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The Doctor - Chapter 2

by Armadillo 

Posted: 05 December 2013
Word Count: 826
Related Works: The Doctor - Chapter 1 • 

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Charles was struck by his indifference to his wife’s email. “Poor Benjamin’s Asthma has worsened. Don’t be alarmed. Dr Walker says we shouldn’t fly and the spring pollen over there might make it worse. Hope you found the house well enough. Keep in touch, Love Suzie.”
He enjoyed his morning coffee more than he might have. Time on his own would allow him to learn the city, small as it was. It was a big house with dark wooden interiors and doors in unnecessary places. Suzie wouldn’t like it much, but he’d explained they must rent before they settled permanently. Yes, Charles was rather pleased he was given a month’s free-run of the place. He gulped the last of his coffee. Putting on his coat, he left the house without having yet explored the rooms, something he was meaning to do, given the rent was high.
Charles’s slim figure cast a long shadow upon the road as he strolled down towards the train station, sharply defined from the bright morning sun.
The building’s silver exterior shone with a promising brilliance. “Mr Favell?” said the female receptionist.
“Yes,” he smiled, looking about the lofty reception.
“Professor Cotterell is waiting for you on level ten.”
He moved towards the elevators. Professor Coterell’s eminence was enough to make Charles nervous, confident as he was in himself.
“Ah Dr Favell” said Coterell as the lift doors opened
“Call me Charles, please” he said, stepping out of elevator and shaking the professor’s hand.
“Come along then, let me introduce you to the others.” They went along the corridor. The school was a fine one, and Charles’s eyebrows were high on his forehead as he went past the modern machinery. They entered a dim room. Coterell waved down at the medical students through the glass.
“You must be Dr Favell” said a man, appearing from the darkness behind a computer. Charles turned to shake his hand. Coterrell left. They watched him come out through the door and into the main operating room where the students were conducting a heart transplant on a cadaver. The two men watched from the window.
“So this will be your first time teaching?”
“Yes” said Charles. “It was always my intention to teach, and consult part time. But no opportunity arose back home and when I heard you were in need of part time teachers here I thought – yes why not?”
A student was bent down on the floor. The others jumped out of the way as she held her sides and vomited onto the linoleum. Coterell scratched his beard and his smiling eyes were slightly irritated.
“Another one” said Simon.
“Does this happen often?”
“With the new students, there’s always a couple.” The girl raised her head, looking up at Charles and Simon. As deathly white as she was, her cheeks blushed upon seeing the new doctor come to teach them. Her embarrassment might have been minor, had she not seen the Englishman. The girl turned away to hide the drool hanging from her lip, imagining with eyes in the back of her head the tanned broad man staring down at her.
“Is she alright?”
“She’ll be fine. They’ll have her cleaned up. This job isn’t for everybody.”
“Yes,” said Charles, vacantly.

*

Patsy stared at the card in her hand, wishing she had no choice in the matter. She was surprised at her lack in confidence. Perhaps she’d do it in a couple days. She placed the phone back on its cradle. Ah if only she’d given her number to him. The suspense would be great, but oh the trouble in knowing when the right time was. She remained in the silent house for too long. Flinging her hands in the air, she snatched the keys from the dish in the hallway and went outside.
She stood at her doorstep, the flowers in their troughs and the buttery Kowhai trees not attracting her attention this time. She swayed like a person deep in thought, though not so much a daydream, as a daydream is an unrealised contemplation. Patsy’s hand, as narrow as her wrist – or rather her wrist was so fat there was no widening of the palm – turned the doorknob. Re-entering the house, Patsy returned to the sunlit coffee table.
She typed his name into Google: “Charles, heart doctor, England”. Her eyes flew down the screen of her laptop, seeing the hundred pages and confirming her doubt about finding him on the internet. And yet she knew Maryann would find it in a flash, being an expert on such things as Facebook and Linked what’s its.
“Right Mum, I’m off.”
Patsy grabbed the computer screen, and, thinking twice, slowly closed it. “Have a nice day deary.”
“Oh I’ve found the Gavascon for you, it’s on the kitchen bench”.
“Right… right thanks.”
Patsy was in a daydream this time, gazing out at the garden. ‘What am I waiting for?’ she said aloud.






