Cartoon script: The Barstewards draft 2
by 
The Bar Stward
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Posted: 13 November 2013 Word Count: 4446 Summary: My studio has been asked to pitch a animation to a production company in Hollywood. This is our first draft. Some of the dialogue needs improving but at the moment I would just like to know what you think of the general script. Thank you We will be making an animatic (storyboard with audio, so they won't see the script, hence if its not formatted 100% correctly, its okay) The Bar stewards is a surreal cartoon comedy about 3 lads who run a bar in a strange seaside town. Related Works: Animation script: Memoirs of a Bar Steward cartoon • |
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THE BAR STEWARDS ANIMATION
Scene 1
The bar. The walls are covered in blood. Suddenly someone sits up into view fast.
Curly: Ahhh!
Millers eyes half open.
Miller: Shuttup Curly, I'm trying to sleep here
Curly: My leg!
Miller: Shut ya lumpy face!
Curly: But it's gone!
Curly looks at Miller and see’s he is using a leg as a pillow
Curly: Argh! Give it back Miller.
Miller: (sleepily mutters) But its such comfy comfy pillow!.
They both look at the leg for a couple of seconds then Curly makes a grab for it.
CURLY: Ahhhh!
They fight for the leg (with pathetic little effort on Millers part) and Curly snatches it.
Curly then tries to put the leg back on but it doesn't seem to match, the foot is facing the wrong way. Curly, whilst trying to reattach his leg, nudges another body off of him and see’s that his other leg is missing!
Curly: Ahhh!
Curly looks at Miller and see’s he has another leg as a pillow
Curly: Gimme the other one!
Miller: You've already got one!
They start pulling the leg between em again. The final head appears and we see Jacob appear, looking at the bar in shock horror (JAWS camera effect, bloody bar spins around his POV until it settles on Miller and Curly tug of warring over leg)
Jacob: (SLOW MO) What the.....................
Curly: He's got me leg Jacob!
Miller: I had it first.
Jacob grabs the leg.
Jacob: (Groans) Give it here! Not one is aving it!....
(Jacob walks off, leg in hand, inspecting the bar)
Jacob: (Jacob rubs head, and slowly and forcefully says) Can anyone remember what happened last night?
MILLER AND EVEN CURLY SHRUG
SCREEN CUTS TO BLACK
RED TEXT: 12 HOURS EARLIER!
Miller is enthusiastically mixing a drinks together in a bubbling, steamy cauldon, laughing manically as he tips in lots of different fluids.
CUT TO:
Jacob is sat at the bar counting his piles of money. On the other side of the bar is a drunk background customer. Next to Jacob is Curly, painting a ridiculous promotion onto a banner.
Curly: Are you sure boss?
Jacob: Its a great idea, midget night! Noone ever thinks of the midgets, they’ll come from far a wide to be at a place where people are considering them first for once....and everyone else will come to see the midgets! Its sheet brilliance
Miller walks into the camera shot with his concoction. Jacob sees it, rolls his eyes.
Miller: My work is finally complete.
Jacob eyes the drink suspiciously.
Jacob: (WITH A SLOW GROAN) What's that Miller?
Miller: My wicked new drink bro! One sip and your totally puff beared! People will love it
Jacob: One drink! That's no good, people needs to buy lots of beer and spend all their money here!
Miller: Ha ha, well here's the magic. Total memory loss man, while they're totally zoned, we'll steal all of their money, and the next day they'll just think they spent it here. Simples click click
Jacob: (excitedly) Yeahhhhhhh, they’ll think they’d had a brilliant time, and come back for more!
Miller: And we’ll rob’em again!
Jacob: Hmmm, interesting, but what’s in it? It won’t kill anyone will it? I want regular drinkers, not one hit wonders.
Miller: I'm not a doctor, lets test it......CURLY! Stop playing with your hamster and get over here
Curly appears and looks closer at the drink which pops loudly when he gets close.
CURLY: Is it safe?
MILLER: (In a caring manner) its perfectly safe friend (smiles)
Jacob: Curly! When the Sergeant tells his troops to go over the top, they don’t stop to ask if its safe! You’ve got a job to do....drink!
CURLY: (Looking at the drink, which seems to be sprouting demons) but, but.......
Jacob: Damnit man! Let noone say I don’t lead from the front!
Jacob snatches another glass from Miller, and downs the shot, while making Curly do so at the same time
Curly’s ears and mouth instantly shoot out with flames and firework type explosions. He runs off screaming.
Jacob: Ha, lightweight. A real man can take a strong drin.....
Jacob suddenly passes out, his body folding and his head hitting the table like a hammer hitting a nail. He is completely unconscious
MILLER: Hmmmm (he rubs his chin and looks at Jacob, who looks completely deranged) I think this might need some more work! (Curly runs back past, head still bursting with flames, sparks and smoke). Miller carries off cauldron.
Cut to Curly running into the lounge where the big screen tv is playing. The flames coming out of his head die down but his manner is still erratic/ crazy. He is babbling like a madman until an advert on the bar big screen TV catches his now child like, simpleton attention and he becomes transfixed on the screen. (Commercial plays) ZOMBIES ZOMBIES ZOMBIES. Curlys looks curious, still a bit deranged but calming down!
ZOMBIES
Curly starts seeing eerie shadows, his bedazzled mind playing tricks on his and the room spins around his head
ZOMBIES!!!!
He hears noises, the shadows become more frightening
ZOMBIES!!!!!!!
He see’s his own crazy reflection in Mirror
ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CURLY: Argh!!!!!!! (He totally freaks out) The zombies are coming
Curly runs off.....................
Camera zooms out, the view goes black and white, then screen goes fuzzy.
BECOMES CCTV VIEW. A single view of the bar
MONTAGE (Music kicks in)
MONTAGE VID 1 -Curly is seen boarding up and next to him are gas canisters labelled explosive
- In background Miller is mixing his drink potion.
