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A Life

by James Graham 

Posted: 05 December 2013
Word Count: 281
Summary: I've posted two versions, a shorter and a longer one. Extra lines are in bold. Comparisons welcome! (The Castles in the Air poem is now in the forum thread.)


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A Life

A morsel of time, a peek
at the world, was all he had.
He was wide-eyed
when nameless birds wheeled over,
reached both hands to them.
He grinned at donkeys.

He knew his mother’s arms,
his sister’s smile and kiss.

One day, late in life,
he said, ‘Mama’.

He never cried
from loneliness; there were always
faces. He could not help
hunger. Could not help crying
in his last days.

Nothing to nothing.

Let us be ready
for the newborn. Lay out
gifts beside the cot:
gladness, love and water,
and a sufficient helping
of the world’s wealth.

Let the time
between darkness and darkness
be long, and a great feast.

Let us make the world ready
for the new children.



A Life

A morsel of time, a peek
at the world, was all he had.
He was wide-eyed
when nameless birds wheeled over,
reached both hands to them.
He grinned at donkeys.

He knew his mother’s arms,
his sister’s smile and kiss.

One day, late in life,
he said, ‘Umama’.

He began to know
his mother’s absence,
did not know
she was gone for water.


He never cried
from loneliness; there were always
faces. He could not help
hunger. Could not help crying
in his last days.

Nothing to nothing.

Let us be ready
for the newborn. Lay out
gifts beside the cot:
gladness, love and water,
and a sufficient helping
of the world’s wealth.

Let the time
between darkness and darkness
be long, and a great feast.

If only the world
could somehow be made ready

We must think
how to make the world ready

Do it. Work
to make the world ready

for the new children






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Comments by other Members



nickb at 23:22 on 05 December 2013  Report this post
Hi James, I much preferred the first shorter version. To my mind I'm not sure what the additional lines add that you haven't already put across beautifully; in this case perhaps less is more?

There appear to be two distinct parts to this poem, but both are linked by the cycle of life, the certainty of "nothing to nothing". But it is also a celebration of new life. The second part seems to me to be almost in the form of a prayer, and is really uplifting - it certainly make a stormy night a lot brighter.

One thing I'm curious about - I looked up "Umama" and was informed that this was the name of the grand daughter of the Prophet Mohammad. I'm afraid my knowledge in this area is limited, is this a deliberate, specific reference, and if so am I missing some further inferences from it?

Nick

James Graham at 20:05 on 06 December 2013  Report this post
Hi Nick - If I'm not wrong, umama is Xhosa for mother. If it has that other meaning, I'll try to find a word for 'mother' in another African language. Even so, it's amazing how mummy/ mama is virtually the same in so many languages, even those far removed from the Indo-European that we're most familiar with.

The longer version of the ending was meant to show three different modes of thinking about a better world - wishing things could be better, then thinking about it, then taking action. Wishing is probably as far as many people can go, because thinking (about such a massive subject at least) is hard, and as for action - what can we possibly do?

The verse about Mother going for water isn't necessary, and I'll ditch that. But I'll see what people think, one way or another, about the closing lines.

Many thanks for your comment.

James.

<Added>

'Mother' in Swahili is 'mama'! So I've just changed it to that - for now. Maybe there's a word in another language that recognisably means 'mother' but is also recognisably not English!

<Added>

More stuff keeps coming into my head. 'As for action - what can we possibly do?' Those alternative closing lines were meant to say we must somehow get from wishing to thinking to doing. E.g. how to get hold of the trillions stashed away in offshore banks - enough, I've heard, to deal with extreme poverty at least.

FelixBenson at 00:10 on 11 December 2013  Report this post
I much prefer the shorter version too. I'll say more soon. But I really like this poem, very much.

Kirsty

V`yonne at 12:57 on 31 December 2013  Report this post
I like the first one best, James. But you know me I like short stuff. But really I think the longer version detracts rather than adds.

I wanted to wish you a HAPPY HOGMANY and don't forget you're FIRST FOOTING at EDP tomorrow :)

Elsie at 18:16 on 01 January 2014  Report this post
Hello James

I too prefer the shorter version, and there are a couple of bits that perhaps could be snipped further.

I like the juxtaposition of ‘ a peek at the world, was all he had’, and that he was wide eyed - also hinting at innocence.

How he said mama, ‘late in life’ which immediately tells us he is doomed.

I wondered whether there’s a way of describing that not only he could not help hunger, but also did not know what it is - this strange feeling - a feeling he has always had. And because he only needs ‘sufficient’ of the world’s wealth - perhaps a ‘great feast’ is more, much more than what his modest needs would be to stay alive.

I wasn’t sure you need ‘he grinned at donkeys’ - it felt as if it was a slightly oleo childer than the one in the arms of his mother.

There’s also a nice (sad) correlation of laying out gifts, that seems to echo laying out things at a death.



<Added>

Whoops - 'oleo' should read 'older'...

James Graham at 15:40 on 05 January 2014  Report this post
The shorter version is definitely better; the last bit of the longer version is too contrived.

Linda, I like your idea about the child not knowing what hunger is. I'll try to find a way of expressing that, and if I do I'll post a revision. It's a much less obvious, and more thoughtful, thing to say than 'He could not help hunger'.

'He grinned at donkeys' - if he says 'Mama' he must be about a year old, maybe old enough to like donkeys and break into a big smile when he sees one?

Maybe not a great feast - but I'm not sure. I mean there should be more than enough for everyone.

Thanks for all comments.

James.


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