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Comments by other Members



Account Closed at 16:53 on 07 December 2013  Report this post
Hi Armadillo

You have a dryness of humour in this piece which I enjoyed. I particularly liked the opening line 'Charles was struck by his indifference to his wife’s email.' It sets the scene and tells us so much in so few words.

I do have some comments on this piece. These are my views alone and others may feel differently.

This paragraph jumps from a comment about the city to the house. I think there should be a few words in between the first two sentences below. Something such as 'But first he had to start with the house'.

Time on his own would allow him to learn the city, small as it was. It was a big house with dark wooden interiors and doors in unnecessary places. Suzie wouldn’t like it much, but he’d explained they must rent before they settled permanently.


Until this point we had been in Charles' POV but here we are thrust into the girl's POV. If you want to foreshadow a future romance, etc. you could have Charles notice the girl's eyes meet his own and he feels unable to look away, as there seems to be some depth hidden in her gaze (this isn't great but you see what I mean?):

Her embarrassment might have been minor, had she not seen the Englishman. The girl turned away to hide the drool hanging from her lip, imagining with eyes in the back of her head the tanned broad man staring down at her.


If you start a sentence with an -ing, it suggests a continuous action. So here I would expect her to be flinging her hands in the air while she... but in fact she must lower them to snatch the keys. Therefore you would be better saying 'She flung her hands in the air and snatched the keys...':

Flinging her hands in the air, she snatched the keys from the dish in the hallway and went outside.

Here, you could simply say 'She blushed' as it is unlikely she would blush without her cheeks going red:

her cheeks blushed


Gavascon = Gaviscon

I think the following is a show don't tell line. I'd advise you to cut the tell about 'She was surprised at her lack of confidence' and show us her hands shaking as she holds the card and then putting it back down. The 'Perhaps she'd do it in a couple of days' is then a good line to follow on with.

She was surprised at her lack in confidence. Perhaps she’d do it in a couple days.



Is there more to Patsy? Why is she so interested in Charles? There are a lot of unanswered questions and clues being dropped which is excellent.

Good luck with this. I look forward to reading more.



Armadillo at 21:08 on 07 December 2013  Report this post
Hi Sharley

Thanks, these are helpful comments, I totally agree. Something that I wouldn't have picked up on either.

Cheers,
Will post the following chapters in due course.

Wendy Mason at 18:18 on 16 December 2013  Report this post
I enjoyed this chapter and found it quite visual (not sure I wanted to visualise the girl being sick but it worked well).

Just a few points for what they are worth. I found the words:
learn the city,
a bit too abrupt and possibly a lost opportunity (which bits will be interesting to him, what will his freedom allow him to 'learn' about?. I definitely agree with Armadillo's recommendation to add a few words to link the city and the house.

I heard you were in need of part time teachers here I thought – yes why not?”
So when I heard? Possibly a comma after here?


her cheeks blushed upon seeing the new doctor come to teach them
The grammar feels a little uncomfortable here, upon could be at?, and come could either be: had come or was here?

“Yes,” said Charles, vacantly.
How do you say something vacantly, would it be possible to describe his as looking vacant?

Midnight at 22:26 on 29 December 2013  Report this post
Hi Armadillo,

Thanks for sharing your interesting imagination. I liked this. I thought on the whole your chapter flowed well, however I found the choice of certain words rather formal, it's probably just me. It has a good pace. Please remember anyhting I write is just my opinion and others may disagree. Please take from it what is of use to you and ignore the rest.


It was a big house
You have the perfect opportunity to show us the size here. With the dark wooden interior I'm thinking of Victorian panelling. I don't know if I'm right or wrong. Did the dinning room door slaming echo though the large entrace hall? Or perhaps his footsteps echoed to the front door? Or maybe he was out of breath after climbing the stately staircase? There are lots of sounds ect that show us big.

