EXT: A view of swirling galaxies




VOICE OVER NARRATIVE
Once upon a time, a parallel universe much like our own, quite suddenly ceased to exist. When this happened it was precisely ten past night at night, in England, on the planet Earth, which was in the Milky Way.




THE UNIVERSE DISAPPEARS WITH A POP




VOICE OVER NARRATIVE
This is what happened 20 minutes before the big POP




CUT TO:




INT: DAVID’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT




DAVID, early 30s and dressed smartly in a shirt and wearing glasses, sits
on the end of a sofa writing in his diary. HANK,a similar age to DAVID but
much scruffier looking leaps onto the sofa, beer in one hand and switches on
the television with a remote. Music begins to blare out.


DAVID
I’m trying to write in my diary!



Hank observes DAVID writing in his diary with contempt (Close up, followed by a master shot)


VOICE OVER
Actually, lets skip forward five minutes


CUT TO:


Hank and David are fighting in the poor pathetic way two middle class men might fight in a wrestling manner. David seems to be hugging his diary as Hank tries his best to steal it from him. Hank gets David in a headlock

HANK
Give me the diary!!




DAVID
No!





HANK
Stop writing about your pathetic boring life. You’re a nobody! Write what I told you to!




DAVID
I won’t!




Hank
Write it or Im gonna come and punch you in the balls when you're asleep!


DAVID
Your a loon!!!!


[Hank tightens his grip on David's neck]



(Voice over)
Okay, lets skip forward another five minutes, as that goes on for quite a bit




CUT TO:



Hank is stood holding a hammer to a chinchillas head, whilst DAVID is
anxiously standing nearby




Voice Over
Ah, this is what I was looking for. So here is what happened 10 minutes before the big Pop, on the Planet Earth, in England.





DAVID
Just put down Mr Wibbles, Hank




HANK
(Breathless)
Write it!





DAVID
Okay, okay. I’m doing it..




(Hank waves the hammer over Mr Wibbles head menacingly)




HANK
What are you writing, show me!




DAVID
Okay! I’m writing “I, DAVID Carter, the inventor of Time Travel, bestow this secret to you. I invented time travel because on Thursday 26th September, 2013, a time traveller, as instructed by me now, in my notes for future generations, will come to me on this date and at




HANK
Say 9pm,
(can see the time on digital clock 8:58)




DAVID
at precisely 9pm and tell me how to invent a working time machine. With these instructions, I, DAVID Carter, will become the inventor of time travel. Okay, are you happy now you utter mad man, now give me
(a slight cry in his voice)
Mr Weebles!!!




HANK
Do you swear to never destroy that page?




DAVID
Yes I swear




HANK
Swear it, or help me God I will wear Weebly’s ass as a slipper (Alternatively, as Antony wishes to say) Swear it or I'll smash in his teeny little face!




DAVID
I swear it! I'll leave it in, if only to record what a complete nutter I was forced to live with!




HANK
Okay, glad you've seen sense finally.




Hank tosses Mr Weeble to DAVID and watches the clock (no chinchilla shall be harmed in the filming of this production!)




The hand on the clock ticks down to 9pm




Both DAVID and Hank become fixated on the time




9pm strikes and....nothing




DAVID
See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.




HANK
No! You probably rip the page out in a minute! That's why it didn't work!




Hank picks up the hammer




HANK
give me Mr Weebles back!




David screams in a girly manner as Hank steps forward. Hank goes to hit Mr Weebles on the head, but as the hammer is just an inch from the chinchillas head (filmed in reverse and sped up, no harm to actual chinchilla) suddenly a flash of light knocks Hank and DAVID across the room onto the floor As the pair look up, they see a wormhole, a tear in space and time, open up right in front of them



(Production note: when filming, use a hair dryer to create a wind effect on two leads)




DAVID and Hank are dumbfounded




A man (PHILIP) steps through the vortex into the living room. He looks like a smarmy council worker from the 70's. Moustache and sideburns. He is quickly followed by another man with a notebook, his assistant



Philip looks bursting with pride as he approaches David and helps him up off of the floor. Hank put his hand out for a help up but Philips happy demeanour is replaces with a cold hard glare as he looks down his nose at Hank (unnoticed by David), refusing to offer a hand. Philip turns back to Dave, once again overly happy and theatrically bows to him. Philip also grabs his assistant Tony and forcibly makes him to bow too.




