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Child of the Valley ch.2

by gavink 

Posted: 03 October 2013
Word Count: 2451
Summary: Anyone who kindly commented on ch.1 may be slightly puzzled by the setting of this chapter, over a 100 years earlier than ch.1. However, it is imagined as taking place in the same constricted, provincial Welsh valley and the teenage protagonist and her father echo the characters in the futuristic setting. I haven't done much to alter this chapter since originally writing it about a year ago. Any comments, however forthright, are welcome!


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Chapter 2

Blydwan, 1910


Caged, the men descended the mineshaft until a metallic clatter indicated that the lift had come to a halt. They stepped out into a pool of blackness, lamps held aloft. They walked along a tunnel, interspersed with doors to assist ventilation, until they reached the seams they were due to mine. Pairs of men entered dark alcoves crutched with wooden joists. There was scarcely enough room for the men to fully swing their pickaxes, but they would occupy this space, stooping, while the sun shone over the mountains above.

Eli Jones had dark brown hair, like the mane of a bay pit pony. He was in his forties, with a muscular physique, but also something of a pot belly from pints at the colliery social club. Though he had lived in Blydwan all his life, he was deeply inquisitive about the wider world, which he knew from the papers was teetering on the edge of precipitous change.

‘How’s your Arthur?’ asked Eli’s colleague Tony, once they had settled into a steady rhythm, hacking the coal away from the surrounding rock.

‘He’s fine. He’s going to take the test for grammar school, hope he can make something of his life from that. Apparently there’s a good rugby coach at the grammar as well.’

‘There’s tidy! More of a reason for going than that high-falutin’ stuff they teach ’em. Can’t see the point of some of them things, like Latin and so forth.’

‘But I don’t want him to end up down by here. No life for a bright boy digging coal, is it?’

‘How you going to keep him through all that education, Eli? I’m sure lots of people would like their children flouncing around grammar schools, putting off going to work; but some of them have to get a job to feed their families.’

‘It’ll be worth it in the long run. It would be nice if Philip could go as well when it’s his turn, though that might be a stretch financially… anyway Morgana’s left school now so we’ve got some extra money coming in.’

‘What’s she doing?’

‘She’s been working at David Parry’s shop, but he won’t offer her full time.Bit protective of jobs for the family. Morgana might go into service.’

‘Whereabouts?’ Tony’s deepset eyes narrowed under his black brows, not that Eli could notice in the gloom. Tony did not like the idea of kowtowing to the gentry, but domestic service was still a steady, popular profession, particularly for girls.

‘I’ve heard there’s a job at Harstone. A friend of mine knows Rhodri Owen, the butler; apparently he’s a good bloke.’

‘It’s not so much what the butler’s like you need to worry about. It’s the nobs.’

Eli fell silent and did not converse again until their first stint was completed and the full carts of coal were due to be hurried to the surface. This took place along a network of tunnels as labyrinthine as the London tube, pit ponies facilitating an operation that had once been entrusted to children. Tony was ignorant of history and seemed quite content with his lot; but Eli realised that not long ago, his eldest son Arthur, aged eleven, could have been employed at Blydwan Colliery.

When they completed their eight hour shift, the day was already dimming, as it was early spring and the miners did not have the recompense of a sunlit evening.

They washed in a large communal baths. In this respect Blydwan boasted better facilities than many of its rivals, where workers would be turfed out, blackened, on to the street before wending their way home to a tin tub before the fire.

There was a spirit of camaraderie about the bathing, a relief from the miners’ monotonous daily incarceration. Men would surreptitiously compare their
endowments with those of their colleagues, or try to read the names on tattoos, maybe women they no longer loved. Eli Jones certainly loved his wife, Gwen, but was often
too exhausted from the demands of his job to indulge in amorous activity. His mind was focussed on the prospect of having his tea promptly placed in front of him.