Screen fuzzes. Time in corner shows this is 10 minutes later
MONTAGE VID 2 -Carrying a beehive
- Miller gives a drink from his potion to the only customer at the bar. When he drinks it he falls off his stool dead. His ghost raises up and tries to fly away but Miller tries to grab it. You think he is putting it back in the body, but then pushes it into his potion.
Screen fuzzes. Time in corner shows this is 5 minutes later
MONTAGE VID 3 -Carrying a bunch of axes and knives
- Miller pours a drink from his potion into a glass, which comes to life in a puff of smoke, and like the Gingerbread man he runs off, with Miller trying to catch him
Screen fuzzes. Time in corner shows this is 20 minutes later
MONTAGE VID 4 -Curly hacks down a wooden pillar and carries it off
-Miller looks around for another tester, but sees noone, so he gives a drink to the corpse, which springs back to life, but he isn’t normal. he is zombified. Miller hides behind bar, Zombie jumps out of window
Screen fuzzes. Time in corner shows this is 30 minutes later
Jacob doesnt move at all throughout the montage footage
Music ends
CUT TO NORMAL NONE CCTV VIEW
Jacob suddenly sits up. He looks terribly
Jacob: Need water.. water!
Miller fills up a pint glass with the concoction and slides it to Jacob.
Miller: Ere ya go mate
Jacob downs half the pint before staring at the murky liquid.
Jacob: Miller you fu..
JACOBS POINT OF VIEW. THE SCREEN BEGINS TO GO BLACK, BUT NOT BEFORE WE SEE CURLY WALKING PAST CARRYING LOTS OF ROPE, WHICH IS NOW CRISS-CROSSING THE BAR
FADE TO BLACK
STILL JACOBS POINT OF VIEW. WHEN HE OPENS HIS EYES, CURLYS FACE IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM
Curly (to Jacob): I've done it
Jacob: (Wearily) Done what? Whats happened here?
Jacob looks at all the rope everywhere
Curly: No one can get in, we're protected from the zombies! (manic laugh)
Jacob: Zombies?
Curly: Were safe now, perfectly safe..he he ha ha
Jacob: Safe? Safe from Zombies?
Curly: They are out there, everywhere, they could be outside right now!
Jacob stumbles to a big window covered by a curtain, the boards here don't cover the whole window.
Jacob: Curly you moron. There’s no Zombies.
Miller eyes the customer shape hole in the window nervously
Jacob: What the hell have you done to my pub?
Jacob swings back the curtains and outside is full of ghoulish zombies and creatures. They all scream.
CURLY: I told you, its been all over the TV!
Miller hits the ON button on the TV and it shows zombies
The lads scream again
CCTV of outside
Scene shows a hoard of zombies outside
Cut back to inside pub
Jacob shuts the curtains quickly and turns to Curly
Jacob: Come on then! Do something!
Miller smashes a chair and throws a leg to Jacob and Curly. Jacob catches the one chair leg, the second chair leg hits Curly in the groin and flips up and hits him in the head (knocking him over)
Miller: BRING IT ON!
Jacob: Turn the juke box on! LOUD!
MILLER: I know just the tune!
Miller switches on junkbox
Curly: (Sits up) What you turning that on for?
Jacob: Cos Zombies are scared of music!
A song plays loudly (Not the fight song yet, just club music)
Cut to outside, the blaring music attracts more revellers who press into the crowd outside the pub.
Cut back inside. Arms and legs are now coming through. Jacob is attacking the arms wildly. Miller runs over to the light switches and flicks them all on.
Miller: Light scares em!
Curly: No it doesn't!
Miller: Zombies hate sunlight!
Curly: That’s vampires
Curly and Miller fight over the light switches, flicking them on and off.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
Disco lights flash out of windows and music blares. It looks like a rave. The zombie horde numbers swells
CUT BACK TO INSIDE
Arms and legs start bursting through the windows and boarding
A trap door opens up and horrible looking zombies, with lumpy gooey faces, groaning, start to come out of it.
Jacob moves the pool table away from front door, and over the trap door
JACOB: They’re gonna get in. Where the hell is Dad?
MILLER: We’re brown bread man!
Curly: Not yet we’re not
Curly picks up a fuse wire.
Curly: Get behind the bar quick!
JACOB: WHY?
Curly: (Confidentially) Just do it!
The three lads jump behind the bar and peak out
Lots of arms and legs are coming through the windows, door, and from under the pool table
Curly holds up a fuse wire. Jacob and Miller look frightened
CURLY: Don’t be scared lads, this’ll take’em out! I anticipated the zombie horde arrival and so I’ve left them a welcoming present ha ha ha (cut to shot of gas canisters strapped up above front door. The camera then follows fuse line back to curlys hand)
Curly lights the fuse and it sparks off. The flame travels all the way to the canisters outside
CURLY: GET DOWN!
Curly dramatically pushes the lads to the floor and covers his ears
The flame gets to its destination and...................................puff. A tiny bang, just big enough to blow the front door open
The zombies stand in the doorway looking shocked for a second but then they start to scream, waving their arms and the they pile in
JACOB AND MILLER SCREAM
The pool table topples over and more zombies clambering into the bar via the cellar door
JACOB AND MILLER SCREAM AGAIN
JACOB: I can’t go like this, the world needs me! I’m your leader lads, protect me with your lives!
Miller looks at Jacob, and then bites him, drawing blood. He then waves Jacobs arm in the air
MILLER: Eat him first!
JACOB: No!
Jacob and Miller start biting each other
CURLY: Don’t fear! For there is more! (Curly highlights this by flicking the tight rope he has crisscrossing all over the pub)
Curly smashes a bottle and cuts the rope , which causes a bag of hammers to drop. Jacob and Miller look on in amazement
CURLY: Wait for it!
the hammers dislodges a log which rolls down along two pieces of rope, over the heads of the zombies, and knocks over a big standing axe, (The lads gasp in excitement)
CURLY: Wait for it!