PHILIP
Lord DAVID Carter. What a marvellous pleasure, such an honour m'lord. My name is Philip Lawlor and I am from the department of Time Travel in the year 2113.




HANK
You’re fr....fr...




Philip once again fires a evil stare at Hank. Philip turns his back on Hank and puts an arm around David




PHILIP
I am here at your request, as per the instructions in the diary we received from you this morning, and here are those instructions for time travel.




Philip hands David a scroll, which David places in the diary and puts on a coffee table besides him




HANK
(Butts in between Philip and David)
Ha! Ha ha! I told you DAVE! Ha ha, oh my God, I’ve invented time travel! Who's a lunatic now? Wha ha ha ha




DAVID
Blimey. So, er...so in the future you get my diary then Philip?




PHILIP
Quite, tomorrow you will put it in the post with the instructions that it will be delivered to my departments at 9am, September 26th 2113 and so I am here my lord.




DAVID
Wow, so the idea works then?




PHILIP
Oh yes my Lord, it worked and it has changed everything. Mankind owes your brilliance a debt that can never be repaid. We’ve gone all over time, and space too and we’ve discovered everything!



[Frame freezes]


Voice over
Philip is quite right. For example, you may be interested to know that the big bang was started by a gentleman from Wolverhampton, England, called Trevor.




Cut to cartoon animation:


A white screen. Suddenly a time portal opens and we see Trevor pocking his head out. He looks about smoking a cigarette with one hand and eating a hamburger with the other.


Voice over
During his lunch break one day, Trevor decided to have a look at what was around before the big bang, which you can see, was not a lot



TREVOR
Not much going on here
(Trevor shouts back into the portal)




Womans voice from inside the portal
Trevor, stop mucking about with the time machine and clean the dog shit off the carpet




TREVOR
Yeah, yeah, I'm coming
(Mutters)
Miserable ol'cow
(Burps)




Trevor floats back into the time portal and the camera zooms in on the burp, showing the chemicals now floating in the void, that multiple as the time on a clock rapidly grow, and the cartoon ends with a big bang




Cut back:




[Text: 13.82 billion years later]




PHILIP
You're responsible for everything, you are the reason we are all here. In the future you are revered as a God!




DAVID
A God!




PHILIP
THE God!




Hank pushes past Tony the assistant and rushes up to David and a disgusted looking Philip




HANK
Hey! Hang on a minute. Him? A GOD!?




PHILIP
YES! it was his amazing insight that created us, he...




HANK
Bullshit!!!!




Philip wipes spit from his eye




PHILIP
Excuse me?




HANK
It was my idea, it was all my idea!




PHILIP
Your idea?




HANK
Yes, my idea, all of this is down to me. Not this loser here! He's stolen it all from me! You bastard David




PHILIP
Is this true Lord Carter?




Hank
Stop calling him lord!




PHILIP
Are his claims true m'lord?




DAVID
Err,



[DAVID has a flashback to what Hank said earlier V.O Hank: You’re a nobody, You’re a nobody, You’re a nobody]




DAVID
....No, NO! Does he look like someone who could have create the universe? Look at him!




HANK
What! Don’t you fucking dare, I’ll....




Hank picks up the hammer and steps towards David. The same as with the chinchilla, Hank goes to hit David on the head with the hammer but as the hammer is an inch from Davids head, another light erupts in the room, once again knocking everyone in the room to the ground.



