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Aepyornis Ch7 - second draft

by andinadia 

Posted: 18 August 2013
Word Count: 1210
Summary: After some very useful comments (thankyou!) I've reframed this chapter. I've also repositioned the moment of the police arriving, to ask about Aman-tanay. It's probably the last 'domestic' chapter before the story accelerates. I'm trying to bring out the relationship between Alice and family members, including Miss Simpson. (When I revise, I'll add some more background about Alice's mother, in Ch6.) Thinking about possible titles now... 'Flightless'?
Related Works: Aepyornis (working title) • Aepyornis Ch3 redraft • Aepyornis Ch4 First draft • Aepyornis Ch5 First draft • Aepyornis Ch6 First draft • 

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Chapter 7

Through the kitchen window Alice watched William Russell sitting and talking with Miss Simpson, under the yew tree. He had his sketchbook open and Miss Simpson was laughing. When she laughed, Miss Simpson’s sixty years seemed like sixteen.

The water had boiled now. Alice filled the teapot.

Perhaps William would know more about Caine. Maybe even about Aman-tanay. He was a reporter. It was his job to know things, to find things out.

She carried the tray out to the garden and placed it in front of Miss Simpson.

‘Thankyou, Alice. I might get used to be served by you! Look at this. Mr Russell is so talented.’ Miss Simpson held open William’s sketchbook. He had drawn a caricature of Zachary, looking even larger than life, shouting at a much smaller man.

‘Just came from a meeting with Mr Caine,’ William said. ‘I got to the hotel early. While I was waiting for Mr Caine, I saw a scene. Mr Zachary, losing his temper about something or other. Anyway, I couldn’t resist!’

‘It’s very funny,’ Alice said. ‘You were meeting Mr Caine?’

‘That’s right. Thought it was going to be about the article. But now they want a special. A whole issue. Paying quite a sum, no doubt. I’m not involved with the money side of the matter.’

‘But that’s good … for your magazine. Isn’t it?’

‘Yes, but a lot of pages to fill. By next week! So I’m here to interview your father. See what he’s creating for the exhibition. That should make a couple of pages. It’s amazing how many projects Mr Caine is supporting.’

‘I’m sure he won’t be long, Mr Russell.’

‘Please, call me William. And don’t worry. Nothing better than having tea with two young ladies in the garden.’

Alice enjoyed the description of herself. ‘What do you think of Mr Caine?’ she asked.

‘Ambitious. He told me about an island where they’re setting up a ‘living laboratory’, he called it. Seems to be the big project.’

William opened his notebook, and read out some notes: ‘Man and beast. Fish and fowl. Two of everything. Rebuilding …’ William held down the page that was turning in the breeze, ‘the Lord’s community on Earth, purified.’

‘See what I mean?’ William looked up, his eyes exaggeratedly wide.

‘So that’s why it’s called the Ark.’ Alice visualised the copperplate script on the card Caine had left.

‘That’s it. He said they’d have two of every beast they could acquire. I asked him how many kinds of animals there are in the world. I mean, there must be thousands, don’t you think? You know what his answer was? “Knowledge is never complete, Mr Russell.”’

William’s imitation of Caine’s voice made Alice smile. She realised at that moment how much she disliked Caine, and what a relief it was to make fun of him.

‘Where do you think he’ll get them from? The animals, I mean.’

‘He said Mr Zachary has a ship. And he’s also financed some expeditions. Must have cost him a fortune.’

‘Where is it, this island?’

‘That’s the funny thing. He wouldn’t say. I asked him, of course. Hasn’t he told your father about any of this, Miss Jones?’

‘Perhaps. I haven’t seen much of father recently. He’s been busy.’

‘Caine told me Mr Jones is creating a giant diorama for the Great Exhibition. A display of stuffed animals that will show the moment the Ark settled on land and opened its doors. He says it will be the largest diorama ever made. Visitors will be able to walk through a glass tunnel and view the animals all around them, whatever the weather.’

‘Father has rented an extra workshop, not far from here, so we haven’t seen what he’s been working on.’

Miss Simpson picked up the tray and excused herself. William watched the governess leave and then looked at Alice. ‘Have you ever met a black man, Miss Jones?’

Alice felt her body jump. It was as if William had somehow read her mind. ‘Yes. Why do you ask?’

‘Because I hadn’t, until yesterday, that is. Came into the hotel while I was talking with Caine. Handsome fellow, but not in very good shape I’d say.’

‘Why? What do you mean?’

‘Very thin. Like he hadn’t eaten for days. He was with another man, some friend of Mr Caine’s.’

‘Did this he anything?’ Alice asked.