The axe then falls past the zombies from the other direction and cuts a rope, which causes a big bag above the Zombies to fall open (The lads gasp in excitement)
CURLY: Wait for it!
Out of the bag falls a big boulder
CURLY: WAIT FOR IT!
The boulder falls on a button, which fires off a tiny dart which hits a zombie in the butt!
Jacob turns to Curly and says ‘I hate you Curly’
We see a Zombie arm throw the dart, which hits Curly in the side of the head
Jacob inspects the advancing horde, which is moving slowly towards them
Jacob hides behind Miller
MILLER: Man up bro! Look at’em, they look like a bunch of ????? We can take’em lads
Miller whacks the jukebox, and another song plays
MILLER: Lets do this! (Miller strikes a fighters pose)
CURLY: BRING IT ON! (Curly slides next to Miller, sidekick stylee)
JACOB: (backing away) I’m right behind you
As the music plays Miller and Curly jump out from behind the bar. POW, BIFF, WHACK. We see arms and legs throwing punches in time with the music, but after a bit the camera pans out to show there punches are missing and they are getting horribly beaten
MILLER: How-ay doing bro?
JACOB: I’m keeping them at bay (camera pulls out to reveal Jacob hiding in the bin behind the bar)
Cut to Jacob in the office watching CCTV with Miller and Curly
CURLY is screaming. He jumps back behind the bar. Jacobs head pops out of bin
Miller jumps back behind the bar, like a soldier jumping into a trench
Lots of arms are reaching over the bar down at them. Miller is swinging a broken chair leg to keep them on the other side of the bar.
MILLER: (to Jacob) What's wrong with him man?
JACOB: I... I... dunno?
CURLY: I’ve been bitten...on the leg
JACOB: KILL HIM, kill him with fire!!!!!!!!
MILLER: We need to cut his leg off? It’ll stop the zombie infection spreading!
They look around
MILLER: But there’s nothing sharp here!
Jacob looks at his own arm wound
JACOB: I’m gonna have to nibble his leg off
CURLY SCREAMS
JACOB: Give him something to bite on!
Miller forces the broken chair leg into his mouth to bite on. As Miller holds this in place, zombies pull at his hair
MILLER: Hurry up man"!
Jacob naws down on Curlys leg. Curly shakes his head in pain
Jacob finally pops back up, bloodied, with a leg in his hand!
JACOB: DONE!
Miller removes the wood
CURLY: You’ve BITTEN OFF THE WRONG LEG! ARGH
MILLER: Classic (ha ha)
Miller forces chair leg back into Curlys mouth and Jacob once again nibbles through a leg!
Curly passes out, legless
Jacob and Miller cower from the vast number of zombies leaning over the bar, trying to grab them
JACOB: What we gonna do?
MILLER: Your always saying your the man with the plan!
JACOB: Lets feed them Curly and run for it!........its what he would of wanted!
CURLY: I’m still alive!
MILLER: Did you hear something?
JACOB: He’ll always be with us inside
CURLY: I feel bet-terrrrrr!
MILLER: (Completely ignoring Curly) Beautiful bro
Jacob and Miller lift up Curly and throw him over the bar to the zombies. Miller then toss a leg over too (explains why he doesnt have them later)
However, the zombies are still surrounding them as before
JACOB: Why aren’t they eating him?
MILLER: He must be dead man! Zombies don’t eat zombies!
JACOB: Goddamn it Curly! Can't do any properly! Well that’s it, we’re on the menu then! .........Oh, hang on!
Jacob spots the bar pets. A hamster cage. He grabs it
JACOB: Curlys hamster! Lets toss him over!
MILLER: Hang on a mo, I might have a solution! Another special brew I’ve been producing
JACOB: Yeah, might as well toast the end! Go out with the class I carried throughout my life.
Jacob spots Curlys other leg and tosses it out mindlessly
MILLER: No, this might help us escape!
JACOB: How?
Miller grabs a potion off of the shelf
MILLER: I need to test it quickly!
Miller pours the potion over the bar pet hamster. The hamster turns from a normal hamster, into a hyper intelligent hamster. He produces glasses from somewhere and straightens a tie and begins to speak in a high cutesy voice
HAMSTER: Oh my, how wonderful. How delightful indeed. Its all so clear to me now. What a wonderful world. Such beauty I can only now comprehend, such........argh!
Jacob reaches in, grabs the hamster and grenade lobs it over the bar
JACOB: Right, it looks safe to drink!
MILLER: Yep. This is my reverse potion! Whilst beer normally makes you worse at everything, this gets you drunk but makes you super pumped for everything, its like super powers man!
JACOB: That hamster did look pretty happy
HAMSTER: (From a distance) Oh the torment of understanding my mortality, argh!!!! I’ll get you Jacob Cox! This isn't the last you'll see of me................arghhhhh
The lads each gulp the potion, and then do a Popeye style reaction.
JACOB: I’m feeling pretty buff Miller
MILLER: Its zombie clobbering time bro!
The two brothers strike fight poses, and then leap over the bar into the Zombie horde.
THE SCREEN FREEZES ON THEM MID JUMP AND THEN BLACKS OUT
RED TEXT: TODAY!
It cuts back to the lads in the bar
Miller is holding fire to the ends of his stumps.
Curly: What are you doing?
Miller: Healing the wound, Rambo style
Curly: No, no, no, I need to reattach my legs
Miller: Nah, have cool peg legs
Curly: I dont want cool peg legs
Miller: Come on man, be cool
Curly: Argh!
Jacob: Shhhh, shut up Curly. Miller, he isn't cool.
Suddenly the trap door flies open. A bloody hand reaches out
THE LADS SCREAM
Suddenly a gooey, lumpy army reaches out of the cellar. Its covered in blood
Jacob: I remember, I remember, Zombies, we were attacked by Zombies! I remember it all!
Miller: Oh yeah
Curly: Hey, you feed me to those zombies
Jacob: Shuttup Curly
A person pops out of the cellar. An older man. His face looks drained of colour and his clothes are covered in blood. He is groaning horribly and crawling along the floor.