A second vortex opens




A small woman steps through the second vortex into the living room. She is dressed in a suit and is carrying a clipboard. On her suit is a name tag which says: TIME DEPARTMENT: Maria Daints




Philip quickly pops up, dusts himself off and steps forward towards Maria with fury.




PHILIP
What on Earth are you doing here you foolish little girl? This is a forbidden time zone! I'll have you back out in the cold with all of the other disgusting proles for this embarrassment!




Maria drops her clip board and holds out a small white cube




TONY
She's a rebel sir!!!!!




The white box being held by Maria begins to glow and just before it fires an almighty white light beam, Philip drops to the ground. The gun shot shoots over his head and hits a shocked Tony, disintegrating him instantly. Maria then takes aim at a very scared looking David
(Hank uses David as a shield)




The white box begins to flare up and she fires a white beam at David, however Philip jumps forward to save David, blocking the beam with his arm, which is blown away.




Philip lands on the floor and looks up at Maria with an animal like snarl





PHILIP
Rebel SCUM!




Philips eyes and mouth begin to glow a yellow/white and suddenly he shoots a beam back at Maria




(the purpose of which is to hint that the time agency are more than mere time travels and posses advanced weaponry that a mere white collar worker should have)




Maria jumps out of the way of this shot and retaliates with a successful returning shot, disintegrating a howling Philip




Maria charges at David and holds the white cube in front of his face




MARIA
This is for humanity!




Maria goes to shoot but is blasted away by a red lazer beam that comes from the darkened kitchen.




DAVID and Hank get up, bewildered by these events




The shadow man emerges from the darkened room




DAVID
Geezus. You're me!




FUTURE DAVID
How observant I was
(Says David with a wry smile)




Future David is slightly older looking, but more noticeable is that he is brimming with cocksure confidence. If the young David has the lack of bravery of 3CPO, older David has the swagger of Han Solo as he approaches his younger self with a gun resting on his shoulder


Hank, feels immense anger at Future David, as that is the man who he feels has stolen what should be his.


HANK
Your a GOD! I should be a God, not you, it was all my idea!


Hank tries to punch F.David but his punch is easily deflected and Hank crashes to the ground


HANK
(looking up at F.David)
Oh, I see you've done very well for yourself, haven't you! You big king dildo?




FUTURE DAVID
Oh I'm a king alright
(laughs)
I'm King of the World Hank!




HANK
Wellllllllll, good for you.........dick
(sarcasm)
So where the hell am I in all this?




FUTURE DAVID
(Much more confident and arrogant)
How should I know? I left you in this shit hole to be rich, famous, and ruler of all the fucking universe!




HANK
That should all be mine.




FUTURE DAVID
Well it was all in my diary Hank!
(F.David sniggers and gets up close to Hank and whispers)
So whose the nobody now, aye?
(And punches him in the balls)




Hank looks on in shock and anger, lost for words.




David
What are you doing here




F.David
To stop her from killing you, me




DAVID
But why was that woman trying to kill me?




FUTURE DAVID
Because of what you become




DAVID
Which is what?





FUTURE DAVID
A God!




DAVID
Oh my God! How




F. DAVID
Time travel perks and a bit of charm
(David kisses his futurist gun as a hint)




HANK
You bastard, you total bastard! It was my idea! I should be the king of the fucking world




Hank goes to strike Future DAVID with the hammer but Future DAVID puts a force field around him and present day DAVID. Hank bashes at the force field whilst Future David laughs at him




Hank screams momentarily until something dawns on him and he rushes over grabs the diary




HANK
Whose laughing now you big ass dildo!




Future David stops laughing




SHOT of Hank rubbing out Davids name in the diary and writing in HANK LAWLOR!




FUTURE DAVID
NOOOOOOOO




Suddenly Future David disappears and is replaced with an older version of Hank, who is white haired and bearded and is wearing a robe and crown.




DAVID
How can time be changed like that?




Future Hank punches David in the balls and gives his younger self a big thumbs up.