After leaving the colliery, Eli walked along Blydwan’s main street then turned left towards his own house, part of a terrace with a pebble-dash frontage and roofed with slate. The welcoming sight of a glowing fire, flinging shadows across the front room, reminded him why he endured the tedium of mining. Morgana was meticulously laying the table for their evening meal, auburn hair cascading over her face when she leant forward. She wore a coffee-coloured pinafore dress, slightly too large for her slender frame; it sagged somewhat over the line of her modest breasts.

‘Hello!’ said Eli genially, opening the front door.

‘Hello, darling,’ responded his wife, Gwen. She had a clean and wholesome complexion, though with crow’s feet developing around her eyes. Her sandy hair was scraped into a bun at the back of her head.

‘Dinner’s ready soon,’ she said. She kissed Eli mechanically then returned to the kitchen.

They ate their dinner in the front room on a table spread with a cloth like an oversized doily. The meal consisted of bacon and potatoes, though Eli afterwards demanded some bread and dripping, saved from a roast at the weekend. He said little until he had finished eating, then asked his sons, Arthur and Philip, how their school day had been. When he turned to Morgana, who was clearing away the dinner plates as silently as she had laid them, Eli felt embarrassed and hesitated for a moment before speaking.

‘Busy at the shop today?’

‘Not particularly,’ replied Morgana in a terse and defensive manner. However, this gave Eli an opening for his next move.

‘I really think you should take up that vacancy at Harstone. It’s one of the most prestigious places to work in the valleys. Lovely surroundings…’

‘And work for the Ashen-Hills?’ interjected Gwen fiercely. ‘Don’t you think that’s hypocrisy? You’re in the union - you’re meant to be fighting for better conditions for the miners – then you want Morgana to go off and serve the idle rich.’

‘Service is still a good solid profession,’ said Eli. ‘Morgana’s not getting anywhere at the Parrys’ shop. This’ll be a great opportunity for her. She could rise up to become a housekeeper or a cook: they earn quite a decent wage.’

‘Are you going to listen to my views at all?’ demanded Morgana, looking as though she was on the verge of tears. She felt, since her parents were conducting a
conversation over her head, that she was already in a situation similar to a domestic servant. ‘Or are you just trying to get rid of me?’

‘Of course we don’t want to get rid of you,’ said Gwen, reaching out and clutching Morgana’s hand. ‘Eli’s only concerned that he’s struggling on his wages to keep us all.’

‘Yes, think of the family,’ said Eli. ‘I really want the best for all of you.’

‘I’ll consider it. But I want to know what I’m letting myself in for by there.What will it be like?’

‘Well, the Ashen-Hills are very wealthy and have owned the land the colliery stands on for generations. I’ve occasionally seen Lord Edward, the head of the family, visiting the mine, but he wouldn’t talk to the likes of me. He tends to get shown round by George Lawrence, who tells him whatever he wants to hear.

‘Apparently, a lot of extravagant parties are held at Harstone - that’s when your role becomes particularly important. The Ashen-Hills wouldn’t make a good impression on their guests if there wasn’t a high standard among the domestic staff, ensuring everything’s running smoothly. All the plate would have to be polished, never mind the furniture, and I expect you’d be scrubbing the floors as well…’

Morgana stood stony-faced, then retreated into the kitchen where she and her mother would wash up. Her father was not sure whether her silence conveyed acquiescence into the role he had suggested or resentment at the thought of it. He followed his daughter into the kitchen and leant on the edge of an oak dresser.

‘Please, my dear. It might be for a couple of years - I know that seems a long time to you - then you could move on. I’ve been down the pit more than twenty
years of my life.’

Dark. Damp. Dust. The threat of explosion. What her father had told her of the mines reminded Morgana that domestic service was almost appealing by comparison.

‘All right. But if I didn’t love you, I’d never do it, never.’

Eli felt a sense of relief and embraced his daughter. When the dishes were put away, he, Gwen and Morgana sat by the fire. The boys were playing outside on a scrubby strip of grass, flinging a semi-deflated ball at each other.