Putting on his coat, he left the house without having yet explored the rooms, something he was meaning to do, given the rent was high.
I'm not quite sure about this. It's the given the rent was high bit. It feels like it's just tagged on at the end.

Charles’s slim figure cast a long shadow upon the road as he strolled down towards the train station, sharply defined from the bright morning sun.
I like this. Nice and visual, but I do have a slight problem with the word slim. Why? Because we are in Charles POV. I think I'd need to know more about him first as as reader to know the answer to this but would he think of himself as slim?

Yes,” he smiled, looking about the lofty reception.
I believe it should be a full stop after yes because he smiled is not a speech tag.

“Ah Dr Favell” said Coterell as the lift doors opened
Comma after Favell because said is a speech tag. Also the full stop is missing from the end of this sentence. I like it when people point out my own typos as I never see them when I read through my work. I see what I think I have written.
The comma is also missing in speech after:
please
Favell
Yes
one

I agree with Sharley about the change in POV when we swap from the doctor to the girl and back to the doctor. I had to reread those lines on the first read to see if I'd missed something. Also is the doctor broad or slim? Or am I miss interpriting something?

I also agree with Wendy about the use of the word vacently. We are in the doctors POV so if he is paying attention to the student you could show us with how his eyes don't leave her when he answers or something similar.

So, at first, I'm guessing that the last section in Patsy POV that Patsy is the student who was throwing up earlier. Then as I read on and on future reads I wonder if Patsy daughter is the student who was throwing up. And my brain is seeking the answers to this nice little hook. :) Great. You have plenty of other little hooks scatteed throughout. Now I'm wondering if Patsy and her daughter look alike and why the doctor was so intersted in the vomiting girl. Or if they aren't linked at all.

She remained in the silent house for too long.
Her daughter is in the house and from the later sentences it seems implied that she was getting ready to go out somewhere as she clearly isn't downstairs. If her daughter is upstairs getting ready I would have presumed music would have been blasted through the house. Just a thought as I read.

Patsy’s hand, as narrow as her wrist – or rather her wrist was so fat there was no widening of the palm – turned the doorknob.
Hmm, she doen't like her wrists. Nice little show of that fact. Clever.

Thank you for sharing this enjoyable read. You have really made me want to know more. A good start I hope to read more in the future.

Good luck with this,

Diane





AlanH at 13:18 on 08 January 2014  Report this post
Hi Armadillo,

What bothers me most about your opening to this chapter is the arbitrariness of it. It seems to me there is no firm idea to grasp on to. I think if all the details were changed (he sipped instead of gulped, the house had unnecessary sinks instead of doors, the city was medium-sized, the rent cheap, etc etc) the end result would be very much the same. I accept I have not read chapter 1, btw.

The first sentence is problematic (for me, maybe not others). I see indifference as a slow-moving thing not something to be struck by. It's like the old political gag of being hit by a dead sheep. Sorry to be downbeat, but I do think the opening of a chapter should have impact.

Other points: The spelling of Coterell isn't consistent. Shouldn't there be a comma after 'Ah'? And when you mention the stroll, why 'down'? and is the shadow sharply-defined or the station?

The action in the next few sentences is really quite minimal in its structure. To know where the characters are is a bit of a challenge, and I wonder why this needs to be. You mention Coterell's eyes, but we are in Charles's pov, and I doubt Charles could see Coterell's eyes in a dim room.

Who is Simon? Who is the Englishman? And the pov shifts to the vomiting girl. I'm lost. 

Sorry, I'm having a hard time. If I read this passage two or three times I might get a better idea.
 
The first para of the second section contains 8 sentences, but there is very little variety in them. They are of approximately the same length and structure. Unfortunately, this para gives me no confidence that the writing will inspire me.
 
I'm also doubtful over the blatant publicity given to commercial organisations. (Linked what's its?)

The issue for me here is one of grabbing the reader, and not letting go. Sorry, but I'm not grabbed. I feel that your style has a place, but in short story or flash fiction. As a longer work (which I presume this is) I think you need more weapons. I hope you see my point.
 
Do counter anything I've said. It's only opinion.







 


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