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SLUMBERLAND

by roovacrag 

Posted: 13 January 2004
Word Count: 98


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I closed my eyes
as i climbed the steeple,
looking around
saw the people.

Hurricane blows
head in a spin.
why am i troubled
here within.

Reached the belfry
bells are ringing,
deafening sound
choirs still singing.

What am i doing
where do i go.
Feel myself falling
to the ground below.

I am not hurt
just floating around.
All has gone quiet
not even a sound.

My eyes are open
looking about.
The sun is shining
not even a cloud.

The world looks brighter,
on such a great day.
Wiping the sleep
from my face right away.






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Comments by other Members



Bobo at 16:35 on 13 January 2004  Report this post
Alice - what a lovely piece. Warm, floaty - just like the best dreams!

BoBo x

poemsgalore at 18:44 on 13 January 2004  Report this post
Phew! you had me worried there Alice, a lovely ending to an exciting poem.

olebut at 19:38 on 13 January 2004  Report this post
Alice

must be the day for children type poetry I like this it starts off well but I think you lose the rhythm in verse 3 ( slight typo as well) and again in verses 6 and 7 and it does detract from the worth of the poem.

I offer some humble suggestions but as I say to everybody it is your poem so I shall not feel hurt if you tell me to s** off ( well only a bit)

In verse 3 you could try adding the word are in line 2

and change the are in line 4 to still

in verse 6 you could try changing the word opening to open

then change about to around in line 2 and the half rhyme just about works then with cloud. although it may be better to change the last line to get the full rhyme back

i.e i can see down to the ground

in the last line of the last verse you could consider changing it around to read from my face right away


I hope these comments are helpful but it really does have that nice feeling of a good poem for children

take care

david x

roovacrag at 20:20 on 13 January 2004  Report this post
Thank you all for your comments. I agree David it did sound better after i altered the words. Thank. xx Alice


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