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by BorderBound 

Posted: 18 January 2004
Word Count: 197
Summary: this is poem i wrote for someone who i fell in love with a long time ago. just when i thought it was about time to move on and realise i'd never see her again... there she was. in my favourite place.

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Mental picture of you fixed to a painting then call
And then I freeze and hang up then hang myself.
Goodbye is hummed for I canít say the words
And then I loose all words and just stare.

Pen and paper close to my heart
And that whisper that you wrote to me once is now scratched deep into my bed
A wall of dedications and unidentified miseryís
All oppose for they only stood by when I was seen to be falling.

Emptiness does not like to be filled, not with change.
And my lonely beating doesnít like my throbbing
Arguing angels on my shoulders
All trying to do the best for me.

And then I ask the river if Iíll see you again
Weeks go by and I still go to my lakes, my rivers, my energy flows only there
Then I go for the last time and two friends sit talking
They turn and smile and I misguide myself and sit and mindlessly banter

I feel the road shake softly
I turn to see you cycle by
And behold, Iíve fallen for you
...Youíre so beautiful.

But I do not follow you
Not this time.

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Comments by other Members

Anna Reynolds at 21:51 on 18 January 2004  Report this post
Oh, yum, this is lovely... 'Arguing angels on my shoulders' particularly stands out. Critical response to poetry isn't my area, but this spoke to me- there are lines I don't entirely, rationally, understand, but that doesn't stop them working somehow in the context of the whole piece. Lost and wistful and moving.

The Walrus at 08:58 on 19 January 2004  Report this post
Welcome to WW Gal,

As Anna says, a moving piece. There is something very gentle and dreamlike about it.

Just a suggestion, but some of the lines are quite long which I feel makes it more difficult to read. Also, I understand Anna's comment about understanding some of the lines, eg for me, 'then call' at the end of the first line doesn't quite fit there - I would suggest it needs to be on a separate line and/or expanded.

Maybe also 'misguide' could be substituted for 'distract'?

Just a couple of thoughts.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.

The Walrus

BorderBound at 12:41 on 19 January 2004  Report this post
:) hey poeple thanks for the feedback.... athough i do about the length of lines - i really wanted to put forward my feeling of waitiing... (hense the long lines)
also when i say "then call" that is an important half line for me
"fixed to a painting" - beauty, perfection... then call.... giving a picture a voice..
and the term - distract myself doesnt really sound like it works. and besides i didnt get distracted, - I misguided myself that she wasnt coming

i suppose this is why authors notes go well with poetry.
but i love how people see it differently...

again, thanks... i've writen loads but i'm only a trial member at the moment! so cant load more then one thing up :)

roovacrag at 15:59 on 19 January 2004  Report this post
I liked this. I agree some of the sentences could have been put into two.
And that whisper
you wrote to me once
now scratched deep in my bed.
Split the sentences smaller. On the whole a good poem. i will look forward to reading more.
Welcome to WW.

Fearless at 17:28 on 19 January 2004  Report this post
I liked this.....a love letter with rhythm. As for long lines, I can understand about shorter vs longer, but longer lines can often help prolong the dreamlike caress - it is a case of whatever works for expressing yourself. Welcome to WW and write on; whatever you have, it shines.


Rixius at 23:54 on 19 January 2004  Report this post
Very moving piece, Gal. I particularly like the quick-fire-imagery used throughout the text, it helps up the beat of the piece. (while at the same time keping a flowing, smooth rythm) Although there are areas in the poem which meanings are not obvious to the reader, I feel this is effective in retaining that sense of mystery encompassed by the nature of the poem.
Regarding the line-lengths, The long lines help give the reader that sense of time passing............there it goes............

Anyway, I liked this poem, and its linkages with post-haste-modernism.



dr_mandrill at 03:08 on 20 January 2004  Report this post
Hi borderbound. I like this a lot: not so personal it's cryptic, not so universal as to be facile.

As for the length-of-lines thing: I'm a bit of a control-freak, so like to think of the layout of my poems as stage directions for the reader. I like the way that your long lines-especially the ones with no punctuation, such as They turn and smile and I misguide myself and sit and mindlessly banter; the four 'ands' really makethat work- force the reader to deliver the information on that line in one go, hit and run.

look forward to more from you.


BorderBound at 22:23 on 24 January 2004  Report this post

thanks everyone...
REALLY nice to hear feedback

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