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Art of Noise

by artyfenton 

Posted: 30 December 2013
Word Count: 108


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Break a stick
hit the earth

squeeze a sound
from your birth

Eat a monster
feed your pain

Kill a gangster
go insane

All these things I've left to do
Lead me endlessly to you

All these things I've left unsaid
Leave me crying in my bed

Take some dirt
make a pile

Build it higher
like a spire

Build it stronger
Build it taller

Keep on building
keep on building

All these things I've left to do
Lead me endlessly to you

All these things I've left unsaid
Leave me crying in my bed

 







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Comments by other Members



James Graham at 12:03 on 03 January 2014  Report this post
Hello, Arty, welcome to the group. Nice timing - itís good to have a new member to start the new year.

I have to say right away that thereís something about this poem I canít quite get my head round. So Iíll just float some ideas and impressions and you can put me right.

I like the form - the pattern youíve set up, of short lines rhyming or repeating along with longer lines, also rhyming but striking a different note - a different mood. Everything in the short lines is kind of crazy: the first set suggests angry reactions, more in the mind than in reality - ĎEat a monsterí, ĎKill a gangsterí - and the second seems to be about trying in a rather feeble way to make a new life, trying to build something out of dirt, something that will just collapse. The longer lines are more real - something bad has happened (more about that later) and thereís a lot of pain and grief. So the short-line sections speak in a different way from the long-line sections, which is always a sign that a poet knows how to use line length to good effect.

Another impression: this is like a song lyric. Is it a song? Do you see it becoming a musical number for performance?

Something I canít decide: ĎYouí could be an Ďexí, a former partner who has broken it off but the poemís speaker is still in love. Or else Ďyouí is someone who has died. Thatís suggested by the lines

All these things I've left unsaid
Leave me crying in my bed


Knowing there are things left unsaid, that never can be said, is often a part of grief, a recurring and tormenting thought that comes after a death.

The more I think about it, the more I think itís a death that has happened - but Iím not a hundred per cent sure thatís what you mean.

One or two odds and ends that I need you to explain. I donít get this at all:

squeeze a sound
from your birth


- the cry of a newborn baby? But why put this beside breaking a stick, eating a monster, and killing a gangster? It seems out of place.

Also the title. I donít see a connection between the title and the poem, but suspect there is a real connection, maybe a very clever one, and Iím just being dumb about it.

So I hope youíll get back to me so that we can discuss the poem further. It may possibly need a bit of revision, but it already has a lot to commend it and could be a really excellent piece.

James.



V`yonne at 15:37 on 05 January 2014  Report this post
For me (and I am not a fan of end rhyme) the rhyme is driving the poem maybe to say things that don't quite fit like

Kill a gangster
go insane


The beginning seems to go from birth and that is such a jump! But the title suggests maybe this is more for performance?

James Graham at 15:49 on 05 January 2014  Report this post
Well, what was it the poet said about the 'troublesome bondage of rhyming'? (Milton.) The long lines rhyme very naturally, but I wonder if lines 1-8 would work better using repetition like the short lines further on, and avoiding end rhyme?

James.


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