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Posted: 18 February 2014
Word Count: 131
Summary: Edited version.....
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You stop to lace your boots
under a broken ash, and breathe
the musk of moss on deadwood.
Lifting your head,
you eye the greenness,
and the black earth.
So many last looks
make you look blindly,
dull as buckle and bayonet,
tarnished by separation,
the hellish jarring
of metal on metal.
You stand slowly,
for a moment unshackled.
Your hands shake.
Rage comes, and grief,
quiet as a bullet,
the sting of what might have been,
and the years of deception
leave you careened
in the dark.
Shell flashes make you flinch,
they sing through
the trees like a choir,
lace-winged, and on them
you see every road you’ve tramped,
each ruined billet,
the field kitchen queue,
a mug of tea with friends,
their faces turned from the light.
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 V`yonne at 23:04 on 18 February 2014
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The final three stanzas are just wonderful Nick. I will get back on the rest -- it's late.
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V`yonne at 20:37 on 19 February 2014
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This didn't initially grab me because of line 2
where I thought oak and ash was overdoing it -- under a dead oak or under an ash would do.
and line 3
'as'
as and while seem to be buzz conjuctions these days and every time I see them I want to scream. This is not your faunlt -- I am an editor and editors pick up trends and develop pet hates 
It got better. I would trim the odd word here and there:
Raindrops clatter on new leaves.
Suck up musk
of moss on fallen trunks
you lift your head,
eye the greenness of it all,
and the black earth.
Then I started really liking what I saw
make you look blindly,
dull as buckle and bayonet,
tarnished by separation,
I liked tarnished especially.
The hot wax image doesn't seem to fit. Maybe mud or blood or vomit might work better. Even 'shit' if you want to get graphic -- and it works with the s sounnds.
I loved
Rage comes, and grief,
quiet as a bullet,
the sting of what might have been,
as if rage and grief themselves can kill -- whch of course is true. They kill the spirit. And that takes us back to
So many last looks
Right at the end I would suggest less use of every by doing this:
the field kitchen queue,
a mug of tea with friends,
their faces turned from the light.
That is so poigant. Thank you for this one.
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V`yonne at 20:39 on 19 February 2014
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Oh I forgot to say I like that theme of shine and dullness. Maybe the title should reflect that -- no pun intended 
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 Bazz at 21:11 on 19 February 2014
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Hi Nick, I agree this is a great poem (especially around the last six stanzas) but I think it's maybe too long? Perhaps it would be tighter just by cutting the first three stanzas. If you need them to establish mood or tone, perhaps that could just be established in the title? Either way, there are many great lines here.
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 nickb at 14:22 on 20 February 2014
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Thanks Oonah and Bazz, lots to think about there, and some very helpful suggestions. I have a tendency to use ten words where one will do which I am trying to change, so I take your ponts about trimming here......and I will try not to use "as" and "when" in future!
Nick
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 James Graham at 21:32 on 20 February 2014
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Hi Nick - It didn’t strike me immediately that this poem needed to be cut. But I’ll give that some thought in view of what others have said. On first reading I’ve nothing but good to say about it.
The first three stanzas are a sketch of the person addressed, in a natural setting, a safe and peaceful place away from scenes of war. The trees reappear towards the end, but here shells ‘sing through’ them (or seem to) and you introduce that very striking word ‘lace-winged’ which somehow links and contrasts the shells with the delicate ‘helicopter seeds’ of the ash tree. The recurrence of this idea is very effective; it’s like a return to the home key in music.
I like the way the poem is addressed to ‘you’. ‘You’ is someone close to the narrator, and the narrator is someone who is better able to articulate the other’s feelings and disturbing memories. The other - ‘you’ - has experience of war, and perhaps finds it hard to articulate those experiences. The presence of a narrator observing this person and understanding, having these insights, crystallising in words what is perhaps a chaos of bad memories, is one of the strengths of the poem.
Something else I noticed, at the end especially, is your choice of war details. You don’t talk about men dying of gas or terrible wounds, but roads tramped, field kitchens and mugs of tea. Though these are low-key aspects of war, somehow they seem just as powerful. The last line
their faces turned from the light
makes sure we feel the weight of the poem as a statement about war. It’s a chilling line, using ‘light’ in every sense from the literal to the light of understanding, or of hope.
On second reading I took much more meaning from
So many last looks
make you look blindly
which I could see makes a subtle connection with ‘faces turned from the light’. It’s also part of the gradual way the war theme unfolds in the poem, not present at all at first then emerging bit by bit.
I’ll keep working on this poem to see if I think anything needs revising, but as of now I think it’s the best poem you’ve posted in WW.
James.