Eli perused the paper, which was headlined with an article about Edward VII. The king, a famously heavy smoker, had collapsed whilst staying in Biarritz and his
health was in a very fragile state. Meanwhile, in London, Herbert Asquith, the prime minister, was trying to get a finance bill passed. He was encountering opposition from
the House of Lords, who were displeased about the proposal to enhance the nation’s revenue by increasing land taxes. Such an imposition was hardly liable to ingratiate the Liberal government of the day with the aristocracy, who still dominated the upper chamber of Parliament. The budget that had dared to contain this proposal had been overseen by David Lloyd George; Chancellor of the Exchequer, reformer, Welshman.

‘Oh dear, the old devil’s not very well,’ Eli declared, displaying the page about King Edward to his wife.

‘What is it? Syphilis?’ asked Gwen bluntly.

‘Don’t say that in front of Morgana!’ exclaimed Eli.

‘I think if someone lives a life of sin, it’s bound to catch up with them in the end.’

‘I’ve heard he’s affable beyond, very nice fellow. Lot of folk call him the “Peacemaker”.’

‘All very well what folk say. Say he’s also against votes for women.’

‘Right little suffragette you are!’ laughed Eli. ‘ I don’t know if I could cope with you with more power!’

The comment was directed at Gwen, but Morgana also felt stung by it. She looked beyond the reach of the firelight, at a chink in the curtains that revealed a swatch of sootblack sky. She would soon be gone from this place.

Eli did not return to the subject of politics that evening. Though many changes were afoot in society, some he welcomed but not others. He approved of the social reforms of the ‘People’s Budget’, the rising power of the trade unions and the creation of labour exchanges to assist the unemployed. But he was not so sure about female emancipation. The prospect of a man’s patriarchal dominance being eroded, whether it was in his own home or the workplace, was not a pleasing one to contemplate.

‘I’ve been asked to do a reading in chapel this Sunday,’ said Morgana, turning towards her father and trying to rouse him from his postprandial slump.

‘Oh, that’s great, girl, I’m very proud of you.’

‘A passage from the Psalms. The minister says I’m doing very well at the scripture class.’

‘All right, I’ll try and be restrained Saturday night so I look my best for the service. I’m expecting Blydwan to beat Pontypridd in the rugby - easy match that - so I had been fancying having a few beers after.’

‘I certainly don’t want you getting blotto,’ Gwen commented censoriously.

‘As it says in Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, “Know you not that you are the temple of God?”’

‘All right, we know you’ve already got your scripture knowledge certificate! Don’t try and steal Morgana’s thunder.’

Morgana decided she had had enough of her parents debating for that evening. She retreated to her bedroom, where she sat down on the counterpane. Dark furniture cluttered the confined space; floral paper covered the walls. Shelving beside a wardrobe propped up a few books: the Bible, a Methodist hymnal and some hand-me-down copies of Victorian novels. Morgana had recently started reading one that featured a young woman who, after a deprived childhood and a spell at a hateful school, became a teacher and governess. Such stories gave Morgana a visceral thrill.

She shut the door and lay down on the bed, just as her brothers thudded upstairs to the adjacent room. Voices burbled constantly for the next half hour until their mother came up to hound them to bed. Morgana could not quite make out the conversation, but the boys seemed to be playing marbles, which involved the added intricacies of concealing the gleaming, glass balls behind the legs of the beds or avoiding losing them down cracks between the floorboards. She felt too distracted to concentrate on reading until her brothers had quietened down. She brushed out the tangles from her hair and gazed at her reflection in an oval mirror, set upon the wall. She disrobed to her petticoats and scrutinised her figure, wondering whether her bust had grown to its full amplitude or whether there was still some enhancement to come.

Morgana eventually settled to her book, opening it at the following passage:

“It is a very strange sensation to inexperienced youth, to feel itself quite alone in the world, cut adrift from every connection, uncertain whether the port to which it
is bound can be reached and prevented by many impediments from returning to that it has quitted. The charm of adventure sweetens that sensation, the glow of pride warms it; but then the throb of fear disturbs it; and fear with me became predominant…"

‘Morgana!’

Eli was striking the door.

