Carpe Diem
Posted: 28 December 2013 Word Count: 614 Summary: For Challenge 489
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“Tim! Where's Tim gone? “Tim?” “Tim, where are you? It’s getting scary in here.” “Hey you two love birds. Calm down. I’m just over here. Take a look at this.” They can make out Tim’s dark figure ahead, his huge shadow now flickering on the ancient stone wall. "Tim, we've got to stick together,” says Jill. “What is it you've found?” Dave asks. It is a statue, a statue of a man holding a box in his hands. The box is being held out towards them. Golden and shimmering in the light of the torches strapped to their heads, it looks as if it is being offered to them. “I'm not sure who he's supposed to be." "He has a twisted sort of smile." "Ugh! He's not much of a looker." “I wouldn't trust him on a dark night." “I wonder what’s in the box?" says Jill, "He seems to want us to take it.” Tim carefully takes the box from the statue. “There’s something scrawled here on the top.” “What does it say?” asks Dave. “It's some sort of Sumerian script. You're the expert, Jill. Can you do the honours?” “Mmm. Hold your torches still, boys. Let me see.” The other two young archaeologists focus their torches on the writing as Jill tries to make out the words. ‘Welcome ... to ... your ... piece ... of ... time.’” “Well thanks very much, mate!' Dave says to the statue. "So it's an ancient time piece!” says Jill. “Doesn't look like a clock to me," Tim replies. “The message is a bit metaphysical, isn’t it?” whispers Dave. “But what can it mean?” Jill says turning the box over in her hands. The lid of the box falls open. “Whoops,” she says. Then, “Oh, it's OK. There's nothing inside.” “You know they saw time like any other dimension,” says Tim. “They thought they could take a chunk of time and ... I don't know ... place it … stack it somewhere.” “Stack it somewhere?” "Yes, sure. Pieces of time held in the space-time continuum of eternity. Picture it. Chunks of time, replaying and replaying the same events over and over and …” "Stop it, Tim, you're making me feel all funny," says Jill. "Jill, haven't you learned to take Tim with a huge pinch of salt yet?” He tries to put a reassuring arm around Jill, but she pulls away intent on something she has seen inside the box. “Look, here. There are some other words on the inside, around the lip of the lid.” “Can you make out what they say, Jill?” “They say, ‘from … now ... forever.'" “Now and forever?” “Yes. So the whole thing reads ‘Welcome to your piece of time from now forever’.” “This is all getting a bit creepy, let's get out into the daylight.' “What's wrong?” “I can't see the door where we came in.” “It was there wasn't it?” “It's gone. There isn't a door.” “I don't see another way in ... or out!” "And I don't see Tim." “Tim! Where's Tim gone? “Tim?” “Tim, where are you? It’s getting scary in here.” “Hey you two love birds. Calm down. I’m just over here. Take a look at this.” They can make out Tim’s dark figure ahead, his huge shadow now flickering on the ancient stone wall. "Tim, we've got to stick together,” says Jill. …………..
Comments by other Members
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Bunbry at 17:57 on 28 December 2013
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Hi Bryan I like this a lot, you have a nice creepy situation and clever ending. There are a couple of things I'd do differently though. Firstly I would just describe the statue rather than using dialogue to do so. I would also reduce the number of characters to two. Never have more characters than you absolutely need is my motto.
Nick
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BryanW at 18:17 on 28 December 2013
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Well Nick, two's company and there's a crowd - for all eternity - was my thinking.
Bryan.
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V`yonne at 22:29 on 28 December 2013
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Oh together there for all eterrnity playing the same piece of time over and over in that box scary stuff :)
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BryanW at 22:35 on 28 December 2013
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It's 'three is a crowd.' The spell-correcting thingy keeps changing it.
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euclid at 22:41 on 28 December 2013
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Yes, I loved this. I was a little confused about the number of people present. Like who was talking in that "pinch of salt" line.
Nice story. Groundhog day in an underground chamber.
JJ
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V`yonne at 10:36 on 29 December 2013
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What I would do with this is gradually try to increase the jeopardy by describing the box in closer and closer detail as you go along it's seamless symmetry, it's lack of edge, it's dusty exterior, a seeming slight expansion, a tingling, a glow... and let the lid suddenly remove of itself and engulf them... Then I would let Microhorror have a look.
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Jordan789 at 14:45 on 29 December 2013
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I liked how the creepiness took over the whimsy, and I found the bit on the stacking of time very fascinating. I was very interested in who these people were and what they were doing here. I imagine some archaeologists exploring a dig. I suppose I also like the ending, though at first thought it might be better to just have the box swallow them up; I like the idea of these people caught in this infinity loop, especially if they are unaware of it. It becomes a bit comical though too.
I wonder if this could be the end to a short story. I want to see the beginning of the expedition.
Good read.
Jordan
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fiona_j at 17:08 on 29 December 2013
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I like this story, very much like ground-hog day but with no clear way of ever getting out.
I didn't mind there being three characters but I did get lost a little on who was speaking when. I agree with Oonah too, I think the spookiness of the box needs to be woven into the story more.
The loop was very seamless too, well done!
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Bunbry at 18:44 on 29 December 2013
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I counted four characters-Tim,Dave, Jill and Jane. I think this makes my point, no character was really developed sufficiently to become an individual. This is easier to do, the fewer you have.
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BryanW at 19:01 on 29 December 2013
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Whoops. I must have put Jane instead of Jill and didn't spot it when I edited. Thanks for pointing that out - a very basic proof-reading error.
The reason for three characters rather than two was that there was originally an awkward love triangle going on, that I wanted that to become stuck into the loop, but the story became too long to fit the requirements of the challenge, so I cut out big chunks and then sent it in. Clearly I should have left it for an hour or two and then gone through what was left carefully. I may then have also spotted where I needed to say who was speaking!
Thanks again for the comment. Sorry my first reply may have seemed a bit abrupt, too!
Bryan
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