JACOB: Its Dads
MILLER: He’s a zombie!
Jacob: We really should put him out of his misery!
MILLER: Yeah! Lets do this as kindly as possible
Miller pulls off Curlys leg (which he has been crudely reattaching) and rushes over to his Dad, beating him over the head and body with Curlys dirty, smelly foot
MILLER: I LOVE YOU DAD! (Smack, bang, wallop)
JACOB: ME TOO!
Jacob pulls off Curlys other leg and runs over, joining in with the beating
The fathers groans start to become more audible
FATHER: Stommmmm, st, st, st, STOP!
Jacob and Miller freezes
FATHER: STOP! For I am not a Zombie! I am your Father!
JACOB AND MILLER: DADDY!
The two lads embrace there now badly battered father for a long hug. Curly crawls into scene and angrily snatches a leg back.
CUT TO: The father is sitting next to a open fire place, in a chair, with a cup of hot tea in hand. The three lads are sat on the floor. Like a cosy scene of a teacher about to read some kids a story, except everyone is covered in blood
MILLER: How come your not a Zombie Dad?
JACOB: How did you survive the horde?
Curly can be seen sewing his legs back on, not engaged, grumbling.
FATHER: As you know my sons (cut to Jacob and Miller listening wide eyed), I like to wet my whistle at the other bars in town....only to spy on the competition of course......
Fade back to the night before (12 hours earlier)
Father looks completely different. No longer is he well spoken, but instead he is a disgraceful mess, with a totally different, drunkard sound and look. He is leary and frequently vomiting. He is a state.
He starts harassing a barmaid, and then he is fighting with the bouncers
FATHERS VOICE OVER CONTINUES:
(What the father says from here is at odds with the reality being shown on screen. The father puts himself across as a gentlemen, where really the reality on screen shows the drunken mess he really is).
I was having a quiet drink in one of the fine rival establishments in our towns (the father is shown to be horribly drunk is a dive of a bar) when I found that it was time for me to be returning home (he is forcefully thrown out of a bar with a violent thud), when I came across a group of fine young men and their lovely ladies, who felt the night still had much merriment to be experienced (they are all as drunk and degenerate as he is)
(We can see the crowd are dressed in Halloween costumes. The pub the father had just been kicked out of, has a banner across the front saying, Halloween Contest)
I explained to them that I was in fact a owner of a public house in this very town and they, and their friends would be welcome to return with me, to continue their night of fun (they are trying to rob him and beat him up because of his actions towards one of the women, but you see him trying to talk himself out of it) but only if they could repay me with one small kindness. It seemed hat I had experienced a mishap and my legs were not up to the journey (the group has broken them), so all I asked was to be helped home (they drag him by the foot)
When we arrived at the front door, it appeared to be locked. We knocked loudly but noone would answer. This seemed quite strange as there appeared to be quite the party taking place (disco lights and music blaring)
However, I had my key on me of course and I gave it to my new friends so that they could enter and carry me in but again our efforts were thwarted. (they rob his key and throw him to the ground. They fail to open the door so try to break in, but find it boarded) It seemed the front door would still not open. It was getting very cold and my old bones does not like such weather, so I assured my new acquiesces that it would be quite okay for them to break a window to unlock the door from the inside. Anyway, all this excitement and activity seemed to stir quite the interest in our little old bar. Whilst my dear friends tried in vain to get into the property, (they try more elaborate ways to break in) other passing crowds started to gather, mistaking my crowd for people waiting to enter a thriving party. I tried to explain to people that this was not the case, but my words fell on deaf ears (people ignore him cos he is so trampy and literally walk over him).
I decided the best course of action would be to try the cellar entrance,
(We see father crawling off to cellar, as he falls down the cellar door, a crowd of people spot him and follow him. As the father and followers disappear down the cellar hole, the camera pans across to the entrance and there is an explosion at the front door, where there is still a big crowd. The front door blows open but people are set on fire and the bee hive falls and starts stinging everyone. Everyone screams for a moment, but the flames quickly disappear and the bees fly off but the people look really mad! Screaming, who did this? People pointing inside of pub and others shouting, lets get them!)
but it seems that those who were convinced that they were missing out on a privileged party decided to follow me, hoping to attain entrance via my alterative route. Its unfortunate that these fellows were quite un-gentlemanly and pushed ahead of me. They tried to gain access through the trap door, but it seems no sooner had they opened it, that it was closed back on them, particularly on their fingers, very hard indeed. They were not best pleased! (We see them kicking him about)
As it seemed I would not be getting inside the pub at the the time, I decided to warm my blood with a brandy and retire for the night where I was. (we see him getting completely rat arsed). The next thing I know, I’m waking up, and upon my person are the bodies of the poorly mannered brutes from last night and it appears they are not in good health at all, in fact, I would say they have no health!
CUTS BACK TO PRESENT DAY
Father finished his tale and takes a sip of his hot coco and Jacob and Miller look at each other in shock
CUT TO BAR
Jacob and Miller are inspecting the bar, and the bodies all around it. Curly is wobbling around on his sewn legs, sweeping up all of the bodies
CURLY: Should I push’em all down the cellar and we can chalk it up to a terrible conga line tragedy?
Miller gives Curly the thumbs up. Curly begins sweeping bodies down the open trap door.
JACOB: I can’t believe we did all of this! All of these dead people, cos of us! Because of these (Jacob looks at his fists)
MILLER: I know, right! How awesome are we, we like, Bruce Lee the dodge balls outta everyone.....(Miller puts an arm around Jacob and makes his own fist) No one messes with the Cox boys!
HARD CUT TO BLACK SCREEN
RED TEXT: 1000 YEARS LATER
The pub is in ruins, it is merely a broken down shell, only just recognisable. Not only is the bar destroyed, but it looks like everything has been destroyed. The sky is bleak. The camera pans to ground level and a group of animals are gathered in a pack. As the camera approaches them, they part and you see a gold statue of the hamster. There is a guide, a solemn talking rat.