‘The black man? No, I don’t believe he did. But he didn’t seem well at all. Had a bad head wound. Blood showing through the bandage. Caine told the other man to “take him to Harty”. Some doctor, perhaps.’

* * * *

‘Mr Russell was here. He was interviewing father about the Great Exhibition commission. Father’s taken him to the workshop,’ Alice said.

Her brother’s face was grim as he came out to the garden. ‘The first mate told me the captain paid the entire crew a part of their wages, with instructions to go into Gravesend and spend it. He said he didn’t want anyone to remain on the ship. Meanwhile, he checked himself into the hotel, with me. I had no idea the ship was unguarded. Even the policeman absented himself. I believe someone paid the captain off, which means they knew about the Elephant Bird. God knows how. I’m pretty sure, if it hadn’t been for Naro, whatever he was doing there, we would have lost both the birds, and heaven knows what else.’

‘But who would want to steal them, and why?’ Miss Simpson asked.

Alice held her tongue. She wanted to speak to her brother alone, first.

‘I wish I knew. And to make matters worse,’ Jacob continued, ‘I passed by the Society just now, to make arrangements for the lecture. Of course, I checked up on the bird. It has lost some feathers. I’m not a specialist but even I can tell it’s distressed.’

Mr Jones arrived back from the workshop, rubbing his hands. It showed he was in good spirits, even though lunch was later than usual.

‘This commission has changed everything. The publicity alone will guarantee a lifetime of work,’ he said. ‘Jacob, you haven’t met Mr Hieronymous Caine yet. He is a real gentleman and he has been very generous to me. I believe he is invited to your lecture, so you will have the pleasure of meeting him soon! Miss Simpson, could you see cook about lunch as soon as possible. I’m going to change.’

Mr Jones left Alice alone with Jacob.

‘Jacob, I knew it. Aman-tany is with Mr Caine.’

‘Aman-tanay?’

‘Naro. I found out his real name. It wasn’t difficult. Anyway, Mr Russell saw Aman-tanay with Caine. There was another man with him too. He’s taking Aman-tanay to someone called Harty.’

‘How did Naro – Aman-tanay – end up with Caine?’

‘I’d like to ask the curious Mr Caine directly,’ Alice replied. ‘Aman-tanay is our guest in this country and we’re responsible for him.’

At that moment the clatter of the clawed knocker rang out. Alice heard Miss Simpson usher visitors through to her father’s studio, and then a stranger’s voice, loud enough to carry through to the garden:

‘Mr Jacob Jones? We have reason to believe you may be sheltering an illegal immigrant.’






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Comments by other Members



a.m.edge at 20:18 on 18 August 2013  Report this post
Wow! This comes alive! I think you've reworked it really well. Just a couple of points you may well choose to ignore...

‘Just came from a meeting with Mr Caine,’ William said. ‘I got to the hotel early. While I was waiting for Mr Caine, I saw a scene. Mr Zachary, losing his temper about something or other. Anyway, I couldn’t resist!’

‘It’s very funny,’ Alice said. ‘You were meeting Mr Caine?’


There's space after 'funny' for the narrator to describe the sketch so we can picture Zachary in our minds.

And here:

Mr Jones arrived back from the workshop, rubbing his hands. It showed he was in good spirits, even though lunch was later than usual.


I wonder whether there's space, between the two sentences, for a descriptive morsel to remind us of what Mr Jones looks like?

andinadia at 09:01 on 19 August 2013  Report this post
I'm so glad you like the new version more, Annie. Thanks for your help with this. I decided in general not to go back and revisit earlier chapters until I've finished the first draft, but sometimes I feel the need to rework a chapter just so I can move on to the next chapters with confidence. Otherwise it'll just keep bugging me!
Those 2 comments are spot on, too. Thanks again. (I think I've maybe gone too far in following some writers' advice not to include much detail about what characters look like.)


a.m.edge at 09:33 on 19 August 2013  Report this post
(I think I've maybe gone too far in following some writers' advice not to include much detail about what characters look like.)


I think, when writing for children, the rules are bent slightly differently. Also, you have to trust your instinct (and this took a long time for me) and be prepared to kindly ignore some advice and willingly take other things on board. Anything can be changed at a later date with the flick of a key.

I'll post my chapter 1 redraft today. I'd be really interested to hear your thoughts.

Issy at 11:41 on 19 August 2013  Report this post
Hi Andy,

I was outside - my outside room doesn't have internet - so I copied the whole chapter across, and wrote in my comments as I went through it.

I think this is a much better way of showing this scene - with Alice present - but I didn't get her reactions, thoughts or feelings to be honest. I think that is probably the next level for the next draft. But I do think the structure is much improved.