Morgana got up and, stuffing the book below the counterpane, let her father enter.

‘How about you write a letter,’ he said, ‘explaining your interest in the position at Harstone? Then your mother can drop it to Evans the post tomorrow.’

‘Not tonight, it’s too late now…but I’ll do it as soon as I can.’

Eli seemed satisfied and left to retire to bed himself.

Noise drifted up from the streets outside, young men returning home from the local. Their voices carried over the slag heaps at the edge of the colliery, over the
austere frontages of the Baptist and Methodist chapels, even over the sports ground that lay on the fringes of the town, further down the valley. The main road twisted as it left Blydwan, then straightened, chasing a river, heading for a lush, green fold of meadows that marked the boundary of the Ashen-Hills’ estate.







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Comments by other Members



rescuedonkey at 20:41 on 05 October 2013  Report this post
Hi Gavink,

I scanned through your previous chapter and I like the premise of weaving together two timelines.

Some detailed comments on your second chapter:

They walked along a tunnel, interspersed with doors to assist ventilation, until they reached the seams they were due to mine. Pairs of men entered dark alcoves crutched with wooden joists.
- suggest paing this down to 'They walked along a tunnel interspered with doors, entering dark alcoves in pairs.' or something like that.

There was scarcely enough room for the men to fully swing their pickaxes, but they would occupy this space, stooping, while the sun shone over the mountains above.
Instead of 'but they would occupy this space' maybe use something like 'but here they would be, stooping...'

Though he had lived in Blydwan all his life, he was deeply inquisitive about the wider world, which he knew from the papers was teetering on the edge of precipitous change.
- perhaps you could show his inquisitive nature by him having a newspaper always stuffed into his pocket, maybe cutting out articles to keep?

Eli’s colleague Tony- I think colleague is already implied.

‘He’s fine. He’s going to take the test for grammar school, hope he can make something of his life from that. Apparently there’s a good rugby coach at the grammar as well.’
- you could have a pause before 'apparantly there's a good rugby coach', to suggest that Tony isn't impressed by grammar school but responds to Rugby.

'like Latin and so forth' - I don't think the 'snd so forth belongs here, you could just italicise the 'latin'. There are in fact a few places where the dialogue seems a little contrived, like character's aren't speaking in their own voices but rather from a carefully considered perspective. For example, you have Eli and Tony debating the value/ lack of value in grammar school education in an exchange of views rather than a conversation in the workplace, similarly when EIi confronts Morgana about her job:

‘I really think you should take up that vacancy at Harstone. It’s one of the most prestigious places to work in the valleys. Lovely surroundings…’

‘And work for the Ashen-Hills?’ interjected Gwen fiercely. ‘Don’t you think that’s hypocrisy? You’re in the union - you’re meant to be fighting for better conditions for the miners – then you want Morgana to go off and serve the idle rich.’

‘Service is still a good solid profession,’ said Eli. ‘Morgana’s not getting anywhere at the Parrys’ shop. This’ll be a great opportunity for her. She could rise up to become a housekeeper or a cook: they earn quite a decent wage.’

‘Are you going to listen to my views at all?’ demanded Morgana, looking as though she was on the verge of tears. She felt, since her parents were conducting a
conversation over her head, that she was already in a situation similar to a domestic servant. ‘Or are you just trying to get rid of me?
- it's like they're reading a script rather than having a genuine conversation. I think you can get across these opinions in a better way if you focussed more on body language and pared down the dialogue. So rather than having "confrontation" "view" "counterview", bring in some more subtleties to make conversation more conversational.

‘It’ll be worth it in the long run. It would be nice if Philip could go as well when it’s his turn, though that might be a stretch financially… anyway Morgana’s left school now so we’ve got some extra money coming in.’
- you could drop the 'financially' to make it a bit more casual. But I'm not sure that this dialogue really fits the scene. You could skip down to 'Eli fell silent...' and introduce his other children later, maybe in person so we learn about them directly rather than second hand.