RAT: And it was on this very spot that Lord Butt Farts slew 200 giants with his own bare hands, and thus started the war of independence and the eventual destruction of the giant race.
HARD CUT: BLACK SCREEN
END
Scene 1
The bar. The walls are covered in blood. Suddenly someone sits up into view fast.
Curly: Ahhh!
Millers eyes half open.
Miller: Shuttup Curly, I'm trying to sleep here
Curly: My leg!
Miller: Shut ya lumpy face!
Curly: But it's gone!
Curly looks at Miller and see’s he is using a leg as a pillow
Curly: Argh! Give it back Miller.
Miller: (sleepily mutters) But its such comfy comfy pillow!.
They both look at the leg for a couple of seconds then Curly makes a grab for it.
CURLY: Ahhhh!
They fight for the leg (with pathetic little effort on Millers part) and Curly snatches it.
Curly then tries to put the leg back on but it doesn't seem to match, the foot is facing the wrong way. Curly, whilst trying to reattach his leg, nudges another body off of him and see’s that his other leg is missing!
Curly: Ahhh!
Curly looks at Miller and see’s he has another leg as a pillow
Curly: Gimme the other one!
Miller: You've already got one!
They start pulling the leg between em again. The final head appears and we see Jacob appear, looking at the bar in shock horror (JAWS camera effect, bloody bar spins around his POV until it settles on Miller and Curly tug of warring over leg)
Jacob: (SLOW MO) What the.....................
Curly: He's got me leg Jacob!
Miller: I had it first.
Jacob grabs the leg.
Jacob: (Groans) Give it here! Not one is aving it!....
(Jacob walks off, leg in hand, inspecting the bar)
Jacob: (Jacob rubs head, and slowly and forcefully says) Can anyone remember what happened last night?
MILLER AND EVEN CURLY SHRUG
SCREEN CUTS TO BLACK
RED TEXT: 12 HOURS EARLIER!
Miller is enthusiastically mixing a drinks together in a bubbling, steamy cauldon, laughing manically as he tips in lots of different fluids.
CUT TO:
Jacob is sat at the bar counting his piles of money. On the other side of the bar is a drunk background customer. Next to Jacob is Curly, painting a ridiculous promotion onto a banner.
Curly: Are you sure boss?
Jacob: Its a great idea, midget night! Noone ever thinks of the midgets, they’ll come from far a wide to be at a place where people are considering them first for once....and everyone else will come to see the midgets! Its sheet brilliance
Miller walks into the camera shot with his concoction. Jacob sees it, rolls his eyes.
Miller: My work is finally complete.
Jacob eyes the drink suspiciously.
Jacob: (WITH A SLOW GROAN) What's that Miller?
Miller: My wicked new drink bro! One sip and your totally puff beared! People will love it
Jacob: One drink! That's no good, people needs to buy lots of beer and spend all their money here!
Miller: Ha ha, well here's the magic. Total memory loss man, while they're totally zoned, we'll steal all of their money, and the next day they'll just think they spent it here. Simples click click
Jacob: (excitedly) Yeahhhhhhh, they’ll think they’d had a brilliant time, and come back for more!
Miller: And we’ll rob’em again!
Jacob: Hmmm, interesting, but what’s in it? It won’t kill anyone will it? I want regular drinkers, not one hit wonders.
Miller: I'm not a doctor, lets test it......CURLY! Stop playing with your hamster and get over here
Curly appears and looks closer at the drink which pops loudly when he gets close.
CURLY: Is it safe?
MILLER: (In a caring manner) its perfectly safe friend (smiles)
Jacob: Curly! When the Sergeant tells his troops to go over the top, they don’t stop to ask if its safe! You’ve got a job to do....drink!
CURLY: (Looking at the drink, which seems to be sprouting demons) but, but.......
Jacob: Damnit man! Let noone say I don’t lead from the front!
Jacob snatches another glass from Miller, and downs the shot, while making Curly do so at the same time
Curly’s ears and mouth instantly shoot out with flames and firework type explosions. He runs off screaming.
Jacob: Ha, lightweight. A real man can take a strong drin.....
Jacob suddenly passes out, his body folding and his head hitting the table like a hammer hitting a nail. He is completely unconscious
MILLER: Hmmmm (he rubs his chin and looks at Jacob, who looks completely deranged) I think this might need some more work! (Curly runs back past, head still bursting with flames, sparks and smoke). Miller carries off cauldron.
Cut to Curly running into the lounge where the big screen tv is playing. The flames coming out of his head die down but his manner is still erratic/ crazy. He is babbling like a madman until an advert on the bar big screen TV catches his now child like, simpleton attention and he becomes transfixed on the screen. (Commercial plays) ZOMBIES ZOMBIES ZOMBIES. Curlys looks curious, still a bit deranged but calming down!
ZOMBIES
Curly starts seeing eerie shadows, his bedazzled mind playing tricks on his and the room spins around his head
ZOMBIES!!!!
He hears noises, the shadows become more frightening
ZOMBIES!!!!!!!
He see’s his own crazy reflection in Mirror
ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CURLY: Argh!!!!!!! (He totally freaks out) The zombies are coming
Curly runs off.....................
Camera zooms out, the view goes black and white, then screen goes fuzzy.
BECOMES CCTV VIEW. A single view of the bar
MONTAGE (Music kicks in)
MONTAGE VID 1 -Curly is seen boarding up and next to him are gas canisters labelled explosive
- In background Miller is mixing his drink potion.
Screen fuzzes. Time in corner shows this is 10 minutes later
MONTAGE VID 2 -Carrying a beehive
- Miller gives a drink from his potion to the only customer at the bar. When he drinks it he falls off his stool dead. His ghost raises up and tries to fly away but Miller tries to grab it. You think he is putting it back in the body, but then pushes it into his potion.
