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ROUNDELAY

by LONGJON 

Posted: 14 January 2004
Word Count: 165
Summary: Reworked following discussion with a friend


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Must I rewrite the sunlight or change the season
When little sense and much less reason
Bids me so.

Must I portion the self or sell the soul
For florins or gold or an older toll
To ease this batter

Let us strike a new bargain, spit
On the hands and shake for eternity
Or more, perhaps.

But should the bargain be hollow struck
What then you’ll say, as if there is hidden
A new finger pointing.

The path can end here, out in the open
Where all can see and say their piece
Or it can go on,

The untaken road is still there for the walking
Should the feet be shod in new leather,
To box the compass round.

But is distance the cure, to muffle the clout
And clatter of this suppurating ailment
Or would it be a trickery

And if so, who the tricker, who the tricked
Are they one and the same, twins in a mirror
Thieves stealing each other.






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Comments by other Members



Lawrenco at 19:54 on 17 January 2004  Report this post
Hi Longjohn! really had to think about this one .It has an element of excitement with confusion, but I did enjoy recognising themes in it that I relate to. In a riddle way its v. good. Although I wasn`t sure about the lines, "Shake hands for eternity or more"-is there longer than eternity!But really enjoyed it otherwise.

<Added>

I have just reread this and I have to admit it improves with age.I think I spent more time slowly unfolding its meaning ,the thoughtfulness gives it such depth of field.
I see the comic irony in the "eternity or more", stance.

fevvers at 14:29 on 18 March 2004  Report this post
Hello Longjohn

Very beautiful poem, lovely tone.

The first verse is gorgeous but does it need a question mark? I'm not sure about the batter in the 2nd verse.

I also think it could be a shorter poem, by one or two verses. I love the playfulness of "Shake hands for eternity /or more perhaps" especially because of the line break carrying the question. I think if I understood the title better I would be able to appreciate the meanderings in the poem's journey fully. I think you could open it up to the reader more, be less explanatory of where you think the poem is going. What do you think?

cheers -

Epona Love at 22:40 on 21 March 2004  Report this post
I found this very intriguing... beautifully worded, and it allowed me to read into it a situation that appealed to me and that i could relate to... but I am also very curious about the situation that actually inspired it.
But I enjoyed reading it, I loved its style.
E,x.

LONGJON at 23:32 on 24 March 2004  Report this post
Hello Fevvers

Many thanks for your comments, I agree, it is longer than it needs to be. It was something that just happened, one Saturday morning, hadn't even intended to write anything, just happened to be sitting at the computer and this started rolling out.

Will revisit it soon. My apologies for taking some days to reply, have been in the South Island for a couple of weeks.

JCP


LONGJON at 23:36 on 24 March 2004  Report this post
Hello Emma,

Many thanks for your comment, as I mentioned to Fevvers, it was something that just happened, but I guess that such things almost always have a particular source or initiation point, whether we fully understand that or not at the time. It almost seemed like "auto-writing"!

JCP

Mr B. at 18:46 on 05 June 2005  Report this post
Nice work! The developing thoughts are put down well. I liked the penultimate stanza in particular just for the pleasure of saying the words!

Nice one,

Anthony


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