There are a few instances in this chapter where you slip into telling rather than showing, I think your piece would greatly benefit from a few tweaks to reign that in and focus more on the action.

'this took place along a network of tunnels as labyrinthine as the London tube...'
- I wonder if the reference to the london tube is a bit intrusive in a narrative taking place in 1910.

'Eli fell silent and did not converse again until their first stint was completed'
- 'converse' stands out here, I'd simplify it to 'speak' to remain in keeping with the scene, similarly 'completed' would read better as 'over'. Again, keep an eye out for areas where the language is over- complicated, a few times in this piece I've found that some little runaway titbits of 'writerly' language disrupt the flow of the narrative a little.


During the exchange between Eli and Morgana about the job- I'd have liked to have seen more fire from Morgana- she is brought nearly to the verge of tears by the suggestion of going to work in service then 5 mins later she agrees to it- I found I wanted more from this. Does she enjoy her job in the shop and doesn't care about promotion? What does she hate about the idea of service? I don't think a teenage girl woud be that principled about not wanting to work for rich people. There was a lot of "telling" in this section with the descriptions of what this life would be like for Morgana etc and this could be approached better by Morgana listing her fears about what it would be like as reasons she doesn't want to and her father countering them.

Remaining on this section, I can't really understand why Eli wants his daughter to go into service so badly? For the money? For her happiness? I think there needs to be a clearer motivation here. I understand the thread running through this chapter of the divide between rich and poor, opportunity, providing for your family etc but I think you need to have other areas of conflict to make it more interesting- is Morgana in love with a boy who works at the shop and Eli thinks he's beneath her so wants her out of his reach(also giving Morgana another mtivation for staying)perhaps?

‘What is it? Syphilis?’ asked Gwen bluntly. - this is a nice wry little comment from Gwen, gives us a glimpse into her character, showing not telling. I'd suggest changing 'bluntly' to a physical action or facial expression to give it even more show.

'The comment was directed at Gwen, but Morgana also felt stung by it. She looked beyond the reach of the firelight, at a chink in the curtains that revealed a swatch of sootblack sky. She would soon be gone from this place.'- I like the idea behind this and I think that my previous comments about Morgana's fighting back and her motivations would set this up a lot better.

The political comments and thoughts Eli has are all told not shown, while it does get across what Eli is like as a man- we know his views on everything! It doesn't allow readers to suss him out for themselves, which is half the fun of reading! You did have Eli expecting a hot dinner when he came home, which does go some way to showing his 'patriarchal dominance' but I think you could make his attitudes more apparent in his behaviour.

‘I certainly don’t want you getting blotto,’ Gwen commented censoriously. - I'm not sure that 'blotto' and 'censoriously' belong on the same line, the change in tone is abrupt.

I think talking about the books in Morgana's room and alluding to the Bronte novel is unnecessary if you're going to use a quote. Just saying, Morgana opened her book, "JANE EYRE QUOTE"- The selected passage is good in that it underlines Morgana's desire to leave, and opens a door in the reader's mind to connect Morgana to her literary counterpart.

I'm not sure how to take Eli's dogged approach to her getting this job- a concerned father? Overenthusiastic because he thinks it's a great opportunity? Domineering and dictatorial? I don't think I have a strong enough sense of Eli's character from this chapter to be able to judge his motivations.

I hope these comments are helpful, I think you have a good story on your hands when you deal with some of the issues here. I'm certainly interested to read more anyway

Victoria

Wendy Mason at 18:47 on 07 October 2013  Report this post

I like the story and some of your descriptions are very good, the last paragraph especially.
I did think that Tony was a bit rude in his questioning, ie.
How you going to keep him through all that education, Eli? Also all the questions about Morgana. Would he really be that nosy?

'She had a clean and wholesome complexion, though with crow’s feet developing around her eyes.'
Could this be expanded to something like 'although the crow's feet developing around her eyes were testament to her hard life, or advancing years, or some such thing? It may flow a bit better.

I also think that Eli is being too pushy, would the father of a teenage girl not be aware that the harder he pushes the more resistance Morgana is likely to get? Or is that the point?