Screen fuzzes. Time in corner shows this is 5 minutes later
MONTAGE VID 3 -Carrying a bunch of axes and knives
- Miller pours a drink from his potion into a glass, which comes to life in a puff of smoke, and like the Gingerbread man he runs off, with Miller trying to catch him
Screen fuzzes. Time in corner shows this is 20 minutes later
MONTAGE VID 4 -Curly hacks down a wooden pillar and carries it off
-Miller looks around for another tester, but sees noone, so he gives a drink to the corpse, which springs back to life, but he isn’t normal. he is zombified. Miller hides behind bar, Zombie jumps out of window
Screen fuzzes. Time in corner shows this is 30 minutes later
Jacob doesnt move at all throughout the montage footage
Music ends
CUT TO NORMAL NONE CCTV VIEW
Jacob suddenly sits up. He looks terribly
Jacob: Need water.. water!
Miller fills up a pint glass with the concoction and slides it to Jacob.
Miller: Ere ya go mate
Jacob downs half the pint before staring at the murky liquid.
Jacob: Miller you fu..
JACOBS POINT OF VIEW. THE SCREEN BEGINS TO GO BLACK, BUT NOT BEFORE WE SEE CURLY WALKING PAST CARRYING LOTS OF ROPE, WHICH IS NOW CRISS-CROSSING THE BAR
FADE TO BLACK
STILL JACOBS POINT OF VIEW. WHEN HE OPENS HIS EYES, CURLYS FACE IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM
Curly (to Jacob): I've done it
Jacob: (Wearily) Done what? Whats happened here?
Jacob looks at all the rope everywhere
Curly: No one can get in, we're protected from the zombies! (manic laugh)
Jacob: Zombies?
Curly: Were safe now, perfectly safe..he he ha ha
Jacob: Safe? Safe from Zombies?
Curly: They are out there, everywhere, they could be outside right now!
Jacob stumbles to a big window covered by a curtain, the boards here don't cover the whole window.
Jacob: Curly you moron. There’s no Zombies.
Miller eyes the customer shape hole in the window nervously
Jacob: What the hell have you done to my pub?
Jacob swings back the curtains and outside is full of ghoulish zombies and creatures. They all scream.
CURLY: I told you, its been all over the TV!
Miller hits the ON button on the TV and it shows zombies
The lads scream again
CCTV of outside
Scene shows a hoard of zombies outside
Cut back to inside pub
Jacob shuts the curtains quickly and turns to Curly
Jacob: Come on then! Do something!
Miller smashes a chair and throws a leg to Jacob and Curly. Jacob catches the one chair leg, the second chair leg hits Curly in the groin and flips up and hits him in the head (knocking him over)
Miller: BRING IT ON!
Jacob: Turn the juke box on! LOUD!
MILLER: I know just the tune!
Miller switches on junkbox
Curly: (Sits up) What you turning that on for?
Jacob: Cos Zombies are scared of music!
A song plays loudly (Not the fight song yet, just club music)
Cut to outside, the blaring music attracts more revellers who press into the crowd outside the pub.
Cut back inside. Arms and legs are now coming through. Jacob is attacking the arms wildly. Miller runs over to the light switches and flicks them all on.
Miller: Light scares em!
Curly: No it doesn't!
Miller: Zombies hate sunlight!
Curly: That’s vampires
Curly and Miller fight over the light switches, flicking them on and off.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
Disco lights flash out of windows and music blares. It looks like a rave. The zombie horde numbers swells
CUT BACK TO INSIDE
Arms and legs start bursting through the windows and boarding
A trap door opens up and horrible looking zombies, with lumpy gooey faces, groaning, start to come out of it.
Jacob moves the pool table away from front door, and over the trap door
JACOB: They’re gonna get in. Where the hell is Dad?
MILLER: We’re brown bread man!
Curly: Not yet we’re not
Curly picks up a fuse wire.
Curly: Get behind the bar quick!
JACOB: WHY?
Curly: (Confidentially) Just do it!
The three lads jump behind the bar and peak out
Lots of arms and legs are coming through the windows, door, and from under the pool table
Curly holds up a fuse wire. Jacob and Miller look frightened
CURLY: Don’t be scared lads, this’ll take’em out! I anticipated the zombie horde arrival and so I’ve left them a welcoming present ha ha ha (cut to shot of gas canisters strapped up above front door. The camera then follows fuse line back to curlys hand)
Curly lights the fuse and it sparks off. The flame travels all the way to the canisters outside
CURLY: GET DOWN!
Curly dramatically pushes the lads to the floor and covers his ears
The flame gets to its destination and...................................puff. A tiny bang, just big enough to blow the front door open
The zombies stand in the doorway looking shocked for a second but then they start to scream, waving their arms and the they pile in
JACOB AND MILLER SCREAM
The pool table topples over and more zombies clambering into the bar via the cellar door
JACOB AND MILLER SCREAM AGAIN
JACOB: I can’t go like this, the world needs me! I’m your leader lads, protect me with your lives!
Miller looks at Jacob, and then bites him, drawing blood. He then waves Jacobs arm in the air
MILLER: Eat him first!
JACOB: No!
Jacob and Miller start biting each other
CURLY: Don’t fear! For there is more! (Curly highlights this by flicking the tight rope he has crisscrossing all over the pub)
Curly smashes a bottle and cuts the rope , which causes a bag of hammers to drop. Jacob and Miller look on in amazement
CURLY: Wait for it!
the hammers dislodges a log which rolls down along two pieces of rope, over the heads of the zombies, and knocks over a big standing axe, (The lads gasp in excitement)
CURLY: Wait for it!
The axe then falls past the zombies from the other direction and cuts a rope, which causes a big bag above the Zombies to fall open (The lads gasp in excitement)
CURLY: Wait for it!
Out of the bag falls a big boulder
CURLY: WAIT FOR IT!
The boulder falls on a button, which fires off a tiny dart which hits a zombie in the butt!