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nickb at 13:00 on 23 February 2014
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Many thanks for your thoughts on this James. I found it quite difficult to avoid cliches on this subject, after all the WW1 poets are particularly well known and make it difficult to find a new angle on it. This is why I tried to avoid trences, gas and machine guns. I was also conscious that my imagining of these experiences is second hand. But then I guess if we only wrote about we had experienced directly it would be very limiting.
Nick
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James Graham at 12:37 on 24 February 2014
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OK Nick, I said I would get back to you, possibly with suggestions for revision. I don’t think the poem would suffer by the loss of
Death drips from you
like hot wax sliding
to a sump at your feet.
The poem in general works so well by the power of understatement, and this is just a bit over-egged. Quite a lurid image. The change is very easy to make:
You stand slowly,
for a moment unshackled.
Your hands shake.
These lines are very simple, the first and third especially having no figurative element at all. You may think they’re too plain with the hot wax image gone, but - trust me - they’re very telling. They contain the kind of detail that invites readers to see more depth, more significance, than appears on the surface. And the whole context of the poem amply provides that significance.
This is the only part of the poem that I would suggest changing. Barry and Oonah have questioned the first two stanzas, but I think they stand up ok. The little sketch of a person in a natural setting is there as a contrast with the final stanzas. However, if you want to take this on board, here’s the original and a variation:
You stop to lace your boots
under oak and ash,
as blackbirds chatter.
Raindrops clatter on new leaves.
Sucking up the musk
of moss on fallen trunks
You stop to lace your boots
beneath an ash, and breathe
the musk of moss on deadwood.
You lift your head.
You eye the greenness
and the black earth.
Something like this would be more concise but still retain the nature theme. The oak has gone, and so have the blackbirds, but they’re not essential. The really vital detail to keep is the vivid smell of musk, and fallen trees or deadwood as this is the first hint of the war theme.
The second of these two stanzas, by the way, is also in very plain language. But what it says to me is: ‘Eye’ rather than ‘look at’ suggests someone seeing but not seeing very much, someone looking at a pleasant spot but not engaging with it because inner thoughts or memories are uppermost. ‘The greenness’ and ‘the black earth’ are deliberately vague, suggesting this is all that would register with someone who isn’t really looking. The next two lines,
So many last looks
make you look blindly
are wonderfully well judged because they immediately give us more insight into why the subject ‘eyes’ rather than looks. I said this is the best poem of yours that I’ve read, and the better I know it the more convinced I am that it’s the genuine article.
Have you thought of a title yet? Perhaps a title could give an indication as to who the person is. Are the two of them, the narrator and the poem’s subject, brothers? I’ll give this a little more thought.
James.
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nickb at 16:21 on 25 February 2014
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Once again many thanks for your views on this James. I agree with you about the "death drips" bit, it stands out as being too melodramatic in comparison to the rest of the poem so I've struck it out. I've also trimmed the whole thing in line with yours and Oonah's suggestions. I'll maybe post the revised version.
Nick
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James Graham at 20:35 on 26 February 2014
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This is as near perfect as humanly possible, Nick - I’ve gone over and over it, and as far as I can see every line is right. The whole poem is powerful, mainly through that power of understatement, and has an unmistakeable ring of truth.
All you need now is a title. Sometimes a title comes easily; sometimes it’s the first thing you think of, before writing the poem. I can see that this one isn’t the easiest. These are some ways I’ve managed to get titles in the past.
You can use a single word, or a phrase, from the poem, one that is a key word or phrase, a significant ‘way in’ to the poem.
You can use a title to give information which helps the reader to put the poem in context: in this case, some indication of who ‘you’ is - ‘Veteran’? - or the occasion, which seems to be just a walk in the woods; or an indication of place. ‘Incident in _____ Wood’ (inserting name) seems not bad as the reader would begin by expecting an external incident but would quickly realise that it was happening in the mind of the subject, in peaceful incident-free surroundings.
You can also try to find a phrase or single word that seems to sum up what the poem is about, or one key aspect. All I can think of is something around the ideas of aftermath, echoes, reminders, memory. The poem describes a ‘moment’ - a long moment, but a moment nevertheless. A brief episode. I wonder if ‘Moment’ would do, failing all else?
But all else won’t fail. You’ll get a title. And then...submit to a magazine or competition?
James.
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nickb at 16:33 on 27 February 2014
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Thanks again James, I'll try some the angles you suggest in order to get a title. I was wondering about "Remainder" (i.e. the amount left over after dividing a number) but not entirely convinced. I've also toyed with "Conflict", "A Pause" and "Witness", but again nothing has really stuck yet.
I've only ever submitted things to EDP in the past but happy to try another magazine if there is one that would be suited to this sort of subject?
All the best,
Nick
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