My chapter of Love and Mystery in the footsteps of St Francis was also commented (as above by Victoria)on 'not enough showing' and too much telling with a good link and book details to help me. You may find them useful.
Hope this may be of some help. I'm still very new at this so apologies if not.



AlanH at 04:10 on 28 October 2013  Report this post
Gavin,

Are you still interested in critiques for this? I notice you haven't responded since posting.
Alan

Account Closed at 13:38 on 18 December 2013  Report this post
Dear Gavin

I saw you looked in two days ago and wanted to let you know that I have read this piece. I thought it was lovely to see the other timeline and I think your characters have real promise.

I did wonder why Eli was so keen for Morgana to go into service. We are in his POV, so more of where he is coming from in terms of the need for Morgana to go into service, his worries about finance, his dislike of his job, etc. would help foreshadow where this story is leading. The reader may sympathise with Eli or Morgana (who is being thrown to the wolves in the form of service at Harstone).

I agreed with Victoria's comments, particularly in relation to dialogue - paring the actual dialogue down (especially when they are chatting about domesticities as at the mine) with more action/internal dialogue - and show and tell. I also was not keen on the 'tube' simile, but for me it is because the tube is so vast that I could not compare it to a mine in a valley.

Also, at one point you put the apostrophe after the 's' in Parry's.

A times you 'tell' where you could bring the narrative round to show:

Eli Jones certainly loved his wife, Gwen, but was often too exhausted from the demands of his job to indulge in amorous activity. His mind was focussed on the prospect of having his tea promptly placed in front of him.


Here, for example, you could say that he loved his wife (telling us) but then show how tired he was. His arms aching and belly growling as his thoughts change from sex to food.

And here the dialogue itself can show her being defensive, while you could show her annoyance through action, eg banging a cup down so liquid sloshed over the side, etc.

‘Not particularly,’ replied Morgana in a terse and defensive manner



I also thought you could use 'said' more often, rather than 'commented, interjected, replied, cried', etc.

It's an enjoyable piece but I'm not sure at the end whether I'm meant to be worried for the family and, in particular, Morgana (which is probably what you want the reader to feel). What is the hook to draw the reader on?

I think you can rectify this easily. Just add a few hints here and there that all is not right and Morgana inferring to her dad that's she's 'heard things' about the family, etc. If I've got the wrong end of the stick and Morgana's future is not at stake, then apologies.

This story was a good and interesting read. I'm excited to see how this timeline will link with the future timeline. It would be great to read on and find out how you intend to do this.

Good luck with your writing, Gavin. Come back soon!

:)

gavink at 16:47 on 22 December 2013  Report this post
Thanks Sharley, for your comments; thanks also to Victoria and Wendy.

I have started rewriting this chapter and was not surprised that the show/tell issue came up - it was also a bit of a problem with the first chapter.

I am now trying to avoid shoving in too much historical context that isn't immediately relevant to the story and have altered the dialogue to try and make it more naturalistic and less like a debate about social conditions in the 1900s.

I like the ideas about showing Eli's stomach rumbling, Morgana banging the dinner plates etc. to give a physical manifestation of their personality traits.

Take the point about 'said' being fine, without using a synonym - I may have a tendency to reach for the thesaurus too readily! However, I think an alternative verb can sometimes convey the manner in which something is said (e.g. shouted, demanded). I am still working on not being overly 'writerly' for the sake of it.

To clear things up, I perceive Eli's main motivation for wanting Morgana to go into service to be money (mentioned on at least separate occasions in the current version of this chapter). I don't see him as being too dictatorial otherwise; he will later be shown as a fairly placid character compared to some of the more radically-minded miners.

Hope your own writing is going well.

Gavin

Account Closed at 23:28 on 29 December 2013  Report this post
Hi Gavin

Thanks for clearing up my query about Eli's main motivation and yes you do show it. I'd wondered if it was more sinister (always looking for the worst in characters!!).

It was great seeing the past thread. I look forward to being back in the future again too.

:)


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