Jacob turns to Curly and says ‘I hate you Curly’
We see a Zombie arm throw the dart, which hits Curly in the side of the head
Jacob inspects the advancing horde, which is moving slowly towards them
Jacob hides behind Miller
MILLER: Man up bro! Look at’em, they look like a bunch of ????? We can take’em lads
Miller whacks the jukebox, and another song plays
MILLER: Lets do this! (Miller strikes a fighters pose)
CURLY: BRING IT ON! (Curly slides next to Miller, sidekick stylee)
JACOB: (backing away) I’m right behind you
As the music plays Miller and Curly jump out from behind the bar. POW, BIFF, WHACK. We see arms and legs throwing punches in time with the music, but after a bit the camera pans out to show there punches are missing and they are getting horribly beaten
MILLER: How-ay doing bro?
JACOB: I’m keeping them at bay (camera pulls out to reveal Jacob hiding in the bin behind the bar)
Cut to Jacob in the office watching CCTV with Miller and Curly
CURLY is screaming. He jumps back behind the bar. Jacobs head pops out of bin
Miller jumps back behind the bar, like a soldier jumping into a trench
Lots of arms are reaching over the bar down at them. Miller is swinging a broken chair leg to keep them on the other side of the bar.
MILLER: (to Jacob) What's wrong with him man?
JACOB: I... I... dunno?
CURLY: I’ve been bitten...on the leg
JACOB: KILL HIM, kill him with fire!!!!!!!!
MILLER: We need to cut his leg off? It’ll stop the zombie infection spreading!
They look around
MILLER: But there’s nothing sharp here!
Jacob looks at his own arm wound
JACOB: I’m gonna have to nibble his leg off
CURLY SCREAMS
JACOB: Give him something to bite on!
Miller forces the broken chair leg into his mouth to bite on. As Miller holds this in place, zombies pull at his hair
MILLER: Hurry up man"!
Jacob naws down on Curlys leg. Curly shakes his head in pain
Jacob finally pops back up, bloodied, with a leg in his hand!
JACOB: DONE!
Miller removes the wood
CURLY: You’ve BITTEN OFF THE WRONG LEG! ARGH
MILLER: Classic (ha ha)
Miller forces chair leg back into Curlys mouth and Jacob once again nibbles through a leg!
Curly passes out, legless
Jacob and Miller cower from the vast number of zombies leaning over the bar, trying to grab them
JACOB: What we gonna do?
MILLER: Your always saying your the man with the plan!
JACOB: Lets feed them Curly and run for it!........its what he would of wanted!
CURLY: I’m still alive!
MILLER: Did you hear something?
JACOB: He’ll always be with us inside
CURLY: I feel bet-terrrrrr!
MILLER: (Completely ignoring Curly) Beautiful bro
Jacob and Miller lift up Curly and throw him over the bar to the zombies. Miller then toss a leg over too (explains why he doesnt have them later)
However, the zombies are still surrounding them as before
JACOB: Why aren’t they eating him?
MILLER: He must be dead man! Zombies don’t eat zombies!
JACOB: Goddamn it Curly! Can't do any properly! Well that’s it, we’re on the menu then! .........Oh, hang on!
Jacob spots the bar pets. A hamster cage. He grabs it
JACOB: Curlys hamster! Lets toss him over!
MILLER: Hang on a mo, I might have a solution! Another special brew I’ve been producing
JACOB: Yeah, might as well toast the end! Go out with the class I carried throughout my life.
Jacob spots Curlys other leg and tosses it out mindlessly
MILLER: No, this might help us escape!
JACOB: How?
Miller grabs a potion off of the shelf
MILLER: I need to test it quickly!
Miller pours the potion over the bar pet hamster. The hamster turns from a normal hamster, into a hyper intelligent hamster. He produces glasses from somewhere and straightens a tie and begins to speak in a high cutesy voice
HAMSTER: Oh my, how wonderful. How delightful indeed. Its all so clear to me now. What a wonderful world. Such beauty I can only now comprehend, such........argh!
Jacob reaches in, grabs the hamster and grenade lobs it over the bar
JACOB: Right, it looks safe to drink!
MILLER: Yep. This is my reverse potion! Whilst beer normally makes you worse at everything, this gets you drunk but makes you super pumped for everything, its like super powers man!
JACOB: That hamster did look pretty happy
HAMSTER: (From a distance) Oh the torment of understanding my mortality, argh!!!! I’ll get you Jacob Cox! This isn't the last you'll see of me................arghhhhh
The lads each gulp the potion, and then do a Popeye style reaction.
JACOB: I’m feeling pretty buff Miller
MILLER: Its zombie clobbering time bro!
The two brothers strike fight poses, and then leap over the bar into the Zombie horde.
THE SCREEN FREEZES ON THEM MID JUMP AND THEN BLACKS OUT
RED TEXT: TODAY!
It cuts back to the lads in the bar
Miller is holding fire to the ends of his stumps.
Curly: What are you doing?
Miller: Healing the wound, Rambo style
Curly: No, no, no, I need to reattach my legs
Miller: Nah, have cool peg legs
Curly: I dont want cool peg legs
Miller: Come on man, be cool
Curly: Argh!
Jacob: Shhhh, shut up Curly. Miller, he isn't cool.
Suddenly the trap door flies open. A bloody hand reaches out
THE LADS SCREAM
Suddenly a gooey, lumpy army reaches out of the cellar. Its covered in blood
Jacob: I remember, I remember, Zombies, we were attacked by Zombies! I remember it all!
Miller: Oh yeah
Curly: Hey, you feed me to those zombies
Jacob: Shuttup Curly
A person pops out of the cellar. An older man. His face looks drained of colour and his clothes are covered in blood. He is groaning horribly and crawling along the floor.
JACOB: Its Dads
MILLER: He’s a zombie!
Jacob: We really should put him out of his misery!