Chapter 7

Through the kitchen window Alice watched William Russell sitting and talking with Miss Simpson, under the yew tree. He had his sketchbook open and Miss Simpson was laughing. When she laughed, Miss Simpson’s sixty years seemed like sixteen.

Hmm- I was confused in the first reading by the clauses. The main point would be the change in Miss Simpson. I would recommend that the sentences be simplified and that something very specific about Miss Simpson – or her expression – is mentioned. I was thinking she maybe threw her head back, and a pin in her hair flew out or she put her hand to her mouth as if to stop the laugh but it burst out of her ( Alice can obviously hear them). Maybe we need Alice’s more specific reaction – e.g. she had never seen Miss Simpson so happy before or she didn’t know what they were laughing at and wanted to be included.

The water had boiled now. Alice filled the teapot.

Perhaps William would know more about Caine. Maybe even about Aman-tanay. He was a reporter. It was his job to know things, to find things out.

She carried the tray out to the garden and placed it in front of Miss Simpson.

‘Thankyou, Alice. I might get used to be served by you! Look at this. Mr Russell is so talented.’ Miss Simpson held open William’s sketchbook. He had drawn a caricature of Zachary, looking even larger than life, shouting at a much smaller man. Very much like this – revealing on both William and Zachary.

‘Just came from a meeting with Mr Caine,’ William said. ‘I got to the hotel early. While I was waiting for Mr Caine, I saw a scene. Mr Zachary, losing his temper about something or other. Anyway, I couldn’t resist!’ Maybe just …I saw this scene … to avoid repeating the words in the previous para.

‘It’s very funny,’ Alice said. ‘You were meeting Mr Caine?’

‘That’s right. Thought it was going to be about the article. But now they want a special. A whole issue. Paying quite a sum, no doubt. I’m not involved with the money side of the matter.’

‘But that’s good … for your magazine. Isn’t it?’

‘Yes, but a lot of pages to fill. By next week! So I’m here to interview your father. See what he’s creating for the exhibition. That should make a couple of pages. It’s amazing how many projects Mr Caine is supporting.’

‘I’m sure he won’t be long, Mr Russell.’

‘Please, call me William. And don’t worry. Nothing better than having tea with two young ladies in the garden.’

Alice enjoyed the description of herself. ‘What do you think of Mr Caine?’ she asked. Maybe more specific as to what Alice felt – flattered that William thought of her this way, or a little embarrassed, but pleased as well. Was there a fleeting look of approval or otherwise from Miss Simpson, who has remained silent for a while now?

‘Ambitious. He told me about an island where they’re setting up a ‘living laboratory’, he called it. Seems to be the big project.’

William opened his notebook, and read out some notes: ‘Man and beast. Fish and fowl. Two of everything. Rebuilding …’ William held down the page that was turning in the breeze, ‘the Lord’s community on Earth, purified.’

‘See what I mean?’ William looked up, his eyes exaggeratedly wide.

‘So that’s why it’s called the Ark.’ Alice visualised the copperplate script on the card Caine had left.

‘That’s it. He said they’d have two of every beast they could acquire. I asked him how many kinds of animals there are in the world. I mean, there must be thousands, don’t you think? You know what his answer was? “Knowledge is never complete, Mr Russell.”’

William’s imitation of Caine’s voice made Alice smile. She realised at that moment how much she disliked Caine, and what a relief it was to make fun of him. I like this

‘Where do you think he’ll get them from? The animals, I mean.’

‘He said Mr Zachary has a ship. And he’s also financed some expeditions. Must have cost him a fortune.’

‘Where is it, this island?’

‘That’s the funny thing. He wouldn’t say. I asked him, of course. Hasn’t he told your father about any of this, Miss Jones?’

‘Perhaps. I haven’t seen much of father recently. He’s been busy.’

‘Caine told me Mr Jones is creating a giant diorama for the Great Exhibition. A display of stuffed animals that will show the moment the Ark settled on land and opened its doors. He says it will be the largest diorama ever made. Visitors will be able to walk through a glass tunnel and view the animals all around them, whatever the weather.’

‘Father has rented an extra workshop, not far from here, so we haven’t seen what he’s been working on.’

Miss Simpson picked up the tray and excused herself. William watched the governess leave and then looked at Alice. ‘Have you ever met a black man, Miss Jones?’ Miss Simpson’s departure seems a little odd, especially as the chapter started with her seeming younger and happier – maybe she could say something about what William is saying, express an opinion, maybe incredulous, maybe surprised or something of a religious nature. And maybe she should give a specific reason to be leaving – jobs to do perhaps.

Alice felt her body jump. It was as if William had somehow read her mind. ‘Yes. Why do you ask?’

‘Because I hadn’t, until yesterday, that is. Came into the hotel while I was talking with Caine. Handsome fellow, but not in very good shape I’d say.’