FUTURE HANK
How the fuck should I know, I'm just king of the mother fucking world sucker. HA HA HA




F.Hank gives Hank a big double thumbs up and a huge cheesy grin, but a second later his face quickly turns to surprise just before he disappears in a puff of smoke




Standing next to Marias time portal is a tramp looking REBEL DAVID who is holding a white cube (like Maria had)




REBEL DAVID looks at F.HANKS ashes with delight, whilst Hank looks at them with despair, then they look at each other.




Hank goes to run but REBEL DAVID is too fast and quickly has him in a headlock with the weapon cube to his temple.




With glee, REBEL DAVID is about to kill Hank when...




DAVID
STOP!




REBEL DAVID and HANK look up to see David holding the diary aloft with a lit lighter beneath it.




DAVID
Let Hank go.




REBEL DAVID
What are you doing your fucking moron!




DAVID
Let him go, you are not going to kill him




REBEL DAVID
I have to, he's fucked up all the forward projecting time lines.




DAVID
I don't care




HANK struggles but REBEL DAVID restrains him




REBEL DAVID
Really? Are you sure? Either you let me do this and then you become the most powerful human in history, or he does!




DAVID
How about none of us do?




REBEL DAVID
It must happen, you don't understand!!! YOUR CHOICE. US OR HIM




Here we see David struggling to decide what best to do, with the flames fanning closer, then away, from the pages. Hank uses this moment to kick REBEL DAVID in the balls and breaks free. He tries to get the cube out of his hand, but instead just makes REBEL DAVID drop it. Hank runs for it, but to get out of the house he has to get past David (present)




REBEL DAVID lurches for his weapon and fires at Hank, but Hank dives and he misses, the shot however almost hits David. The shock of which causes David to drop the diary on the floor.




As Hank is lying on the ground he see the weapon Maria used earlier (Maybe Maria always came through, because regardless who was the future King, both of them were bastards and corrupt, or perhaps they are in a time bubble, at the centre of string universes, point is, her weapon is still there) Hank picks up Maria's cube weapon and he see's a button on the side. He turns around and see's REBEL DAVID stood over him with a manic look upon his face. REBEL DAVID is about to finish Hank off when Hank presses the button on the cube in his palm and it lets off a white flared shot right up REBEL DAVID ass, disintegrating him.




Present day Hank and David stand up next to each other and just stand still for a moment, taking in all what has happened.




(David)
Hank



(HANK)
What?



DAVID
You've just killed me



HANK
Well you killed me first!



DAVID
Yeah, but you shot me up the asshole!



HANK
Because you are an asshole!



They both stand quiet again for another pause to take in the drama



HANK
What you gonna do with the diary?



DAVID
I don't know?



HANK
Future dick said one of us had to be ruler



They both stand quiet again as their glaze fixes upon the diary on the floor in front of them.



They both make a jump for it and begin wrestling on the floor again (like at the start of the film)



Whilst they are fighting we see the diary getting pulled under the table.



Hank and David stop fighting as they can hear something....a crunching sound



They both turn to look at the table, from where the noise is coming



The camera pans in to the dark space



The camera cuts to the silhouetted back of Mr Wibbles (we can see Hank and David looking at him) and we hearing the sound of paper tearing



DAVID and HANK
Mr Wibbles! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



THE CLOCK STRIKES 9.10PM



Cut to Mr Wibbles eating last bit of paper and burps



Hard cut to black



THE END



AFTER CREDITS FINISH






(Voice over)
Meanwhile in another parallel universe at 8:59PM




Both DAVID and Hank are back when they were waiting for the clock to strike 9pm



9pm strikes and....nothing



DAVID
See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.



HANK
No! You must tear out the pages!



DAVID
Goodnight Hank



FADE OUT



CUT TO:



The camera creeps up to a David soundly asleep in bed, then we see Hank
punching him in the lovespuds as he laughs manically



THE END