MILLER: Yeah! Lets do this as kindly as possible
Miller pulls off Curlys leg (which he has been crudely reattaching) and rushes over to his Dad, beating him over the head and body with Curlys dirty, smelly foot
MILLER: I LOVE YOU DAD! (Smack, bang, wallop)
JACOB: ME TOO!
Jacob pulls off Curlys other leg and runs over, joining in with the beating
The fathers groans start to become more audible
FATHER: Stommmmm, st, st, st, STOP!
Jacob and Miller freezes
FATHER: STOP! For I am not a Zombie! I am your Father!
JACOB AND MILLER: DADDY!
The two lads embrace there now badly battered father for a long hug. Curly crawls into scene and angrily snatches a leg back.
CUT TO: The father is sitting next to a open fire place, in a chair, with a cup of hot tea in hand. The three lads are sat on the floor. Like a cosy scene of a teacher about to read some kids a story, except everyone is covered in blood
MILLER: How come your not a Zombie Dad?
JACOB: How did you survive the horde?
Curly can be seen sewing his legs back on, not engaged, grumbling.
FATHER: As you know my sons (cut to Jacob and Miller listening wide eyed), I like to wet my whistle at the other bars in town....only to spy on the competition of course......
Fade back to the night before (12 hours earlier)
Father looks completely different. No longer is he well spoken, but instead he is a disgraceful mess, with a totally different, drunkard sound and look. He is leary and frequently vomiting. He is a state.
He starts harassing a barmaid, and then he is fighting with the bouncers
FATHERS VOICE OVER CONTINUES:
(What the father says from here is at odds with the reality being shown on screen. The father puts himself across as a gentlemen, where really the reality on screen shows the drunken mess he really is).
I was having a quiet drink in one of the fine rival establishments in our towns (the father is shown to be horribly drunk is a dive of a bar) when I found that it was time for me to be returning home (he is forcefully thrown out of a bar with a violent thud), when I came across a group of fine young men and their lovely ladies, who felt the night still had much merriment to be experienced (they are all as drunk and degenerate as he is)
(We can see the crowd are dressed in Halloween costumes. The pub the father had just been kicked out of, has a banner across the front saying, Halloween Contest)
I explained to them that I was in fact a owner of a public house in this very town and they, and their friends would be welcome to return with me, to continue their night of fun (they are trying to rob him and beat him up because of his actions towards one of the women, but you see him trying to talk himself out of it) but only if they could repay me with one small kindness. It seemed hat I had experienced a mishap and my legs were not up to the journey (the group has broken them), so all I asked was to be helped home (they drag him by the foot)
When we arrived at the front door, it appeared to be locked. We knocked loudly but noone would answer. This seemed quite strange as there appeared to be quite the party taking place (disco lights and music blaring)
However, I had my key on me of course and I gave it to my new friends so that they could enter and carry me in but again our efforts were thwarted. (they rob his key and throw him to the ground. They fail to open the door so try to break in, but find it boarded) It seemed the front door would still not open. It was getting very cold and my old bones does not like such weather, so I assured my new acquiesces that it would be quite okay for them to break a window to unlock the door from the inside. Anyway, all this excitement and activity seemed to stir quite the interest in our little old bar. Whilst my dear friends tried in vain to get into the property, (they try more elaborate ways to break in) other passing crowds started to gather, mistaking my crowd for people waiting to enter a thriving party. I tried to explain to people that this was not the case, but my words fell on deaf ears (people ignore him cos he is so trampy and literally walk over him).
I decided the best course of action would be to try the cellar entrance,
(We see father crawling off to cellar, as he falls down the cellar door, a crowd of people spot him and follow him. As the father and followers disappear down the cellar hole, the camera pans across to the entrance and there is an explosion at the front door, where there is still a big crowd. The front door blows open but people are set on fire and the bee hive falls and starts stinging everyone. Everyone screams for a moment, but the flames quickly disappear and the bees fly off but the people look really mad! Screaming, who did this? People pointing inside of pub and others shouting, lets get them!)
but it seems that those who were convinced that they were missing out on a privileged party decided to follow me, hoping to attain entrance via my alterative route. Its unfortunate that these fellows were quite un-gentlemanly and pushed ahead of me. They tried to gain access through the trap door, but it seems no sooner had they opened it, that it was closed back on them, particularly on their fingers, very hard indeed. They were not best pleased! (We see them kicking him about)
As it seemed I would not be getting inside the pub at the the time, I decided to warm my blood with a brandy and retire for the night where I was. (we see him getting completely rat arsed). The next thing I know, I’m waking up, and upon my person are the bodies of the poorly mannered brutes from last night and it appears they are not in good health at all, in fact, I would say they have no health!
CUTS BACK TO PRESENT DAY
Father finished his tale and takes a sip of his hot coco and Jacob and Miller look at each other in shock
CUT TO BAR
Jacob and Miller are inspecting the bar, and the bodies all around it. Curly is wobbling around on his sewn legs, sweeping up all of the bodies
CURLY: Should I push’em all down the cellar and we can chalk it up to a terrible conga line tragedy?
Miller gives Curly the thumbs up. Curly begins sweeping bodies down the open trap door.
JACOB: I can’t believe we did all of this! All of these dead people, cos of us! Because of these (Jacob looks at his fists)
MILLER: I know, right! How awesome are we, we like, Bruce Lee the dodge balls outta everyone.....(Miller puts an arm around Jacob and makes his own fist) No one messes with the Cox boys!
HARD CUT TO BLACK SCREEN
RED TEXT: 1000 YEARS LATER
The pub is in ruins, it is merely a broken down shell, only just recognisable. Not only is the bar destroyed, but it looks like everything has been destroyed. The sky is bleak. The camera pans to ground level and a group of animals are gathered in a pack. As the camera approaches them, they part and you see a gold statue of the hamster. There is a guide, a solemn talking rat.
RAT: And it was on this very spot that Lord Butt Farts slew 200 giants with his own bare hands, and thus started the war of independence and the eventual destruction of the giant race.
HARD CUT: BLACK SCREEN
END
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