‘Why? What do you mean?’

‘Very thin. Like he hadn’t eaten for days. He was with another man, some friend of Mr Caine’s.’

‘Did this he anything?’ Alice asked. Not sure what Alice is saying

‘The black man? No, I don’t believe he did. But he didn’t seem well at all. Had a bad head wound. Blood showing through the bandage. Caine told the other man to “take him to Harty”. Some doctor, perhaps.’
I didn’t get very much of what Alice was thinking and feeling in this exchange – rather extraordinary news, but she isn’t really reacting, or questioning what its all about.
* * * *
I think for this age group we need the transition – who is in the room and where is it?

‘Mr Russell was here. He was interviewing father about the Great Exhibition commission. Father’s taken him to the workshop,’ Alice said.
Oh I see, Miss Simpson and her brother have come into the garden and William has left it.

Her brother’s face was grim as he came out to the garden. ‘The first mate told me the captain paid the entire crew a part of their wages, with instructions to go into Gravesend and spend it. He said he didn’t want anyone to remain on the ship. Meanwhile, he checked himself into the hotel, with me. I had no idea the ship was unguarded. Even the policeman absented himself. I believe someone paid the captain off, which means they knew about the Elephant Bird. God knows how. I’m pretty sure, if it hadn’t been for Naro, whatever he was doing there, we would have lost both the birds, and heaven knows what else.’

‘But who would want to steal them, and why?’ Miss Simpson asked.

Alice held her tongue. She wanted to speak to her brother alone, first.
‘I wish I knew. And to make matters worse,’ Jacob continued, ‘I passed by the Society just now, to make arrangements for the lecture. Of course, I checked up on the bird. It has lost some feathers. I’m not a specialist but even I can tell it’s distressed.’

Mr Jones arrived back from the workshop, rubbing his hands. It showed he was in good spirits, even though lunch was later than usual. I think the bit about lunch is a distraction here

‘This commission has changed everything. The publicity alone will guarantee a lifetime of work,’ he said. ‘Jacob, you haven’t met Mr Hieronymous Caine yet. He is a real gentleman and he has been very generous to me. I believe he is invited to your lecture, so you will have the pleasure of meeting him soon! Miss Simpson, could you see cook about lunch as soon as possible. I’m going to change.’

Mr Jones left Alice alone with Jacob.

‘Jacob, I knew it. Aman-tany is with Mr Caine.’

‘Aman-tanay?’

‘Naro. I found out his real name. It wasn’t difficult. Anyway, Mr Russell saw Aman-tanay with Caine. There was another man with him too. He’s taking Aman-tanay to someone called Harty.’

‘How did Naro – Aman-tanay – end up with Caine?’

‘I’d like to ask the curious Mr Caine directly,’ Alice replied. ‘Aman-tanay is our guest in this country and we’re responsible for him.’

At that moment the clatter of the clawed knocker rang out. Alice heard Miss Simpson usher visitors through to her father’s studio, and then a stranger’s voice, loud enough to carry through to the garden:

‘Mr Jacob Jones? We have reason to believe you may be sheltering an illegal immigrant.’


andinadia at 12:51 on 19 August 2013  Report this post
Fantastically detailed comments, Issy. I agree with them all. Thank you so much.

rescuedonkey at 15:25 on 03 October 2013  Report this post
Hi,

Another solid chapter- I didn't get to see your first draft, but this reads really well.

Firstly, I liked the description of Miss Simpson at the beginning and her blossoming relationship with William- it seems like she's developing a lot more as a character in this story now which is great.

I also second Issy's 'like' of the moment William impersonates Caine.

The ending is a real cliff-hanger as well!

A few more detailed comments:

Perhaps William would know more about Caine. Maybe even about Aman-tanay. He was a reporter. It was his job to know things, to find things out.
- I think it would sound snappier without the 'to find things out' at the end.

‘That’s right. Thought it was going to be about the article. But now they want a special. A whole issue. Paying quite a sum, no doubt. I’m not involved with the money side of the matter.’
- I don't think you need to say about William not being involved on the money side- it's implied by the 'no doubt'.

Like Issy, I felt that Miss Simpson's departure from the garden was a little abrupt, and I wasn't sure if her leaving was necessary for William to talk about aman- tanay for some reason? If it isn't, then I'd suggest having her stay for the duration of the conversation, perhaps having offered to show William to Alice's father's workshop?- that way they can leave together which creates a more natural break from which to return with Jakob's arrival back at the house.

Also, perhaps you could have Alice raise the subject of aman- tanay? After her observation that William, being a journalist, might know something about him, it would seem natural for her to ask.

The police arriving at the end is a great way to close the chapter, leave them wanting more!

Victoria











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