- it makes it hard to read- but what does come through are some incredibly strong images and a sense of terror. 'But I am deadly grim, with teeth dried out' is particularly thought-provoking.
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KnoxOverstreet at 21:37 on 25 January 2004
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Louise. I agree with Alice and Anna on the capitals, although quite a shocking subject matter, the way it's written implies a tenderness that would be enhanced by use of lower case letters. A couple of the lines are a bit weak, but there's a great poem in here (and you are right to get it down, you can always tune it later, not writing it at all is the worst thing to do). I think you mean 'spawn' on the second to last line, not 'sporn'. And as Alice says, you should become a full member, there's a lot of talent in this work.
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 Jojovits1 at 19:50 on 07 June 2015
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Hi Louise!
I agree with everyone else on the caps thing. It can make it quite hard to read and comes out like a stream of conciousness. All well and good for a first draft but you'd want to hone it.
That said, there are some startling images in here and this could be an amazing piece of writing with a little work.
I joined as a full member a little while ago and would highly recommend it. There are some very talented people on here, all willing to help in any way they can. As a source of information, it is excellent.
Jo
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ROSIE 
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