Lung Cancer
Posted: 14 August 2013
Word Count: 204
Summary: One for the world issues series. Not entirely sure about the title but hopefully you'll get the gist of what it is really about.
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You started by invading my arteries, used my floods
to measure out, to calculate your attack,
the tools of your trade packed ready.
I know you now by your sounds, the unhealthy, waspish rasp
or the deep hacking, sweet edged and vicious.
For days I hear your approach through dense rain
and the song of a billion insects.
Lately your thick smoke has curled in my canopy,
an invasive slick that muffles, strangles my wet greenness,
that makes my sap heavy.
One day soon you will cut me from my roots,
tear off my limbs and skin with a rapacious grin,
and in a short cacophony choke off the liquid in my veins
killing the clouds that cool my head.
This generous life, this root stock which
feeds your lungs, your lips,
will be gigatons of carbon.
When you have done with me, sawn me for lumber
or left me to burn under a bright sun;
when you have heard the secret whisper of neat crops
and leached all the goodness for cash;
when you have watched your winnings blow in the wind
throttling the thinning rivers;
when you warm in thick silence;
then you will see these constant reminders
that your cancer kills.
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 14:15 on 16 August 2013
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Hi Nick - A smart thing to do with some poems is not to give away too much in the title. This is a perfect example, because the very last line is the first time cancer has been mentioned in the body of the poem. With a different title, the reader’s experience would be to read through the poem thinking this is about deforestation and it’s being compared with some kind of disease. But if deforestation is like a disease, what disease? A deadly virus? To some extent the reader would be kept wondering until the last line - and then read the poem again with cancer in mind, and make new discoveries in it.
Your title should not suggest disease. Having said that, any alternative ideas I can come up with don’t somehow seem right - but they may lead you by association to a good title. Something to do with an invasion by barbarians, vandals (using the destructive connotation of the Vandals who helped bring down the Roman Empire); or any title that suggests an imminent danger, a threat. This is the best I can do, but I hope you have the general idea - make the reader wait for your metaphor to be made explicit.
What I like very much about this poem is the vivid presence of the forest. The fact that the voice is that of a tree, or the whole forest, evokes deep sympathy for it as a victim. And the forest also magnanimously feels for the humans who are doing such a foolish thing; they will suffer too.
It’s full of telling lines, too many to quote. Some lines strike me as really inspired:
| the deep hacking, sweet edged and vicious |
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| an invasive slick that muffles, strangles my wet greenness |
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| in a short cacophony choke off the liquid in my veins |
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If I had to pick one line, it would be
| when you have heard the secret whisper of neat crops |
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which vividly captures the literal sound of wheat or barley or whatever, rustling in the wind, but at the same time suggests to me that the crops are mysteriously unsettled in sympathy with the decimated forest. And that they are mysteriously ashamed of being ‘neat’ amid the chaos of felled trees. And ‘When you have heard’ the whisper - will it tell you that you’ve done wrong? Every word in this line is charged with meaning.
One or two points to consider. I would leave out the first three lines, and begin:
I know you by your sounds, the waspish rasp
or the deep hacking, sweet edged and vicious. |
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(Leaving out ‘unhealthy’ which is implicit in the whole poem.) This is just such a stunning opening, better than the one you presently have. I don’t think omitting those lines takes anything away from the poem.
Next, leave out ‘that’ in ‘that makes my sap heavy’.
Last, I don’t quite see the sense of these lines:
when you have watched your winnings blow in the wind
throttling the thinning rivers |
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How do the profits (winnings) of lumber companies throttle the rivers? Maybe it’s just an ecological thing I don’t understand. Again, I would omit these lines rather than try to change them. The closing lines read very well as
when you have heard the secret whisper of neat crops
and leached all the goodness for cash;
when you warm in thick silence;
then you will see these constant reminders
that your cancer kills. |
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Sorry the comment is so long - but I hope it will be helpful.
A powerful poem - this is one of the results I was hoping for when Dave introduced the idea of writing about world issues.
James.
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 nickb at 19:06 on 17 August 2013
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Many thanks James, a lot to think about there. I felt as I was writing it that some bits seemed a bit heavy handed and you have spotted that too I think. I'll have a go at re-drafting.
Nick
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 V`yonne at 17:25 on 21 August 2013
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I liked this if like is the word. I think it would be stronger to start it with:
I know you now by your sounds, the unhealthy, waspish rasp
or the deep hacking, sweet edged and vicious. |
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Those are strong lines and they really grabbed my attention rather than the first lines. You could use those first three after this:
For days I hear your approach through dense rain
and the song of a billion insects. |
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or not...
Also maybe:
This generous life, this root stock which
feeds your lungs, your lips,
will be just gigatons of carbon. |
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I am not sure you need these tow lines:
when you have watched your winnings blow in the wind
throttling the thinning rivers; |
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mainly because winnings seems the wrong word profits of gains perhaps but that wouldn't fit with the w sounds anyway so part of the language would be lost rather than that, I'd lose the lot.
I really loved the sence3 of global warming and thickening silence in the last 3 lines.
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nickb at 13:20 on 30 August 2013
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Thanks for your thoughts Oonah, sorry it has taken a while, just got back off holiday. Some good points I think, it definitely needs re-working.
Nick
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.JPG) Zettel at 08:56 on 27 September 2013
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Hi Nick
I agree about the opening. But that unbalances the poem a bit. The strength of both your imagery and the underlying metaphor, which I also agree should not be signalled in the title, suggest to me that you can restore the balance by extra lines in keeping with your theme.
If you decide on this: I think the rhythm, the cadence in the last stanza is stronger than the other two and builds to a satisfying and suitably sombre finish.
Specifically I like:
[quote]when you have watched your winnings blow in the wind
throttling the thinning rivers[quote]
which gestures towards the conflict of values commercial logging implies - the commoditisation of nature and beauty.
I wonder whether 'winnowings' might work instead of winnings?
Again for rhythmic balance might you consider this amended last line:
And you are a cancer that kills
Big issues aren't always easy to capture as well as you have done.
Best
Z
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